Kevin Hart was on Jimmy Fallon this week, so it’s a fairly recent Throwback Thursday video, but it happened in the past, so deal with it. Apparently Kevin Hart is afraid of rollercoasters (real original) so Jimmy Fallon convinced him to go on one and he screamed and yada, yada, yada. To be honest I picked this video because Kevin Hart was on Raw this Monday and he was one of my favorite guest hosts because he sat on the sidelines, announced a match, did a little dance and left. He didn’t make the show about him like 98% of the other guest hosts do. Also, he’s been on the talk show scene all week and all he can talk about is how much fun he had on Raw and how much of an old school wrestling fan he is. Gentleman and a scholar.
Both of the average nobodies are dog owners and lovers. While dogs are the greatest species on Earth, neither of us have a dog of our own. Since our parents got the name privileges for the family dog (s), we imagined what our choices would be if we were ever to get a pooch of our own. After minimal discussion, here’s what we came up with.
Bradley the Wheaten Terrier
There are two things I love in this world: wheaten terriers and dogs with human names. My parents already have a wheaten terrier named Nelson and there is a 1,000% chance I get my own someday. Bradley seems like a natural choice because I want my dog to be fierce yet cool. Ladies, Bradley the Wheaten Terrier and his slightly out of shape owner will be at dogs parks near you very soon.
Kevin the Bulldog
If there’s one thing that Ryan and I know it’s that human names make the BEST animal names, especially dogs. Kevin is an American Bulldog, just like my alma mater’s mascot. I like dogs that best resemble my lifestyle. That means no greyhounds for this guy. The beefier the better. I will admit, I had saved the name “Kevin” for my pet Raptor that I hope to obtain one day, but since cloning has taken a backseat in the science world I am forced to used the name elsewhere. Can’t waste a good animal name like Kevin.
If you sit front row at a Nets game you need to expect the worst. I’m 99% sure Garnett only speaks in profanities while on the court. Not even Christmas can stop him and his poop mouth.
My valentines usually consists of me and Matt going to the movies. Instead, this year we’ll be watching TV. What a difference a year makes. House of Cards will be back starting Valentines Day, 2014, and I can’t wait. That Kevin Spacey is just so sneaky, but so goddamn good. If you haven’t watched Season 1 (you should), you have exactly 71 days to do so (all episodes are on Netflix). Great cast. Great show. ‘Nuff said. Check out the promo trailer and I dare you look me in the eye and say you’re not excited.
If we ever make it big, our first purchase is a horse. A lot of rich people have fancy cars, or mansions with moats, or luxurious yachts, but only the truly elite own horses. With great power comes great responsibility, and with great responsibility comes naming your horse. We have to imagine there is nothing worse than watching your stallion cross the finish line with the entire crowd laughing at you because you picked a shitty name. The real winners in horse racing are those brave men and women who dare to be bold when choosing their horses name.
It was my childhood nickname (because apparently I reminded my parents of a black man with a speech impediment who ran like a white boy with leg braces) and I’ve embraced it ever since. Bubba Gump just so happens to roll off the tongue like a fine wine, and announcers better get used to saying it, because Bubba Gump does two things well: shrimpin’ and winning horse races.
Something that I have believed in since I was a child was that human names make the best animal names. Take my hypothetical horse, Kevin, for example. Pretty decent human name, but dynamite horse name! Let’s look at others named Kevin: Kevin Costner, Kevin Bacon, Kevin Spacey, Kevin Durant. Do I need to say more? Kevin will steal the Triple Crown and your heart, with ease.
I think we can safely assume that when Peter Pan equated wearing a tie with everything bad about growing up, he had never heard of the Tie Flask, a microfiber tie with a six-inch pouch for tucking inside the front flap and a self-sealing valve for sucking booze. Growing up may be awfuller than all the awful things that ever were, but at least you’re allowed to drink in a variety of silly ways, including from your tie, or even better: out of a sippy-cup for wine.
This is it. This is why I was put on this Earth. Remember in Superman when Kevin Costner was telling Superman he was brought to Earth for a reason? Well this is my reason. To casually drink alcohol out of my tie at work. Some people save the world, some people booze. I’m a boozer baby.
P.S. There’s a link in the original article promoting a wine sippy cup. I tried this in college. So overrated it’ll make you weep.
Summer is a time for fashion statements, and nothing will blow away your drunk friends at a BBQ like a nice obscure NBA jersey. Lets look at my top 3 for this summer.
