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Your Average Guide To President Trump’s Impeachment
Around the holidays, there’s nothing that brings people together quite like talking politics. On Wednesday night, the House of Representatives voted to impeach President Donald Trump. Because we’re all living in hell, everyone with a Facebook or Twitter account decided to post what their interpretation of that meant. The media gladly played along with headlines such as this:
While that’s technically true, there’s so much more to it than just saying he’s been impeached and moving on to the next cute dog video. Most people seem to think this infographic has been helpful:
That might be helpful for some people, but here’s what everyone is really thinking:
I’d be happy to. Since ‘President Trump’ tends to be a divisive term, I’ve replaced it with ‘Daddy’ moving forward.
What You Need To Know
Back in July, Daddy was on a call with the President of Ukraine discussing promised military aid. During the call, Daddy asked the President if he could announce an investigation into Joe Biden and his son Hunter, labeling it as a ‘favor’. The former just so happens to be one of the main Democratic candidates for President next year. Why would Daddy ask this?
If that call and request for an investigation into a political opponent were kept secret, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Unfortunately for Daddy, there was a whistle blower who reacted to the call like:
Once the details of the call were whistle blown (?), Democrats and Republicans had different reactions. The Democrats, who have long been looking for a way to take down Daddy, were elated:
The Republicans, who hitched their wagon to Daddy, were not as happy:
Once impeachment talks started to heat up, Daddy went straight to Twitter to set the record straight. In other words:
To make things worse for Daddy, he allegedly tried to obstruct the ongoing investigation into the Ukraine call. I have to imagine staff and allies tried to persuade him to keep quiet, to which he responded:
Armed with two articles of impeachment, the Democrats were ready to bring the case to the House of Representatives. A debate regarding the legality of the articles would ensue with each side stating their points:
Nancy Pelosi made her argument. The Republicans reacted accordingly:
The Republicans made their argument, including an interesting comparison of the proceedings to Jesus’s treason trial and the reasonableness of Pontius Pilate. Only question remained:
After all the debating, the House voted to impeach Daddy and move the trial to the Senate. But wait, there’s more! The Democrats may hold off on bringing the articles to the Senate citing the Senate Majority Leader’s statement that he would coordinate the trial with the White House counsel. The Democrats had only one response:
Daddy, on the other hand, was very happy about McConnell’s statement:
The saga continues. While this entire process has us feeling like this:
I know we’ll all be happy when we can finally say:
-Ryan
Five Stars From WWE Raw 12/25/17: Elias, Asuka & New Tag Team Champions!
WWE Raw was live on Christmas day for the first time ever last night. John Cena made his Raw return in the opening segment with the criminally underrated Elias. Plus, Asuka confronted Alexa Bliss, Roman Reigns fought Samoa Joe and The Bar defended their tag team titles. Here are the five stars from the 12/25/17 edition of WWE Raw.
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5. Elias Plus A Little Bit Of John Cena
Before I get into why I love Elias so much, I want to point out the greatness of John Cena the person. His character has always been too inconsistent for my tastes, but he’s clearly a great guy. The latest example of that is last night on Raw, when he gave a kid in the crowd the shirt off his back. It’s a small gesture to Cena but probably meant the world to that kid and his dad. That it happened on live TV on Christmas made it all the more special. Before Cena could get too hokey he was interrupted by Elias, who is becoming my favorite part of Raw.
Elias has his character figured out better than anybody else on the show, and he’s starting to get rewarded for it. While it would have been nice for him to win, beating John Cena on Christmas isn’t going to happen. Elias still got the first 30+ minutes of the show with Cena and lost a highly competitive match. He got to shut down a CM Punk in Chicago, even though Cena’s insistence on blowing the Chicago crowd was infuriating. He continues to improve on the microphone and in the ring, and has risen to the occasion with every big name they’ve put him with. The key moving forward for him is continued momentum, so hopefully he continues to be featured in important segments.
4. Hideo Itami
Hideo Itami made his main roster debut last week and continued to impress against Brian Kendrick last night. It’s only a matter of time before he’s challenging for the cruiserweight title, and I hope it’s against Enzo. Cedric Alexander gets hit title shot next week, but I think the Zo Train will be able to assist Enzo in retaining the title. Itami destroying Enzo would be a lot of fun to watch and Itami might actually knee his head clean off his shoulders. Bonus points to Itami for performing the GTS in Chicago.
