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Vladimir Putin Scored 7 Goals During His Birthday Hockey Game Because If He Didn’t Everyone Would Be Dead

Vlad celebrated his 63rd with an exhibition hockey game featuring former NHL players and he unsurprisingly scored 7 goals. Putin is one of those guys that scares the living hell out of me because he’s so self obsessed. Who’s throws a birthday party for themselves? I’m not talking about one with former NHL players either. That’s just a psychopath move in general. It’s like well I have no friends so I might as well throw MYSELF a party. Just a bizarre move. You know everyone cheering him on in the audience was paid, and that poor opposing goalie. Vlad could’ve been playing a wheelchair and that goalie would’ve let 7 shots trhough. Another ‘triumph’ for one of the world’s saddest men.

-Ryan

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Your Average 2015 #StanleyCupFinal Preview By @adam_barnardino

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Last summer I told a few hockey fan friends of mine that I wanted to put money on the Tampa Bay Lightning to win the Eastern Conference, but as a Boston Bruins fan, I simply couldn’t do it.  Had I known that the Bruins would break my heart all season and miss the playoffs, I would have done this and been a rich (not really) man.  The Chicago Blackhawks are a constant contender for the Cup every season, so it’s not really a surprise to see them here again.  Let’s take a look at each team and see how they stack up, shall we?

 

Chicago Blackhawks

Led by Captain Serious, Jonathan Toews, this team has the experience and championship pedigree to reach the mountain top for the third time in six seasons.  Their strengths far outweigh their weaknesses.  They have superstar players like Toews and Patrick Kane on offense, as well as one of the best all-around defenseman in the league in Duncan Keith.  When you couple those players with their “role players” such as Marian Hossa, Patrick Sharp, Brandon Saad, Brent Seabrook, and Andrew Shaw, there is no reason the Hawks should see a lack of scoring in this best of seven series.  I put “role players” in quotes because almost any other team in the NHL would see these guys as valuable bodies that know how to win and defend in their own zone, & it’s astonishing how Chicago has been able to keep this core group of players together for years as they continue to produce positive results.  Backstopped by Corey “Crow” Crawford, the Blackhawks have a strong defense that has a proven track record in the playoffs.  The only weakness I see in Chicago is their lack of defenseman.  The loss of Michael Rozsival earlier in the playoffs was a blow to their defense and an aging Kimmo Timmonen has not been able to pick up the slack.  I can see the speed of the Tampa Bay Lightning forwards exposing this slight flaw and using it to their advantage. If the Blackhawks do win the Cup, that would be 3 titles in 6 years, with 5 conference finals appearances mixed in. It’d be hard to argue that if they win, they’d join hockey royalty as a legitimate dynasty.

 

Tampa Bay Lightning

At the start of the 2015 Stanley Cup Playoffs the leader of the Tampa Bay Lightning, Steven Stamkos, found himself in a rare scoring drought.  As the playoffs have worn on, Stammer has found his scoring touch which is a bad sign for Blackhawks fan.  Arguably the best scorer in the league, Stamkos can take over a series and drive his teammates to victory.  During this drought Tampa was picked up by the Triplets line of Nikita Kucherov, Tyler Johnson, and Ondrej Palat.  Three young forwards who have taken the playoffs by storm, combining for more points than any trio of forwards this postseason.  Look for them to show their speed against a depleted Chicago defense.  Their role players mirror that of Chicago with guys like Ryan Callahan, Valteri Fillpula, Alex Kilorn, and Brian Boyle.  Unlike the Hawks, Tampa has seen a recent boost in their defensive core with the return of the hard hitting Matt Carle.  Their top D-man is Victor Hedman who has quietly become a top 10 defenseman in the NHL with the ability to jump up on an offensive rush.  Their goaltender Ben Bishop has seen great success since becoming the starter for the Lighting, but has been slightly inconsistent looking back at the Eastern Conference Finals.  However, he does seem to step up in big games.  A weakness I see in Tampa is a lack of playoff experience when compared to Chicago, but they continue to prove their doubters wrong and defeat high quality teams.

Verdict

This will be a lengthy series with big hits and a lot of scoring.  I expect it to be a very exciting one because both of these teams have a blueprint for success.  We could very well see the Lightning turn into Chicago in the next few seasons as far as producing success on a consistent basis.  They have a fearless leader in Stamkos and have built an incredible supporting cast around him with a goaltender that could likely see a Vezina Trophy in his future.  However, it is difficult to bet against the Blackhawks because all they do is win.  The real winners will be everyone who watches these games, because mark my words this Cup final will be one for the ages.