1.) Hakeem Olajuwon – Toronto Raptors
As far as i’m concerned the best looking jerseys in the NBA are the Golden State Warriors, but nothing beats this Olajuwon Toronto Jersey from his 2 year stint there in the early 2000’s. Get this jersey and immediately break the ice with anyone (well, at least sports-loving dudes. Not promising any chicks) you’re with.
2.) Dominique Wilkins – Boston Celtics
3.) Karl Malone – Los Angeles Lakers
In the 03-04 season Malone joined up with Kobe, Shaq, and Gary Payton to make a NBA Finals run that would end by being decimated by the Pistons 4-1 in the series. While Malone isn’t one of my favorite players, the Mailman’s Laker threads cannot be denied.
If all else fails, do what I did. I made myself a Celtics #11 Drew Bledsoe jersey.
It’s the NHL playoffs, specifically the semi-finals in case you live under a rock. Every year around this time I have to constantly hear why hockey is the greatest sport, and the players are the toughest athletes, blah blah blah. My Facebook explodes with people who feel the need to defend hockey for whatever reason. If the players are so damn tough, let their play and their athletic ability speak for itself. By the way, the only people who chirp about hockey are ex-hockey players. It’s like playing the sport for so many years inflicts an intense inferiority complex that lasts a lifetime. Relax people, it’s a great sport, we get it! There are no other fans on Earth that bitch and moan about their sport not getting enough attention. If you think your sport isn’t getting enough attention place blame on the NHL execs; it’s not the sport, it’s the poor management of the league itself.
Before we start talking about who the toughest athletes in the world, let’s all just take a deep breath and say to ourselves, “What does it really matter?” I’m not going to sit here and take away from what Campbell did the other night. What he did was nothing short of incredible, through pain and agony he finished his shift. But let’s consider the circumstances. He broke his fibula, and important bone to say the least, but did it snap in half like Kevin Ware’s tibia, the weight bearing bone in the lower leg? I suppose he should’ve gotten up and limped around until the next whistle. All I’m saying is there’s instances of heroism in the face of injuries in every sport, but every hockey player in the world get’s a purple star if one player gets hurt, like they all endured it. Let’s give Campbell credit instead of everyone who’s ever picked up a hockey stick. Another question is “Was it a smart move?” What Campbell did was heroic, but if it were the middle of the season, we may be singing a different tune. I can hear the pundits, “He should’ve stayed down, he could’ve furthered his injury and missed more time of the season.” I’d like to refer to Exhibit A: RGIII playing with a torn up knee. As it is he’s only going to miss about 5 games (because the Bruins are going to sweep this and the next series).
If I had to choose the toughest athletes in sports I have to go with offensive and defensive linemen. The big guys, the trench men, they undergo anywhere from 45-60 snaps a game of head to head collisions that are equivalent to small car accidents every single time. Literally, the only stats that ever gets mentioned is snap count and starts, so if they endure less that 45 small car accidents a game, they’re considered below average.
And can we stop it with the whole “fighting is allowed” thing? It’s a penalty, you go to the box. That’s like saying tripping, slashing and high sticking is allowed. Fighting is allowed in football too, your team just gets a 15 yard penalty instead getting put in timeout. Now it’s smart to put your team a man down? Consider the potential for injury, punching someone in the face is a good way to get a boxer’s break, or a break in the fourth or fifth metacarpal, now you’ve just lowered your value to your team as well as your resign value. No wonder why hockey players get paid less, more chance of injury ; but hell, have your cake and eat it too! “Sean Lite, that’s why you have goons to go out there and pick fights with their best players.” To which I reply, “so your sacrificing on-ice talent in the hopes the other premier player loses his cool and swings back?” I don’t know, doesn’t seem like a sound strategy to me, not saying all hockey teams try to do this, but it’s the way it gets explained.
You must think I hate hockey, this is not the case, I thoroughly enjoy watching the sport. Personally it falls in third of my list of favorite spectator sports, just behind college basketball and just before Olympic curling (can’t wait). Yes, professional hockey players are tough while being very athletic and, let’s face it, graceful; as much as diehard hockey fans would hate that word. The sport doesn’t need saving, stop forcing athleticism and toughness down the casual fan’s throat; it’s not a good look.
End of Rant. Out of breath.
P.S. Go Bruins.