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Drinking With Class Episode 8 – A Classy Evening

The Average Nobodies aren’t your average (get it) one trick pony’s. We can do TWO tricks. Right now, we’re in the midst of re-releasing all of our old videos from our web series ‘Drinking with Class’, and we figured we might as well share some of these bad boys while we’re at it. In this episode, we explain what goes into making a classy evening. If you’re looking to take someone out on the town, maybe don’t use these tips.


Watch a Guy Drink a Bottle of Jack Daniels in 15 Seconds For No Apparent Reason

The only reason this is impressive is because I know I couldn’t do it. I’m not a big fan of whiskey in general, so drinking a whole bottle like this is the equivalent of getting the death penalty. Lights out for Ryan. Now that that’s out of the way, I hate this. This guy was absolutely the guy in college who showed up with a bottle of Jack to every party because he thought he was cool and was throwing up all over people’s couches by the end of the night. Everyone else brings beer or Burnett’s, but not Johnny bad ass. He’s got to prove how cool and tough he is by chugging Jack Daniels and then getting drunk and talking about how he doesn’t domestic violence is that bad. Chug a beer next time hero.


– Ryan


Monsterblog Wednesday: Flair Bartending Routines

For those of you who don’t know what “flair bartending” is…   The Average Nobodies very rarely turn down a chance to drink during the week, so we attended the Flair Bartending Flip Out On Cancer charity event Monday in Providence, Rhode Island. The logic is simple: you pick a song or two and you bartend your ass off. While we were watching the competition, we thought we’d throw our hats in the ring and pick a few songs and create a routine in case there ever comes a day where we need to flair bartend to save our families from a Russian super villain bent on world domination.


Flair bartending is all about energy, and with these two songs I’ll have it in spades. Return of the Mack will get the people on their feet and Dance With Somebody will literally have people dancing with each other. If you can’t jam to these two songs, you have no soul and I don’t want you apart of my flair bartending routine. Another good thing about these songs is that they will distract the audience away from my routine. A lot of the bartenders we saw were all hands and arms, so I’m thinking I use a feet heavy routine. Do people want their bartenders feet near their drinks? Probably not, but I’m the flair bartender and they’re not. At some point I’ll probably roll multiple bottles on the ground and kick them like a soccer ball. Add in a couple hip thrusts and some obscene gestures, and you have yourself one hell of a flair bartending routine.


From what I saw at the flair bartending event your music can make or break your performance in two ways: 1. The music doesn’t speak to your inner showman or show-woman and you come up short. Using the music to get the juices flowing is like a natural adrenaline shot to the heart. You ever hear about mothers that gain ridiculous strength to save their children? Well i’m pretty sure I could jump over a small building while listening to 80’s hair metal. and 2. The music doesn’t get the people going. Nothing’s worse than getting ready to perform something in from of some people and the crowd isn’t cheering your every move. Look back at some Stone Cold Steve Austin entrances. When that glass breaks there isn’t one ass in one seat in the whole arena! Handicapped sections included (if that’s terrible of me I am sorry, but I need to prove a point). That’s the kind of energy a flair bartending performance deserves!

Having said that, my choices were easy. I start off with some ‘Twisted Sister’ followed up by the ultimate party song, Cherry Pie. I figure I will use a lot of ice in my routine. Like throw it around and keep the eyes off the action at hand. That way I can lean on some simple bottle flips and cup twirls throughout my performance. Smoke and mirrors people, that’s the first rule of magic school. I also will be yelling pretty loud so that should create an additional distraction. Like so loud that people will think i’m hurt, but I won’t be..I think.

Side note: Veteran flair performer, Lauren, said that Cherry Pie is too slow of a song to flair to. I didn’t listen, so I could be off to an awful start to my flair career. I regret nothing.


Mark My Words: Rob Ford Will Be Back Better Than Ever

Tommy Boy – Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said he is taking a break from his re-election campaign to seek help for alcohol abuse — hours after a local newspaper reported on a new video that allegedly shows him smoking crack cocaine.

“It’s not easy to be vulnerable and this is one of the most difficult times in my life,” Ford said in a statement Wednesday. “I have a problem with alcohol, and the choices I have made while under the influence. I have struggled with this for some time.”

The statement, provided to CNN by Canada’s CTV News, comes after the Toronto Globe and Mail reported on the new video.

