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The Video Of A Flock Of Birds Taking Over This Guy’s House Is Literally My Worst Nightmare

I don’t know why these people were so calm, because if this happened to me not only would there be no video evidence but I’d never step foot in that house again. I’d burn it to the ground and never look back. The birds takeover is real, and now they’re infiltrating our homes. The same homes we’re supposed to feel safe in. I’m ok with conceding outside to the birds; they can fly and do whatever they want outside, but once they start entering homes it’s basically the beginning of the end of the human race. Everyone else is worried about nuclear wars and psychotic world leaders and the birds are sneaking in right under our noses. This is the worst start to a week in the history of the world.

– Ryan

H/T UPROXX

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Jimmy Fallons’ Throwback Thursday – “Full House Reunion”

This skit is from one of Jimmy Fallon’s final “Late Night” shows, where the guys from Full House (Saget, Stamos, Joey) show up and help him make his decision to take over The Tonight Show. Two takeaways: John Stamos ages like a fine wine and Jimmy Fallon’s make believe bedroom is what nightmares are made of.

– Ryan

Johnny Gomes and Mike Napoli Looking GOOD at the White House

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Couple of handsome fellas right there. I wanted to think I’d be surprised but I 100% expected Gomes to wear something loud and he did not disappoint. Napoli is his usual handsome bearded self as well. Also not surprised they took a picture in front of the portrait of Clinton. Party animals and renegades stick together.

– Ryan

Looks Like My Valentines Day for 2014 is Booked – House of Cards Season 2 Premieres February 14th

My valentines usually consists of me and Matt going to the movies. Instead, this year we’ll be watching TV. What a difference a year makes. House of Cards will be back starting Valentines Day, 2014, and I can’t wait. That Kevin Spacey is just so sneaky, but so goddamn good. If you  haven’t watched Season 1 (you should), you have exactly 71 days to do so (all episodes are on Netflix). Great cast. Great show. ‘Nuff said. Check out the promo trailer and I dare you look me in the eye and say you’re not excited.

– Ryan

On the List of Bad Ideas, Robbing a Professional Axe Throwers Home Is Close to the Top

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Generally speaking, breaking and entering isn’t something one should ever do.

That said, if you’re dead set on burglarizing a house, you’d be well-advised to make sure it isn’t currently owned and occupied by a professional ax thrower who goes to sleep with a tomahawk by her bed.

Robin Irvine, a pro ax thrower who lives in Hemet, Calif., taught two men that lesson the hard way early Saturday morning, when they sneaked in through her window while she was sleeping. She woke up when one of the men tried to take the watch off her wrist, and proceeded to scream, startling the men.

She then grabbed her trusty bedside tomahawk, and — wearing only her underwear and a T-shirt — chased both men out of her house. She says she could’ve easily paralyzed one of the men but chose not to, telling the Los Angeles Times it took everything she had not to throw her ax. -HuffPost

WHAT IDIOTS! Burglary 101 right here. Looks like this duo forgot to do their research, or if they did do their research they are horrible at doing research. When it comes to breaking into homes I am no expert, but I would like to think that if I ever hit rock bottom and started robbing homes, I wouldn’t do something like this. “Ok, Matt, probably shouldn’t break into this house. Robin Irvine lives there, and she would carve my ass up with a hatchet if I was to try anything funny.” And that’s it, i’d move onto the next house.

Just to make everything worse one of the guys tries to take the watch off of her wrist? Really? There is nothing else in the house you want more than her watch? That’s just greed and stubbornness right there. Unless the other guy dared him to do it. In that case you snatch that watch right off her wrist, no questions asked. Everyone knows you’re not a man if you turn down a good dare. Although you should probably remove all the hatchets from the room before you do.

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Even Burt Maclin knows that.

-MattyV

I’m Officially A Lake Person

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Again, I don’t know what this means but I am now officially a lake person. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Give Ryan and his friends a few 30 racks of Busch Light and a lake view house and they’re the happiest sons of bitches on planet Earth. If I can somehow watch a polo match at a lake house then I will have finally found my Utopia. A man can dream.

– Ryan

How To Rent A House (For A Summer Party)

So I graduated from college a few years back and I’ve become a bigger piece of shit than I could have ever imagined. I mean I know I was on my way, but whatever. My current boss is also my former landlord. When I was a senior, my buddies and I rented his house…and trashed it. I’ve been working for him for a year and a half now, and I’ve been reminded of it every day. Every piece of furniture got broken, holes in the wall, carpets destroyed (pun totally intended), and bathrooms too gross for for Deuce Bigalow’s dad to clean. This is my cross to bare.

Now if you’re renting a house this summer, here’s a few tips.
1. Never rent it from someone you know
2. Remove everything that can break aka make it look like a bare walled serial killers cottage
3. Kegs over cans
4. Try not to wrestle, I mean really try
5. If need be, puke outside, not in a bed/couch, same with pissing…and screwing?
6. One cowboy hat per gang
7. The less shirts the better
8. Involve a water activity with a drinking game (girls go nuts for that shit)
9. Someone needs to bring a dog that drinks beer because it’s hilarious
10. Get drunk while you clean up

This list can be edited of course, but you get my point. I’m trying to party, not win a lifetime achievement award. For a few ideas, check out the video below and let the games begin!

+Berno

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