By now I’m sure you’ve heard the news about Robert Kraft. The Patriots owner was caught on tape at a Florida spa engaging in “sexual acts”, which is grown up speak for hand and mouth stuff. The opinions on this have ranged from “who cares” to “blind outrage” with some in the middle probably only upset because Kraft owns the Patriots and everybody needs a reason to hate the Pats.
I’m not here to be the moral authority on this subject. I personally could care less, but it’s definitely not a good look for Kraft’s public image. That’s the bad side. The good side? I’ll have Dave from King Savage media explain.
So I received a cool tip today about Robert “Bob” Kraft, the owner of the New England Patriots. Or as he shall henceforth be know: the guy who was arrested for prostitution.
As you may or may not know, prostitution is legal in the Dominican Republic. With that knowledge, I pulled a few strings and called my friend Marco over at DR Nights, a sex resort in the Dominican Republic, and made him aware that Bob Kraft was arrested for prostitution.
DR Nights would like to offer Robert Kraft a complimentary night at it’s world famous sex resort.
“There is no reason to get arrested for solicitation of prostitution, Mr. Kraft,” said Marco, a representative of DR Nights. “Here, in the Dominican Republic, prostitution is legal, and part of the tourism economy. We would like to offer Mr Kraft a complimentary night to show him all of what our luxurious resort has to offer.”
DR Nights will include multiple companions and a luxurious setting for Mr. Kraft to sample, free of any possible arrests.
“We would never like to see something embarrassing like this happen again to Mr. Kraft,” Marco continued. “Don’t get arrested in your home country; come visit DR Nights in the Dominican Republic, and stay in our resort, not a jail cell. We have real-life sisters, I’d choose that over jail everyday.”
Well there you have it folks, DR Nights is officially the best place on earth for sex if sisters is your thing.
Marco told me to tell Bob Kraft to call him and he would take it from there. So I’m telling the Internet to make it happen so Bob Kraft calls Marco, the charges get dropped, Bob gets a polite rendezvous with sisters, the PATRIOTS WIN THEIR 7th SUPERBOWL, and hell doesn’t freeze over.
Kraft, or any member of his team, is welcome to contact DR Nights, at https://www.drnights.com/2841.html .
DR Nights said anyone is welcome to enjoy the packages as well: https://www.drnights.com/2841.html.
Airfare is not included.
Hands down my favorite part of that press release is the “airfare is not included” part, as if that is the biggest worry when you’re contemplating going to a Dominican sex resort.
Robert Kraft may soon be a convict, but thanks to Doctah Dave and DR Nights, he may also be a international sex hero.
I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, both two of the greatest quarterbacks of their generation and of all time, will face each other for the 17th time this Sunday with a trip to Super Bowl 50 on the line. As AFC rivals their entire career, the stakes literally could not be higher. Brady is 11-5 in his career vs. Manning, but in their 4 career playoff meetings, each man has come away with two victories. In those four seasons, either Brady or Manning’s team have gone on to win the Super Bowl three times.
Living in New England, Tom Brady, now in his 16th NFL season, has taken on an almost God-like status. Whether you love him or you hate him, you cannot deny how superior the man is at football. Over a 15 year period, the team that represents the AFC in the Super Bowl has almost exclusively gone through Foxboro. Since the 01-02 season, this will be the 10th time (!) that Tom Brady and the Patriots have played in the AFC Championship game. Of the previous nine, they’ve won six, and gone on to win four of those Super Bowls. Brady has a career record of 22-8 in the playoffs, but is only 3-3 on the road, which goes to show how dominant his Patriots teams have been in the regular season. He’s Batman in football form, dispensing his enemies with relative ease all while keeping up the poster boy charm.
Peyton Manning, now in his 18th NFL season, has been the Joker to Brady’s Batman. Manning holds 15 NFL regular season passing records, including the most yards and touchdowns of all time. Manning’s success in the regular season is only rivaled by Brady’s, and where Brady thrives (playoffs) Manning has faltered. Manning is 12-13 in his career in the playoffs, and the only postseason stat in which he equals Brady is in the amount of Super Bowls he has lost (2). Now for a guy to play in 25 playoff games (and counting), win a Super Bowl and have all those regular accolades is an amazing career. But Peyton Manning was put on this Earth to play football at the same time as Thomas Brady, and they will forever be entwined.