3. Samoa Joe
.@SamoaJoe has NO REGRETS after inflicting injury upon The #LunaticFringe @TheDeanAmbrose! @ReneeYoungWWE #RAW pic.twitter.com/fgIzzfitkB
— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) December 26, 2017
If Samoa Joe is featured on Raw, there’s a solid chance he’s going to make this list. Last night was no exception, as he challenged Roman Reigns for the IC title. Joe had a quick but great pre- match interview with Renee Young where he talked about injuring Dean Ambrose. Dean will be out for nine months, and Joe said at least he’s home enjoying the holiday with the ones he loves. He said this to Renee Young, Dean’s real life wife. That’s a next level dickhead move.
The match was very good, as are all Reigns/Joe matches. The DQ finish is always frustrating, but I’ll take that over Joe losing clean. Reigns defending the IC title on a regular basis is always great, especially when it’s against true threats like Joe. With Rollins & Jordan winning the tag titles, Reigns will continue to be a singles star. The Reigns/Lesnar showdown should begin after the Rumble, so it’ll be interesting to see if Roman keeps the IC belt. There are no shortage of guys who could run with the title if Reign loses it, and Joe is near the top of that list.
2. Asuka
Asuka officially entered the women’s Royal Rumble last night, and her winning should be the biggest no brainer of 2018. She’s been running in place since debuting on Raw, but Rumble/WrestleMania season is the time to let her loose. The most dominant woman on the roster should be the one to win the first ever women’s Rumble. From there you can have her stalk Alexa Bliss, who still has Nia Jax in her corner. Nia would be able to shift the odds in Alexa’s favor just enough to make the feud competitive. If the women’s division goes any other route but Asuka winning the Rumble and the title at WrestleMania they’re out of their goddamn minds.
1. New Tag Team Champions
With the length of Dean Ambrose’s injury confirmed, WWE pulled their favorite audible. Whenever someone is injured and gets replaced by someone else, there’s a good chance the new person is winning. Zack Ryder won the IC title as a last minute fill in at WrestleMania 32. More recently, Cedric Alexander won the #1 contender spot after Rich Swann was arrested. While those decisions have good shock value, they’re not always the best move for the story. In this case, I think Jordan and Rollins winning the tag titles could work.
Jason Jordan keeps getting opportunities, and although Kurt Angle insists it’s not because he’s his son, it’s getting harder to believe that. Jordan is consistently put in high profile matches and is being rewarded for being a complainer. He finally came through last night, and now he and Rollins are the tag team champions. I’m on board for this IF Jordan continues to perfect his character of a freak in the ring who doesn’t necessarily deserve all the chances he’s getting. I think the best story to tell moving forward would be for Jordan to get a big head from finally winning, which causes issues with Rollins. If WWE is committed to turning Jordan bad, back stabbing Rollins would be the best way to get there.
-Ryan
#MusicMonday: DMX – Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Merry Christmas! I hope everyone out there is enjoying their holiday. Since Christmas fell on a Monday this year, I decided there was only one choice for Music Monday. DMX singing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer should be the pick every Monday, but it especially fits on Christmas.
DMX – Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
When you think of X, you don’t jump to straight to Christmas songs. That should change now that he’s graced us with this wonderful cover of RTRNR. A few years ago The Rock sang Here Comes Santa Claus and it was glorious, but DMX is the new king of the Christmas song covers. I think this YouTube comment explained it best:
Add Jack Nicholson’s Son to the List of People I’d Love to Be
Courtside seats to the Lakers on Christmas day. No big deal. Probably fooled around with a couple of the Lakers cheerleaders too just for kicks. Jack Nicholson has owned Hollywood forever, and there’s not a chance in hell that his son isn’t riding his coattails everywhere he goes. He’d be stupid not to. You can get into any place you want. Have any girl you want. Sit courtside at the Lakers and go to every awards show. Jack Nicholson’s son has skyrocketed up my list of people I’d love to be. I can only picture two drawbacks. 1. Dad steals every girlfriend you’ve ever had and 2. you have a lame name. I expected Jack Nicholson to come up with a better name than ‘Raymond’ for his son. I would’ve went with Lightning or Iceman. Definitely major drawbacks, but the pros outweigh the cons.
– Ryan
P.S. Don’t ever say Jack Nicholson isn’t festive.
H/T – Dailymail
A 600 Person Brawl On Christmas As the State of Florida Refuses to Go Quietly Into the Night
Source – Five teenagers were arrested when a 600-person brawl broke out in a Florida movie theater’s parking lot on Christmas night.
