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Rob Gronkowski Putting Jumbotrons Everywhere on Notice

This guy cannot be stopped. Lets hope he makes it to next season in one piece.

-Matt

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Donald Sterling’s New ‘Horny’ Defense Story is the Worst Defense Story Ever

DummyThe latest defense from Donald Sterling: I’m not a racist, I’m just horny.

The Los Angeles Clippers owners, barred from life from the NBA over his racist remarks about African-Americans, says his mind was warped by lust during his now-infamous taped conversation.

“You know, if you were trying to have sex with a girl, and you don’t think anybody’s there, you might say anything in the world,” Sterling explained in a two-minute recorded conversation obtained by RadarOnline.com.

“You might say you have the biggest penis in the world,” the 80-year-old billionaire real estate mogul continued. “I would have said I could fly over high-rise buildings if I had to.”

Sterling said he was jealous of the younger black men who accompanied his 31-year-old girlfriend V. Stiviano to Clippers games

“What the hell, I’m talking to a girl,” Sterling said. “The girl’s black. I like her. I’m jealous that she’s with other black guys. I want her … Can I, in private, tell her I don’t want her to be with anybody?

“Am I person? Do I have any freedom of speech?”

Sterling specifically objected to Stiviano’s Instagram posting of a photo with Magic Johnson — and he complained that the Hall of Famer should be more sympathetic to his situation.

“I wish Magic Johnson was talking to a girl, and he’s trying to play with her,” Sterling said. “You might say anything.

Sterling ended the conversation by clumsily invoking a black woman who’s apparently an employee.

“I have a girl here who has black kids, and is partly black, I think,” he said. “I love the girl. And so she’s telling me ‘You’re wrong.’

Oh Really?

I have a serious question: is Donald Sterling mentally retarded? I’m not trying to make fun of him, I just want to know, because if he is I’ll stop writing posts about him. But if he isn’t, then he really needs to fire his publicist or hire a publicist because he has negative infinity common sense. So anytime Donald Sterling wants to have sex with a girl, he pulls the racist card. Just starts running down black people. Does that work? Personally if I want to have sex with a girl I break out the dance moves, then they run away, and I go home alone. Maybe I should start being a racist. I’m sure that really charms the pants off a girl. In a way I want this whole thing to just end but I also want to hear more reasoning from Donald. He’s pure racist gold.

– Ryan

 

Let’s Skip the Hype and Get Rebecca Grant a Sideline Reporter Job Now

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Just give this girl a sideline reporter job now. We all know it’s going to happen. Happened with Erin Andrews. Happened with Katherine Webb. And it’s going to happen with Rebecca Grant. Positions herself perfectly at the Clippers game grabbing her ham hogs which I guess is the only criteria to get you an interview on Fox News now? Of course she yells off screen at her friend during the live interview. Why woulnd’t she? Gotta keep the hype going. Wouldn’t want a boring interview to ruin all the momemtum you got from grabbing your boobs at a basketball game. Let’s just have ESPN sign her to cover the NFL Draft tomorrow and negotiate a Dancing With The Stars clause into her contract so we can watch her until some other hot girl in the stands captures our attention. Although I gotta say, I would not mind staring at that face during a basketball or football game.

– Ryan

 

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Why The Average Nobodies Buying the LA Clippers is Good For the NBA, America

Now that Donald Sterling is banned from the NBA for life and will most likely have to sell the team, a lot of celebrities have chimed in on why THEY should buy the LA Clippers. Floyd Mayerweather, Oprah, Dr. Dre, Larry Ellison, Frankie Muniz; pretty much everyone is trying to get in while the getting’s good. What do these people have that we don’t have? Money? Power? Fame? Respect? The answer to all of those questions are yes (except for Frankie Muniz’s fame), but we don’t care about any of those things. Why? Because we have a plan. A plan that we created a few hours ago that will change the NBA forever. We’ve narrowed our plan down to 6 key points:

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1. We’d bring back theme nights ala Jackie Moon with the Flint Tropics. Rotissserie chicken night. Glow in the dark night. Authenitc jersey on a pole night. If there’s one thing we don’t lack, it’s imagination. Would these theme nights translate well into reality? Who cares, as long as it gets butts in the seats. Also, we’re not horrible racists.

2. We’d play in some of the games. Admittedly this kind of a selfish point, but if we own an NBA franchise there is a 100% chance that we will make the active roster at some point during our tenure.  To be honest, we think that’s what the game is lacking. Yeah it’s fun watching these gargantuan athletes dunk the ball all the time but what about some real, old fashioned basketball? Pick and rolls, layups, high shorts. Bring a little old school charm back to the league. Also, we’re not horrible racists.

