We’ve done a lot of hypothetical monster blogs, but this one might take the cake. If there is a demographic out there that would ever root for the Average Nobodies to become porn stars then I will have lost complete faith in humanity. There’s just certain things human eyes aren’t meant to see. That still didn’t stop us from coming us with stage names if we ever made the big time.
If we ever make it big, our first purchase is a horse. A lot of rich people have fancy cars, or mansions with moats, or luxurious yachts, but only the truly elite own horses. With great power comes great responsibility, and with great responsibility comes naming your horse. We have to imagine there is nothing worse than watching your stallion cross the finish line with the entire crowd laughing at you because you picked a shitty name. The real winners in horse racing are those brave men and women who dare to be bold when choosing their horses name.
It was my childhood nickname (because apparently I reminded my parents of a black man with a speech impediment who ran like a white boy with leg braces) and I’ve embraced it ever since. Bubba Gump just so happens to roll off the tongue like a fine wine, and announcers better get used to saying it, because Bubba Gump does two things well: shrimpin’ and winning horse races.
Something that I have believed in since I was a child was that human names make the best animal names. Take my hypothetical horse, Kevin, for example. Pretty decent human name, but dynamite horse name! Let’s look at others named Kevin: Kevin Costner, Kevin Bacon, Kevin Spacey, Kevin Durant. Do I need to say more? Kevin will steal the Triple Crown and your heart, with ease.
This morning BuzzFeed put up a list of “21 Painfully Awkward Band Photos“. Here are my favorites.
PS- I have to meet “Carlos”. Find me Carlos!
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! This royal baby nonsense has gone on far enough, and it’s time for the Average Nobodies to put our classy touch on the birth of the century. Here’s what we know, the baby is a boy…and that’s about it. So here are our top names we think Kate and Will should consider naming their little bundle of joy.
Prince Indiana Jones of Cambridge
Right out the gate this kid is going to be a stud, I can feel it. I mean come on, look at his mom, dad, aunt, and uncle. This royal offspring is swimming in good genes, i actually haven’t seen this good a gene pool since the Mannings and the Baldwins. To complement this kids deadly charm he needs to have a dynamite name. Prince Indy will be all the rage 20-something years from now. Named after one of the greatest humans to ever live, Prince Indiana will pick off where Harrison Ford left off, kicking ass and discovering ancient artifacts. Not to mention he will have good ‘ol Uncle Harry to come along on all of his adventures.
PS- Or we could go with Charlie Daniel’s suggestion
How about naming the royal baby Bubba.
— Charlie Daniels (@CharlieDaniels) July 23, 2013
Captain Jacob Van Loon of Cambridge
I like to picture the royal baby as a infant super villain. From day one he’s a terror for both William and Kate. He refuses to be another pawn in their royal power game, and at age 18, he runs away from home. No one hears from Captain Jacob until a few years later, when he battles his father for the title of undisputed ruler of England. Of course the English version of a power struggle will probably be a fencing match or who can eat the most crumpets in one sitting. Either way, Captain Jacob is going to be one bad ass baby.
P.S. I know the baby’s official title will be prince, but no self respecting villain can call themself a prince. Plus, if Jacob and William are ever on a boat, Jacob will be in charge. There is no higher authority on a boat then a captain.
Few things give me more of a stiffy than a good nickname. I’m not just talking about willy-nilly handing out monikers. The kind i’m talking about are the ones that always stay with you, the ones that have deep meaning and just roll off the tip of your tongue. So here is my list (in no specific order) of the best nicknames in sports today. I tried diversifying between sports as best I could or else they all would have been NFL players.
1.) J.J. Swatt
The man with tennis rackets for arms, J.J. Watt
2.) The Freak
Tim Lincecum, the kid who looks like he shouldn’t even be able to reach home plate, never mind 100mph.
3.) The Muscle Hamster
As much has Doug Martin wants to shake this nickname, he never will and we won’t let him! FEED HIM
4.) The Little Ball of Hate/Nose Face Killah
The small pup who’s ready to take on any big dog that steps in his yard. (He also has a huge schnoz)
The Bass Pro Shop car is the most badass ride in all of racing
6.) Beast Mode
Give this guy some skittles and let him run free.
7.) The Durantula
The only spider I like
Transforms into a touchdown machine when he steps his cleats on the field.
9.) The Flying Tomato
Red headed, Olympic and X-Games gold medalist? This tomato has got some grapes.
10.) The King of Kings
HHH aka “The Three H’s”
P.S. The greatest nickname of all time, without contention, is “The Great One”.