Described by police as a “melee,” the fight occurred around 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday outside the Hollywood River City 14 movie theater in Jacksonville when a group tried to storm the theater’s doors without purchasing tickets, police said. Several had rushed an off-duty police officer working as a security guard.
The officer “administered pepper spray to disperse the group, locked the doors and called for backup, following protocol,” said Lauri-Ellen Smith, a spokeswoman for the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office.
Soon after the pepper spray was used, “upward of 600 people moving throughout a parking lot about the size of a football field began fighting, disrupting and jumping on cars,” she said.
Sixty-two police officers were called to the scene to break up the brawl, “sequestering them and separating them,” Smith said.
Only minor injuries and damage to property were reported. No gunshots were fired, according to Smith.
All five of the people arrested on the scene were charged with crimes related to fighting. Three of those arrested, including one minor, were charged with felonies. Two other juveniles, who have not been named by police, were charged with misdemeanors.
Tevyn Alonza Davis, 19, was charged with resisting arrest and breach of the peace. Jaquade Marquis Miller, 18, was charged with fighting and resisting arrest. Khalil Ahmad Bradley, 17, the only minor charged with a felony, was arrested for resisting arrest, refusal to disperse and breach of the peace.
Davis and Bradley each “took a fighting stance” when confronted by police and told to leave the area, according to arrest reports. Miller, too, “took an aggressive stance” when told by police to leave the parking lot.
According to the movie theater’s website, the cinema was showing “Tyler Perry’s A Medea Christmas,” “47 Ronin,” “Grudge Match,” “Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues” along with several other movies.
Oh Florida. There are just so many aspects to this story that I love. Teenagers storming movie theater doors so they wouldn’t have to pay for a ticket. Kids fighting cops. 600 people who have nothing better to do on Christmas night than fight in a movie theater parking lot. My question is what were the people storming the movie theater doors going to do if they actually got past security? Did they think they would be able to just watch Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas? Did they think security was just going to tip their hat and let them walk out of there? Poor planning on their part. Everyone knows you have to utilize the 3 for 1 special. You suck it up and pay for one movie, then hop from theater to theater to watch the other two. Not in Florida. In Florida you storm the movie theater and start a massive brawl. I had a feeling we’d hear from the craziest state in the world before the new year, and they did not disappoint. Beethoven had symphony 9. Florida now has their Christmas brawl.
– Ryan
Twitter News Weekly – NBA Christmas, UPS , New Year Resolutions
Here are this weeks top stories!
NBA Christmas Jerseys
I hope they immediately took those Christmas day NBA jerseys from yesterday and threw them in a burning barrel. Awful
— nickcamp15 (@Elinapmac) December 26, 2013
I been hearing the NBA Christmas jerseys are an attempt to cover up tattoos. Huh? You gonna need turtleneck onsies to do that.
— Yo… What I Miss? (@Regulardave2975) December 26, 2013
NEXT YEAR THE NBA IS GOING TO HAVE UGLY SWEATER JERSEYS FOR CHRISTMAS
— кเภﻮк๏๔єאtђєﻮ๏๔ (@KODEYTHARULHAAA) December 26, 2013
UPS RUINED CHRISTMAS!
So what I’ve deducted from this whole “UPS ruined Christmas” thing is: Presents are clearly more important than being with your family.
— Peter J Doucette (@PeterJDoucette) December 27, 2013
So is Christmas no longer about the birth of Jesus, but instead about what you get in material objects? #ups #fedex #christmas
— Mark A. Goodman, ND (@MarkGoodmanND) December 27, 2013
Ups need to get there shit straight because people still waiting for their Christmas present
— Queen Danielle♡ (@DaddyCravens) December 27, 2013
Interesting New Year Resolutions
new years resolutions: get hot get rich
— Victooor. (@victor2raw) December 26, 2013
Getting the girls to set New Years resolutions for each other was a huge mistake. “Stop stealing our men” “Suck dick more often” 😭😂
— Za (@zvhxn) December 26, 2013
I’ve been working on my New Year’s resolutions. All I have so far is, “More Bagel Bites.”
— SeanBess (@SeanBess) December 26, 2013
-The Average Nobodies
Kevin Garnett and His Poop Mouth Just Scarred This Kid For Life
If you sit front row at a Nets game you need to expect the worst. I’m 99% sure Garnett only speaks in profanities while on the court. Not even Christmas can stop him and his poop mouth.
– Ryan