Heart says: Tampa in 7

Head says: Chicago in 6

– Adam

Watch ‘Name’, The NHL’s Stanley Cup Commercial That Will Blow You Away (Literally. Like Wind)

The NHL is consistently the best at commercials that both chronicle their history and show the importance of the series that’s about to be played. While a lot of other sports have “sold out”, Lord Stanley’s Cup is still as prestigious as was when it was first introduced. Search any Stanley Cup playoff commercial and I guarantee you you’ll get goose bumps. I don’t even like hockey and I think this commercial is awesome. Also Liev Schreiber should probably narrate every video ever. He dominated 24/7 on HBO, and he dominates in this commercial as well.

Curtis Lazar Capped Of The Ottawa Senators Win Over The Bruins Last Night With An Ice Rink Hamburger

Curtis Lazar must be a fan of the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”, because life threw him a hamburger last night, and he ate it. I’ll never openly root against the Bruins, as their the hometown team, but you’re not going to win against a competitor as hungry as Curtis. While I’ll never condone wasting that much delicious hamburger, it is a nice little wrinkle to the post game celebration. I have to imagine after three hours of hockey you’re pretty hungry, so what better way to conquer that hunger than with a delicious hamburger that was thrown from the stands? A+ for Curtis, and A+ for the Senator’s fans.

– Ryan

H/T UPROXX

Ranger’s Defenseman Kevin Klein Pulled A Mick Foley In Last Night’s Game, Losing Part Of His Ear During The Game Then Scoring The Game Winning Goal in OT

Ears Kevin Klein lost part of his ear in the first period, then found the back of the net in overtime to give the New York Rangers a stirring victory.

Klein, known more for his defense, has discovered his offensive game this season. The defenseman has scored a career-best six goals and has a career-high three game-winners — including two in overtime.

His latest was the difference in a 4-3 victory over Pittsburgh on Monday night after the Rangers squandered a late two-goal lead when the Penguins struck twice in 24 seconds.

For those of you who don’t get the Mick Foley comparison, Foley was a professional wrestler who lost most of his ear during a match when his head got caught up in the ropes. You see a lot of hockey fans rant and rave about how hockey players are the toughest athletes, citing a bunch of instances when they played hurt or recovered incredibly quickly from injuries. While I may not agree with some of their points, this was a pretty goddamn impressive thing to do. Not only did Klein come back into the game, but he scored the game winning goal in OT. That’s pretty heroic. Also, anytime I can make a Cactus Jack reference I’m going to jump all over it.

– Ryan

In Case Your Monday Couldn’t Get Any Worse, Kelly Kelly Got Engaged Over the Weekend

Devestated

Life just isn’t fair sometimes. Kelly Kelly, or Barbie Blank (still not sure which one is her real name) got engaged to her hockey player boyfriend over the weekend, and now I just want to stay in a dark room until the end of time. At least we’ll always have the memories, Kelly, Barbie, whatever your name is. We’ll always have the memories.

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– Ryan

If You’re a Male Cop Looking to Get Your Butt Grabbed Then You Bettter Start Hanging Around Claude Giroux

HOCKEYClaude Giroux was arrested Tuesday night according to the Ottawa Sun. A source told the Ottawa Sun Giroux was “repeatedly grabbing the buttocks of a male police officer” and alcohol is believed to be involved.

Several sources confirmed to the Sun that Giroux spent Tuesday night in jail and he is expected to be released without any criminal charges.

No comment has been made by the Ottawa Police or the Flyers at this point.

The only way this story gets better is if  Claude Giroux yelled “tushy squeeze!” every time he grabbed the cops ass. Whether it happened or not, that’s how it played out in my mind. I don’t want to pass judgment, but I’m going to assume things aren’t OK at home for Claude. Flyers lose in the first round of the playoffs and all of a sudden Claude is in Ottawa grabbing everybody’s ass. Whoever the Ottawa Sun’s source is sure has some magnificent detective skills as well. “Alcohol was believed to be involved.” Shocking. I also can’t wait for hockey fans to spin this story into another “hockey players are the toughest” tirade. “Oh you don’t grab other guys butts? Hockey players do, and they’re the toughest athletes in the world!!!”.

– Ryan

For Some Reason a Boston Bruins Fan Got a Tattoo of the PK Subban/Shawn Thornton Water Bottle Incident

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(Yahoo Sports)

Not sure what the point of this is. Didn’t the Bruins lose that series? And didn’t they lose it to the Canadiens, their hated rivals? Why would you want to commemorate that series? Yeah the water bottle incident was funny but it died out after about 40 minutes, and then your team lost the series and went fishing. Maybe next time get a tattoo of a happy Boston Bruins memory. That way you won’t start sobbing every time you have to explain the tattoo.

– Ryan

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