Sports Announcer – SNL
Chance The Rapper took his talents to SNL & studio 8H on Saturday night, and he did not disappoint. Season 43 has featured four first time hosts in the first six episodes, and I’d rank Kumail Nanjiani and Mr. Rapper as my top two. Chance was great in every sketch (especially the Family Feud one), but his best performance was in Sports Announcer. Hockey has to be a wild sport for anybody not familiar with the atmosphere and the rules, and Chance nailed his role here. Hopefully this is the first of many more hosting duties in the future.
If you’re looking for a highlight of this episode not featuring Chance The Rapper, check out Pete Davidson’s hilarious rant on Staten Island from Weekend Update.
It wouldn’t be a playoff preview from the Average Nobodies if it was posted on time right?
Well anyways, game 1 is in the books and the Bruins are up 1-0 in their first seven game series of the 2017 Stanley Cup playoffs against the Ottawa Senators. After a stalemate of a first period and a shot less second period, the Bruins got a much needed boost from recently slumping goal scorer in Frank Vatrano. He tied the game at 1 early in the third period with a snipe of a shot from the slot. Now, we’ve seen the Bruins lose in the closing minutes of a game previously this season, but the boys were able to close it out after a stellar possession in the offensive zone. The line of Bergeron, Marchand, Pastrnak, Chara and McAvoy ultimately out hustled and out worked a tired Senators line to give the B’s the go ahead goal with under 3 minutes to play in regulation.
This has to be a great confidence booster for a Bruins team that’s starting this playoff run pretty banged up. Down top 6 forward David Krejci, hard nosed center Noel Accari, top 4 D-men Torey Krug and Brandon Carlo, the Bruins that were in the lineup made a statement Wednesday night. Sparked by a razor sharp performance from goaltender Tuukka Rask, the Bruins never lost their composure and were able to pull out the win on the road.
Highly touted 19 year old rookie defenseman Charlie McAvoy played in his first NHL game Wednesday night for the Bruins and he did not disappoint. McAvoy is the real deal ladies and gentleman. He played with the confidence and poise of a veteran, and never looked lost in the moment. McAvoy looks like the type of player who brings his A game every shift on both ends of the ice. That is EXACTLY the type of player the Bruins have been missing in their past few playoff runs; a defenseman that can SCORE. I’m personally very excited to have him in a black and gold sweater for this run and hopefully many more to come.
Looking ahead, if the Bruins can get healthy I can see them continuing to win against the Ottawa Senators in the 1st round. However, if the injuries continue to linger and pile up, they will have trouble against stronger teams such as Montreal , Pittsburgh or Washington. I don’t like to make a prediction of who will win it all because there are so many factors that come into play and I genuinely just enjoy watching these playoff games because the guys out there on the ice are letting it all out to hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup. There truly is nothing better to watch than playoff hockey.
I will say this though: a hot goaltender can win you a Stanley Cup, and no goalie in the league is hotter right now than Tuukka Rask. After some scrutiny by Boston sports media, Tuuk has buckled down and shut his doubters up by standing on his head to get us into the playoffs and that looks to have poured over into the postseason.
Fuck it, I think we’re going to see a 7 game final, and a rematch from 2013 with the Boston Bruins taking on the Chicago Blackhawks for the greatest trophy in all of sports.
LETS GO BRUINS!
Vladimir Putin Scored 7 Goals During His Birthday Hockey Game Because If He Didn’t Everyone Would Be Dead
Vlad celebrated his 63rd with an exhibition hockey game featuring former NHL players and he unsurprisingly scored 7 goals. Putin is one of those guys that scares the living hell out of me because he’s so self obsessed. Who’s throws a birthday party for themselves? I’m not talking about one with former NHL players either. That’s just a psychopath move in general. It’s like well I have no friends so I might as well throw MYSELF a party. Just a bizarre move. You know everyone cheering him on in the audience was paid, and that poor opposing goalie. Vlad could’ve been playing a wheelchair and that goalie would’ve let 7 shots trhough. Another ‘triumph’ for one of the world’s saddest men.
Last summer I told a few hockey fan friends of mine that I wanted to put money on the Tampa Bay Lightning to win the Eastern Conference, but as a Boston Bruins fan, I simply couldn’t do it. Had I known that the Bruins would break my heart all season and miss the playoffs, I would have done this and been a rich (not really) man. The Chicago Blackhawks are a constant contender for the Cup every season, so it’s not really a surprise to see them here again. Let’s take a look at each team and see how they stack up, shall we?
