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10 Things I Would Do If Kevin Love Came to Boston

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Kevin Love has apparently been showing some interest in moving east and joining up with the Boston Celtics. Over the weekend he attended a Red Sox game at Fenway Park and even was caught shaking hands with Rondo! As far as i’m concerned this is a done deal. If you shake Rondo’s hand and come to Fenway Park for a game then you are an official Bostonian in my book. Listen Kev, can I call you Kev? Mr. Love? Ok, I’ll go with Kev. Kev, Boston is a town of champions, do you want to be a champion? That’s what I thought. Bill Paxton is from Texas, but I would be willing to bet if he had a choice on where to be born and play professional basketball it would be the Bean. And if that’s not reason enough to be a Celtic here are 10 added bonuses.

The 10 things I would do if you [Kevin Love] played for the Celtics

  1. Buy your away and home jerseys. Nothing says “come to Boston” like merch royalties.
  2. Knit you a nice sweater. I can’t knit, but I will learn.
  3. I will be your personal assistant. Dry cleaning? Done. Rides around town? Chauffeured. Dinner reservations? Not to brag, but I have NEVER waited for a seat at Chilis.
  4. I will give you a personalized pre-game warmup. I am not known for my athletic abilities, but ask anybody I know (or at least Ryan) and they/he will undoubtedly tell you about my skills as a basketball trainer. They don’t call my backyard “the breeding ground for pro athletes”* for nothing.
  5. Hand written letters to all your correspondents. Texts? Emails? Phone calls? SO impersonal. From now on I will write and hand deliver all of your messages. This might make things take a lot longer, but trust me you will be a better man because of it.
  6. I will be the interior decorator of your New England home. New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Massachusetts? Wherever you decide to buy a home leave it to me for the decorating. How do you feel about patterned wallpaper, comic book posters, and the color orange?
  7. Buy you a 30-rack of your choice**
  8. Take you on a private tour of Rhode Island. The majority of the day will be spent at my house playing video games or in Newport flying kites, but if you ask me, that’s Rhode Island in a nutshell.
  9. Join Ryan and I on a trip back to Fenway Park for a Red Sox game. If this actually happens then it is a real treat because it is a rarity we even make it inside the stadium.
  10. Wake up calls every morning, and not just a regular wake up call, nope, I will call you and sing any song you request. Most of the time I will ignore your request and sing “Fields of Gold”, but honestly is there a better option, especially with my range?

-Matt

 

*Nobody calls it that
**Busch Light

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Someone Please Put Kevin Love Under Suicide Watch

It’s alright big guy I have a solution for ya. Dump that sad excuse for a team and come on over to Boston. The Celtics, and Boston, would welcome you with open arms. We can give you the medicine you need…a title shot.

-Matt

PS- Minnesota can have Humphries. Nobody likes Humphries.

Hey Chris Humphries: Do Less

You’d think people would just get out of the way when Blake Griffin gets ready for takeoff. Especially when you’re Chris Humphries. If you’re a professional basketball player and the only reason people know who you are is because you married a Kardashian there’s a solid chance you suck as a professional basketball player. Get out of the way, Chris. Save the little dignity you have left.

– Ryan

Beer Drinkers Guide to Beerfest

Beerfest came to our backyard of Providence, Rhode Island this weekend, and as an avid beer drinker, I was not going to pass up this opportunity. Here’s a guide (to the best of my recollection) to doing beerfest the right way.

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Although beerfest was nothing like the movie, it’s still a great time. It costs $44 at the door, which is basically stealing, because I felt like I drank $1,000 worth of beer. I’ve heard from a few people that they have a process when it comes to sampling beers, but my advice is to go to the tables with the shortest lines and try not to make a fool of yourself. Also, if Curious Traveler offers you a fake mustache, take it.

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If a company is smart enough to build taps into the side of a van, drink their beer.

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Never miss an opportunity to get a picture of a world class ponytail.

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Or a man wearing a wolf costume on the bus.