While stats are fun for casual conversations with friends, all that matters to Patriots, Broncos, Brady and Manning fans is the outcome of Sunday’s matchup. From now until Sunday you’ll see a million articles about how the game is so much more than Brady and Manning, but when it comes down to it, it really isn’t. It’s all about Brady and Manning. It’s about two guys who love the game of football and are really, really good at it, and for the 17th time they get to duke it out to see who is the better man. I can confidently say we will never see a quarterback rivalry at this level again, and I’m just glad I got to be a fan during their tenures. As for Sunday’s game? Patriots 23 Broncos 16.
WM – Harbaugh was so fired up about the possibility of WrestleMania coming back to Detroit that he called back into the radio show a few minutes after his original interview. He had an idea for a host.
“Why not the Big House?” he said. “Why not? 140,000 – I bet we could get in there for Wrestlemania. They’re trying to break the attendance record at Jerry Jones’ stadium in Dallas. (There’s) a great Canadian presence in wrestling. Why not Michigan and the Big House?”
Now that Minneapolis is just about officially off the board for WM 33 hosting duties, Michigan’s Big House sounds like a pretty appetizing option. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see 140,000 wrestling fans pack Michigan’s stadium plus a cameo from legitimate crazy man Jim Harbaugh. My life has been missing Harbaugh since he my left my 49ers for college football, but this might be the move to bring him back in. WWE is bold enough to make this happen, and now they have new face of Michigan on their side. Harbaugh/Dean Ambrose in a Japanese Death Match or we riot.
When I first read the title of this video, I pictured Rubio pegging some poor kid Peyton Manning/SNL style. But after watching it, you can’t really blame Rubio here. It’s not the greatest throw, but man this kid is terrible. Not only does he keep his hands spread apart like he’s trying to catch a pumpkin, but he lets the ball hit him in the head and then he falls down. I don’t want to sound mean, but maybe that kids parents should take him for a check up to make sure his motor skills are progressing at the regular rate. It’s one thing to miss a pass. It’s another to let it hit you in the head and fall down. Do less, random child.
Tom Brady had his day in court yesterday as his never ending battle with the NFL and Roger Goodell over Deflate Gate continues. While everyone is pretty sick of DG at this point, court room sketch artist Jane Rosenberg decided she was going to steal the show yesterday, and steal the show she did. Here is her sketch of Brady during the proceedings:
— The New York Times (@nytimes) August 12, 2015
That is amazing. I honestly picture her in the court room with an oil painting set just having a ball trying to sketch everybody and make them look as sullen and sick as possible. It’s great. Naturally, this led to some amazing meme’s, and since we’re givers here at the Average Nobodies, we collected a few of our favorites for you. Without further ado, the Tom Brady meme extravaganza.
— TODAY (@TODAYshow) August 13, 2015
— Ray Steele (@WIBCRaySteele) August 13, 2015
— Anthony DiMoro (@AnthonyDiMoro) August 13, 2015
— Isaac (@WorldofIsaac) August 12, 2015
— Alix Michaels (@AlixsVoice) August 13, 2015
Tom Brady courtroom sketch is the only meme that matters today. Keep it up, Internet. pic.twitter.com/wcBlcvzmnY
— Patrick Hedlund (@patrickhedlund) August 12, 2015
Vernon Davis didn’t have the greatest season last year. He was hurt, yes, but he played in 14 games and finished with 26 catches and two touchdowns, which is…not good. While his physical ailments may have healed in the offseason, it’s clear from this Family Feud clip that he is also mentally unhinged. While the ‘stripper’ comment was kind of funny, the ‘feet’ comment was just disturbing. There’s no need to go all Rex Ryan on us and air your foot fetishes out in public. Let’s worry about hands and catching the ball so the 49ers don’t suck again.
P.S. Steve Harvey is the best game show host of all the times.
Tonight we Release Installment 3 of our Fantasy Football Podcast, But until then Enjoy Last Weeks Episode
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