In the video purportedly filmed Saturday, the newspaper reports Ford is seen smoking what a drug dealer described to the paper as crack cocaine from a copper-colored pipe. Two Globe and Mail reporters viewed the video, and the publication said it was shot in what appears to be Ford’s sister’s basement.

The paper said the substance in the pipe could not be confirmed.

The video is part “of a package of three videos the dealer said was surreptitiously filmed around 1:15 a.m., and which he says he is now selling for ‘at least six figures,'” the paper reported.

Shortly after the newspaper confronted the Mayor about the video, Ford announced he was taking a break to get help.

“Today, after taking some time to think about my own well-being, how to best serve the people of Toronto and what is in the best interests of my family, I have decided to take a leave from campaigning and from my duties as mayor to seek immediate help,” he said.

His lawyer, Dennis Morris, told CNN that Ford’s leave begins immediately.

“He has to take a break to re-energize, because he realizes he has flaws that have to be addressed,” Morris told CTV.

But Morris told the Globe that he questioned the authenticity of the video, and said it is hard to prove what the Mayor is smoking.

“If these guys are drug dealers and there’s money involved, they can say whatever they want to get more money, to extract more money from the people who are paying,” he said of the seller.

Kind of a bittersweet day for Rob Ford. You don’t want to see this guy disappear into Bolivian but it’s great to see that he realized he needs help. I personally would have stepped down after the first crack video but hey, everybody’s got their own style. Now to the real stuff. It’s REALLY easy to kick a guy when he’s down, especially when it comes to addiction. I’m not going to pretend that I know Canadian politics, because I don’t. I don’t know if he’s a good mayor and frankly I don’t care, just as I’m sure people in Toronto don’t give a shit if the mayor of North Providence is good or not (hint: he’s not). But fate brought Rob Ford into my life and I’ve never been one to question fate. Beyond all the jokes, he seems like a genuinely nice guy. He’s jovial, he’s a sports fan, he doesn’t take himself seriously. Does he have an addiction problem? Yes. Anytime your resorting to crack you have a whopper of a problem. But he’s been on this blog from the beginning, and the Average Nobodies do not leave soldiers behind, crack smokers or not. Hell, he’s even front and center on the website banner. We hope Rob Ford gets the help he needs, then comes back better than ever, less sweaty and crack free. For now, I’m going to listen to that Fuel song on repeat and smile at these pictures.





– Ryan

thanks to @LunaElektraSMC for the tip.

The Smartest People in the World Stole $113,000 Worth of Alcohol

(Source) The ever-growing list of food capers continues, this time with $113,000 worth of stolen liquor. According to Grub Street, the booze burglars made off with 1,314 1-liter bottles of Gordon’s gin, 912 71mL- and 120 500-mL bottles of Baileys, 744 1-liter bottles of Bell’s whiskey and 540 1-liter bottles of Smirnoff vodka. The alcohol was supposed to be sold at duty-free stores in Manchester Airport, however the bottles were stolen from a transport yard in England and are probably now destined for the black market. 


This is smart. If you’re going to risk your freedom stealing something then you better make sure it’s worth it. Alcohol is always worth it. 1 million out of 1 million times. If i went through the trouble of stealing all this alcohol there is no way I’m putting it on the black market. Any money I make will pale in comparison to the money I save from never having to buy hard liquor again. 540 bottles of vodka can easily last you a few years, unless you’re the worst drunk in the history of the world. Gin and whiskey aren’t my thing, but I respect the desire for variety. Baileys is an oddball choice. Actually it’s just kind of stupid. Needed some tequilla. If you’re stealing $113,000 worth of alcohol and you don’t get tequila you’re a poor excuse for a human being. Plain and simple.

– Ryan

Looks Like I’ll Be Eating Ice Cream All Weekend

(Source) “It’s perhaps the ultimate bar snack – but it  could leave you just as hung-over as the liquid refreshments on offer at your  local pub.

A U.S firm has introduced a range of unique  beer ice creams, and unlike your usual tub of raspberry ripple, cookie dough or  vanilla, they are alcoholic.

The ice cream, called Frozen Pints, comes in  seven different flavours with the strongest having an alcohol level of 3.2 per  cent – the same as a low-point beer.

The new range is the brainchild of Ari  Fleischer, from New York, who says that the idea was born purely out of  accident.