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The lesson of beerfest is that there are no winners or losers, just those brave men and women who throw their inhibitions to the wind and drink as much beer as they can in a three and a half hour time period.

And although a few wary travelers passed out along the way..

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..Jeff Green beating the heat ended the night perfectly.

 

– Ryan

Have No Fear Celtics Fans: Walter McCarty Is Your New Assistant Coach

Walter McCarty, who spent nearly eight seasons with the Boston Celtics during a 10-year playing career, confirmed to ESPN.com’s Jeff Goodman on Tuesday that he will be an assistant coach on Brad Stevens’ staff. The 39-year-old McCarty landed in Boston in October 1997 after being traded by the Knicks before his sophomore season. He emerged a fan favorite here and “I love Walter!” became a familiar catchphrase for television broadcaster Tommy Heinsohn. McCarty helped Boston to three playoff appearances from 2002-04 before being traded to Phoenix for a second-round pick midway through the 2004-05 season.  James Posey, another beloved former Celtic, and McCarty were believed to be the two top candidates to round out Stevens’ staff as it appeared he was seeking a former player. Comcast SportsNet first reported McCarty’s hiring.  McCarty joins the staff of the 36-year-old Stevens, who had previously brought on Ron Adams, a longtime NBA assistant, and Micah Shrewsberry, one of Stevens’ former assistants at Butler. Assistants Jay Larranaga and Jamie Young were carried over from Doc Rivers’ staff.  Boston ties have served McCarty well as he immersed himself in coaching. He served as an assistant under former Celtics coach Rick Pitino at the University of Louisville in 2007. McCarty moved on to be an NBA assistant under former Celtics coach Jim O’Brien in Indiana during the 2010-11 season, but was let go a season later when the Pacers hired Frank Vogel.  McCarty has been a familiar presence in Boston, often sitting courtside during games the past two seasons.” – ESPN

Perfect. Rebuilding a historic franchise? Bring in mediocre fan favorite players from the past to get the fans behind you again. I’m completely judging a book by it’s cover here, but McCarty doesn’t look like he’d be a good coach. He seems like the kind of guy who would goof around at practice then try and out drink the whole team at bars on the weekends. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe McCarty is the next John Wooden. All I know is the Celtics better have an oxygen tank at the announcers table for every home game because Tommy Heinsohn is going to lose his shit with Walter now on the coaching staff.

– Ryan

Nothing Completes Your Summer Look Like A Obscure Jersey

Summer is a time for fashion statements, and nothing will blow away your drunk friends at a BBQ like a nice obscure NBA jersey.  Lets look at my top 3 for this summer.

1.) Hakeem Olajuwon – Toronto Raptors

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As far as i’m concerned the best looking jerseys in the NBA are the Golden State Warriors, but nothing beats this Olajuwon Toronto Jersey from his 2 year stint there in the early 2000’s.  Get this jersey and immediately break the ice with anyone (well, at least sports-loving dudes. Not promising any chicks) you’re with.

2.) Dominique Wilkins – Boston Celtics

21545_01_lgIn 1994 “The Human Highlight Film” graced the parquet floor of the Boston Garden. While his time with the Celtics was not memorable, this jeseyt should never be forgotten.

3.) Karl Malone – Los Angeles Lakers

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In the 03-04 season Malone joined up with Kobe, Shaq, and Gary Payton to make a NBA Finals run that would end by being decimated by the Pistons 4-1 in the series.  While Malone isn’t one of my favorite players, the Mailman’s Laker threads cannot be denied.

-MattyV

If all else fails, do what I did.  I made myself a Celtics #11 Drew Bledsoe jersey.

The Worst Week In Boston Sports History

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What is happening?! This has to go down in the history books as the worst week in Boston sports history.  I’m going to call it “The Beantown Blackout “. SportsCenter, take notice!

And what do Boston fans have to show for all this heartache? Kris Humphries………..GREAT

-MattyV

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