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The Smartest People in the World Stole $113,000 Worth of Alcohol

(Source) The ever-growing list of food capers continues, this time with $113,000 worth of stolen liquor. According to Grub Street, the booze burglars made off with 1,314 1-liter bottles of Gordon’s gin, 912 71mL- and 120 500-mL bottles of Baileys, 744 1-liter bottles of Bell’s whiskey and 540 1-liter bottles of Smirnoff vodka. The alcohol was supposed to be sold at duty-free stores in Manchester Airport, however the bottles were stolen from a transport yard in England and are probably now destined for the black market. 

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This is smart. If you’re going to risk your freedom stealing something then you better make sure it’s worth it. Alcohol is always worth it. 1 million out of 1 million times. If i went through the trouble of stealing all this alcohol there is no way I’m putting it on the black market. Any money I make will pale in comparison to the money I save from never having to buy hard liquor again. 540 bottles of vodka can easily last you a few years, unless you’re the worst drunk in the history of the world. Gin and whiskey aren’t my thing, but I respect the desire for variety. Baileys is an oddball choice. Actually it’s just kind of stupid. Needed some tequilla. If you’re stealing $113,000 worth of alcohol and you don’t get tequila you’re a poor excuse for a human being. Plain and simple.

– Ryan

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I Kinda Sorta Definitely Need This Flask Tie

I think we can safely assume that when Peter Pan equated wearing a tie with everything bad about growing up, he had never heard of the Tie Flask, a microfiber tie with a six-inch pouch for tucking inside the front flap and a self-sealing valve for sucking booze. Growing up may be awfuller than all the awful things that ever were, but at least you’re allowed to drink in a variety of silly ways, including from your tie, or even better: out of a sippy-cup for wine.

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This is it. This is why I was put on this Earth. Remember in Superman when Kevin Costner was telling Superman he was brought to Earth for a reason? Well this is my reason. To casually drink alcohol out of my tie at work. Some people save the world, some people booze. I’m a boozer baby.

– Ryan

P.S. There’s a link in the original article promoting a wine sippy cup. I tried this in college. So overrated it’ll make you weep.

I’ve Found My New Favorite Website

This is literally the hardest choice I have to make on a daily basis. I’d love to just kick back and have a few beers every night, but I also don’t want to weigh 400 pounds. As far as working out goes, I’ll start and end with this: I have a free on site gym at work that’s been open for two months and I’ve gone there three times. Back to the greatest web site ever created. Get drunk not fat ranks every beer and liquor you can think of based on the amount of included alcohol versus calorie content.

Brand
ABV Alcohol % by Volume Calories Per Serving C.F.A. Calories From Alcohol Higher is better Carbs Per Serving Comments
Pure Ethanol Not a real drink, for comparison only 100% 238 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 100.00% 0.00 7.1 Calories per gram (http://annals.org/article.aspx?articleid=691502) Density = 0.789 g/cm3 Grams in one fluid oz = 28.3495 7.1 x 0.789 x 28.3495 = 158.81 cals per fl oz
Everclear 95% 226 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.97% 0.00 Calorie info obtained directly from Luxco Spirits. 750ML for $12.99
Jose Cuervo Especial (Gold) 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Calorie info directly from a Jose Cuervo Consumer Representative $22.99 for 1.75L
Jose Cuervo Especial (Silver) 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Calorie info directly from a Jose Cuervo Consumer Representative $22.99 for 1.75L
Crown Royal – Special Reserve 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Obtained directly from http://www.knowyourdiageodrink.com $22.49 for 750ml
Gordons – Dry Gin 40% 96 calories per 1.5 oz Score: A+ 99.26% 0.00 Info directly from knowyourdiegodrink.com $14.99 per 1.75L at BevMo

Now my summer of Long Island Iced Tea’s seems like a bad idea. This is the ultimate borderline alcoholic lazy man’s dream website. Whoever made this, know you now have a new best friend.

To get the full tour, visit http://getdrunknotfat.com/

– Ryan

My Insane Roadtrip To New Jersey

What’s better than a 5 hour trip to Atlantic City filled with conversations of porn and murder? A lot of things, but between the bizarre conversations and casual Journey sing alongs, I did learn a few things:

1. Highway service centers are the work.of the Devil. All walks of life congregating in one condensed rest stop is truly a recipe of disaster. By the the way, if you ever have an extra $42,000 and want your parents murdered, go to a bathroom stall at the New Haven rest stop.

2. You know those sayings “beer before liquor never been sicker”, “liquor before beer your in the clear”? When you drink as much as I did this weekend, it doesn’t matter what comes first.

3. When in doubt, start your day with a screwdriver. Orange juice for the vitamin C. Vodka for the day drunk.

4. It should be mandatory that every state has a bar that serves 40 oz’s.
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5. I AM A DANCING MACHINE

6. A pool bar is like a hot girl you date that is clearly out of your league. It starts of great, then you drink too much, and before you know it you spent all your money on her and she’s gone.
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7. I have the best friends in the world. Solid vacation indeed.
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– Ryan

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