‘We were having a party and a friend brought  over an ice cream maker to make homemade ice cream,’ explained the  29-year-old.

‘But another friend spilled a beer nearby,  and I watched it happen and thought “this is a great idea!”

‘I’m really passionate about craft beer, and  love ice cream, so I picked it up as a hobby and started experimenting with  different flavour combinations.

‘We start with the beer as it is all about  finding the best, most flavourful craft brews – and then build a flavour around  them.”


Who does the marketing for this company, Jesus Christ? Because they are knocking it out of the park. Frozen Pints? Genius. “Have your beer and eat it too”? Double genius. Everybody loves ice cream. Everybody loves beer. Now you’re telling me I can eat a bowl of ice cream and get hammered at the same time? What a beautiful thing. The only thing I’m worried about is once I have these Frozen Pints I’ll probably never want actual bottled beer again. I’ll just be a man with his ice cream beer, ready to conquer the world.

– Ryan

Shit Just Got Real: Government Shutdown Means No New Craft Beer

(Source) “The federal government shutdown could leave America’s craft brewers with a serious hangover.

Stores will still offer plenty of suds. But the shutdown has closed an obscure agency that quietly approves new breweries, recipes and labels, which could create huge delays throughout the rapidly growing craft industry, whose customers expect a constant supply of inventive and seasonal beers.

Mike Brenner is trying to open a craft brewery in Milwaukee by December. His application to include a tasting room is now on hold, as are his plans to file paperwork for four labels over the next few weeks. He expects to lose about $8,000 for every month his opening is delayed.”


You see that quote above me? That’s a quote from one of the founding fathers of these here United States. Now if politicians want to make everyone angry and depressed and shut down the government that’s fine. How do Americans cope with anger and depression? We drink beer. Now you’re trying to tell me these same politicians are trying to take away our beer? Now you’ve gone and messed around with the wrong portion of the population. Shutting down the national parks? Fine, most national parks employees are 100 years old. Shutting down the chemical safety and hazard investigation board? Kind of disturbing but fine, we’ll deal with it. But when you mess with beer, you’re dealing with a lot of unstable people, including myself. Drinking beer keeps our dreams alive. Maybe we didn’t become professional athletes, or race car drivers or astronauts. But we wake up everyday and go to work, then we come home, buy some beer and keep the economy moving forward. You take people like me and Matt out of the equation and society itself will crumble. Shut down the government. Shut up the government. I could care less. Just keep your greasy paws off my beer.

– Ryan

Nick Carter is Full of Shit

(Source) He struggled with addiction for years and now  Nick Carter has revealed his troubles began at the tender age of two. 

In his new autobiography, the Backstreet Boys  singer opens up about his parents’ dependence on alcohol which he believes led  to his addiction first to drinking and later drugs including cocaine, Ecstasy,  and prescription painkillers.

In new excerpts from the tome, titled Facing  the Music and Living to Talk About It, obtained by RadarOnline, Nick recounts a story which saw him trying  alcohol for the first time when he was still crawling at the bar below his parents’ apartment.

‘Family legend has it that when I was  two  years old, I crawled into one of the Yankee Rebel’s liquor storage  rooms where  I was caught drinking for the first time,’ he recounts. ‘My  parents always  laughed at that. I laughed too, for a while, and then I  didn’t laugh  at it anymore.’

Nick claims his mother and father also drank  heavily, which he  believes was caused by money worries and says he started  drinking himself when he was still a teenager.”

Bad influence: Nick Carter brands ex-girlfriend Paris Hilton a 'bad influence' as he recounts his 10 years of drug and alcohol addiction in a new memoir titled, Facing the Music and Living to Talk About It

Is there anything in the world less authentic than a celebrity autobiography? At least 80s stars drug problems were believable. Robert Downey Jr. tried marijuana at the age of 12. I can believe that. Tim Allen sold coke in his 20s. Very believable. Nick Carter started drinking at the age of 2? Not so much. You know what happens to a baby who drinks at 2 years old? They die. They don’t go on to become fantastic singers in an underrated boy band. What’s next? He was a world class juggler at 14 months? He won the Tour De France when he was 3? Yes you’re trying to sell copies of your book, but come up with a better story than that. After all, every alcoholic/drug addict from the late 90’s through the mid 2000s already has a built-in excuse: they drilled Paris Hilton.

– Ryan

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