Led by Captain Serious, Jonathan Toews, this team has the experience and championship pedigree to reach the mountain top for the third time in six seasons. Their strengths far outweigh their weaknesses. They have superstar players like Toews and Patrick Kane on offense, as well as one of the best all-around defenseman in the league in Duncan Keith. When you couple those players with their “role players” such as Marian Hossa, Patrick Sharp, Brandon Saad, Brent Seabrook, and Andrew Shaw, there is no reason the Hawks should see a lack of scoring in this best of seven series. I put “role players” in quotes because almost any other team in the NHL would see these guys as valuable bodies that know how to win and defend in their own zone, & it’s astonishing how Chicago has been able to keep this core group of players together for years as they continue to produce positive results. Backstopped by Corey “Crow” Crawford, the Blackhawks have a strong defense that has a proven track record in the playoffs. The only weakness I see in Chicago is their lack of defenseman. The loss of Michael Rozsival earlier in the playoffs was a blow to their defense and an aging Kimmo Timmonen has not been able to pick up the slack. I can see the speed of the Tampa Bay Lightning forwards exposing this slight flaw and using it to their advantage. If the Blackhawks do win the Cup, that would be 3 titles in 6 years, with 5 conference finals appearances mixed in. It’d be hard to argue that if they win, they’d join hockey royalty as a legitimate dynasty.
Tampa Bay Lightning
At the start of the 2015 Stanley Cup Playoffs the leader of the Tampa Bay Lightning, Steven Stamkos, found himself in a rare scoring drought. As the playoffs have worn on, Stammer has found his scoring touch which is a bad sign for Blackhawks fan. Arguably the best scorer in the league, Stamkos can take over a series and drive his teammates to victory. During this drought Tampa was picked up by the Triplets line of Nikita Kucherov, Tyler Johnson, and Ondrej Palat. Three young forwards who have taken the playoffs by storm, combining for more points than any trio of forwards this postseason. Look for them to show their speed against a depleted Chicago defense. Their role players mirror that of Chicago with guys like Ryan Callahan, Valteri Fillpula, Alex Kilorn, and Brian Boyle. Unlike the Hawks, Tampa has seen a recent boost in their defensive core with the return of the hard hitting Matt Carle. Their top D-man is Victor Hedman who has quietly become a top 10 defenseman in the NHL with the ability to jump up on an offensive rush. Their goaltender Ben Bishop has seen great success since becoming the starter for the Lighting, but has been slightly inconsistent looking back at the Eastern Conference Finals. However, he does seem to step up in big games. A weakness I see in Tampa is a lack of playoff experience when compared to Chicago, but they continue to prove their doubters wrong and defeat high quality teams.
This will be a lengthy series with big hits and a lot of scoring. I expect it to be a very exciting one because both of these teams have a blueprint for success. We could very well see the Lightning turn into Chicago in the next few seasons as far as producing success on a consistent basis. They have a fearless leader in Stamkos and have built an incredible supporting cast around him with a goaltender that could likely see a Vezina Trophy in his future. However, it is difficult to bet against the Blackhawks because all they do is win. The real winners will be everyone who watches these games, because mark my words this Cup final will be one for the ages.
Heart says: Tampa in 7
Head says: Chicago in 6
The NHL is consistently the best at commercials that both chronicle their history and show the importance of the series that’s about to be played. While a lot of other sports have “sold out”, Lord Stanley’s Cup is still as prestigious as was when it was first introduced. Search any Stanley Cup playoff commercial and I guarantee you you’ll get goose bumps. I don’t even like hockey and I think this commercial is awesome. Also Liev Schreiber should probably narrate every video ever. He dominated 24/7 on HBO, and he dominates in this commercial as well.
October 8, 2014 isn’t a long time away from now, but there is still much to be decided before the opening night of the season for the Boston Bruins; especially after a less than desirable exit at the hands of their arch rivals, the Montreal Canadiens in round 2 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs last season. Although training camp didn’t officially start until late last week, current Bruins, prospects, and rookies have been finding their way to Ristuccia Arena well ahead of organized team activities. Here’s what to watch for as the Bruins begin their quest toward Lord Stanley’s Cup.
-The Bruins return a solid core on offense headed into the season, but unlike training camp in the previous years, there seem to be anywhere from 1-4 available positions for the big club. Following the departures of Shawn Thornton and Jarome Iginla, the Bruins are looking to add two more wingers to their roster. However, there could be a third slot available if restricted free agent, Reilly Smith remains unsigned. While the talent pool of prospects the Bruins have brought in seems prominent with names like Alexander Khokhlachev and Ryan Spooner, among many others, Reilly Smith seems like the first option to make the club, should he re-sign with Boston.
-Another name making a lot of buzz since the NHL Entry Draft is David Pastranak. The 18 year old rookie has shown a lot of skill and maturity in his short time with the Bruins, and while this writer would like to see him make the team as the 13th forward, his size and toughness will be brought into question in the coming weeks. However, he will be given every chance to make the team as he has impressed a lot of the Bruins brass since being drafted 25th overall in June.
-The Bruins have also brought in veterans like Simon Gagne and Ville Leino for training camp. Gagne has been a solid player for the various teams he’s been with over his career, but that has to be taken with a grain of salt due to his injury history. Leino is coming off another disappointing season in Buffalo, after a promising start to his career in Philadelphia. His style of play could fit in well with the Bruins, but Boston may want to add younger, more skilled players to its 2014-2015 roster.
-Returning Forwards: P. Bergeron, B. Marchand, M. Lucic, D. Krejci, L. Eriksson, C. Soderberg, C. Kelly, G. Campbell, D. Paille, J. Caron(?).
-On the defensive end, the Bruins return one of the better shutdown units in the National Hockey League led by Zdeno Chara. Although it may seem like he has regressed in his recent years, much of the Bruins success lies with him.
-Personally, the storyline on the defensive side of the ice I’m looking forward to is the development of Dougie Hamilton. There will be a day when Chara retires, and at age 21, Dougie Hamilton looks to be the future of the defensive unit for Boston.
-The Bruins also hope to resign restricted free agent Torey Krug. Krug was integratl to both the Bruins back end and provided a spark on the power play. Although Bruins GM, Peter Chiarelli, believes they have 9 NHL caliber defenseman, it’s imperative to resign Krug due to the spark he provides with his offensive skill.
-Returning Defensemen: Z. Chara, D. Seidenberg, J. Boychuk, D. Hamilton, A. McQuaid, K. Millar, M. Bartkowski
-Now this is an easy one. Tuukka Rask will be between the pipes for the Bruins this season, and as the defending Vezina Trophy winner for the year’s best goaltender, he makes sure the Boston has a chance at 2 points every time they hit the ice.
-The Bruins backup goaltender position remains somewhat of a question. Last season, Chad Johnson performed extremely well in his as Tuukka’s backup, but with his departure the Bruins look to Niklas Svedberg or Malcolm Subban.
-Svedberg looks like the front runner due to his experience with minor league Providence Bruins, but Subban is progressing at a rapid rate and could surprise some in training camp. Ultimately, I believe the job will go to Svedberg, leaving Subban as the number 1 goalie in Providence for a few years to come.
Returning Goaltender: Tuukka Rask
There you have it ladies and gents, the state of the Boston Bruins just a few short weeks ahead of the season opener. The Bruins return a solid team that is most certainly a Stanley Cup contender. However, a lot of roster question marks remain after an early departure in the playoffs last season, but hopefully they will be answered in the coming weeks. Many of the returning players have been left with a bad taste in their mouth after a game 7 home loss to bitter rival, Montreal, so look for them to be hungry for a shot at redemption and ultimately another Stanley Cup this coming season. A lot can happen between then and now so look for another update or two prior to the first puck drop at the Garden, but until then Go Bruins!
p.s. As we get into the season, these will most certainly get shorter, but in the meantime, thanks for reading.
If You’re a Male Cop Looking to Get Your Butt Grabbed Then You Bettter Start Hanging Around Claude Giroux
HOCKEY – Claude Giroux was arrested Tuesday night according to the Ottawa Sun. A source told the Ottawa Sun Giroux was “repeatedly grabbing the buttocks of a male police officer” and alcohol is believed to be involved.
Several sources confirmed to the Sun that Giroux spent Tuesday night in jail and he is expected to be released without any criminal charges.
No comment has been made by the Ottawa Police or the Flyers at this point.
The only way this story gets better is if Claude Giroux yelled “tushy squeeze!” every time he grabbed the cops ass. Whether it happened or not, that’s how it played out in my mind. I don’t want to pass judgment, but I’m going to assume things aren’t OK at home for Claude. Flyers lose in the first round of the playoffs and all of a sudden Claude is in Ottawa grabbing everybody’s ass. Whoever the Ottawa Sun’s source is sure has some magnificent detective skills as well. “Alcohol was believed to be involved.” Shocking. I also can’t wait for hockey fans to spin this story into another “hockey players are the toughest” tirade. “Oh you don’t grab other guys butts? Hockey players do, and they’re the toughest athletes in the world!!!”.
For Some Reason a Boston Bruins Fan Got a Tattoo of the PK Subban/Shawn Thornton Water Bottle Incident
Not sure what the point of this is. Didn’t the Bruins lose that series? And didn’t they lose it to the Canadiens, their hated rivals? Why would you want to commemorate that series? Yeah the water bottle incident was funny but it died out after about 40 minutes, and then your team lost the series and went fishing. Maybe next time get a tattoo of a happy Boston Bruins memory. That way you won’t start sobbing every time you have to explain the tattoo.