3. We have no shortage of new team names and mascots. The Clipper’s ship has sailed (see what I did there?). It’s time for this LA franchise to take on a new identity, and we have the perfect suggestions for a town of this magnitude. Who wouldn’t love to see the LA Traffic Jams storming the court? I can see the posters now: “Tonight the Traffic Jams look to put the Heat in Park!” BOOM. Marketing 101. Also, we’re not horrible racists.

4. We would write story lines into every game. Kind of like professional wrestling……actually, exactly like professional wrestling. I’m talking tables, chairs, bra and panty matches (cheerleaders not players),  hell, fire, brimstone, and barbed wire. Our first act as owners would be to get Jim Ross and Joey Styles to do commentary. MAH GOD IT’S BLAKE GRIFFIN! Also, we’re not horrible racists.

5. We would get heavy hitting names to sing the national anthem. I’m sick of watching basketball games with Harry from Tempe, Arizona or Janette from Shrewsbury singing the national anthem. I want big time solo artists or bands on that parque floor. It’s the national anthem! Having all these nobodies (no pun intended) butcher it every home game and making it lose it’s prestige. The first night we take over, Huey Lewis and The News will be singing the national anthem. Beat that, Oprah. Also, we’re not horrible racists.

6. Also, we’re not horrible racists. Self explanatory.

Come on, who wouldn’t us owning a NBA team?! We already have famous friends and that’s pretty much half of owning a pro sports team.

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-The Average Nobodies

Adam Silver Missed The Boat By Not Having Donald Sterling Attend Michael Scott’s Diversity Day Training

A lifetime ban and a $2.5M fine might be OK with some people but not for me. Donald Sterling might not own an NBA team anymore but we’re ignoring the root of the problem: he’s an admitted, proud racist. Fining him pocket change and banning him from the sport in which 80% of the players are people he hates probably isn’t going to change his views, but sending him to Diversity Day training with Michael Scott will. It’s the ultimate cure all for racists of all kinds. I really hope Adam Silver adds a diversity day provision into this ruling. Donald Sterling needs it. America needs it. I need it.

– Ryan

It is Our Distinct Pleasure to Welcome Donald Sterling to the Racist Hall of Fame Class 2014

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Sterlings comments about not wanting his girlfriend to bring black people to his games are what lands him on the top of our hall of fame class. Donald Sterling really knows the right words to say, especially since he owns a NBA team. It’s over, Donald, time to sell the team. Don’t expect him to sell the team to someone that isn’t caucasian, Donny don’t roll like that.

Former inductees include:

John Rocker

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You thought we’d forget you, didn’t you John? No racist hall of fame ceremony, especially a sports racist hall of fame ceremony, is complete without John Rocker. Back when the Mets didn’t suck, they had a pretty awesome rivalry with their NL East foe the Atlanta Braves. During the midst of this rivalry, Braves pitcher John Rocker did an interview with Sports Illustrated. Rocker was asked his views on New York and the people who inhabit the state, and naturally his answer was unimaginably horrible:

  • On ever playing for a New York team: “I would retire first. It’s the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you’re [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing.”
  • On New York City itself: “The biggest thing I don’t like about New York are the foreigners. I’m not a very big fan of foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?”

As you can imagine, this didn’t go over well in New York or any other civilized place in the world. Rocker never backtracked any of his words and just turned into a shitty pitcher who hated everyone but white Americans. You’ve joined an elite class, Mr. Sterling.

Cliven Bundy

After this racist rant Bundy went on to blame Martin Luther King Jr. for his racism. Hey Cliven, you are already in the Hall of Fame, don’t show off.

 

There you have it, the worst of the worst and our first official selections into the racist hall of fame. It is really shocking that these types of people exist. Scum to the highest of degrees.

-The Average Nobodies

Honorary member:

Clayton Bigsby

Hey Chris Humphries: Do Less

You’d think people would just get out of the way when Blake Griffin gets ready for takeoff. Especially when you’re Chris Humphries. If you’re a professional basketball player and the only reason people know who you are is because you married a Kardashian there’s a solid chance you suck as a professional basketball player. Get out of the way, Chris. Save the little dignity you have left.

– Ryan

How I Fix the NBA – More Jumping

Here is an info graphic taken from USAToday.com

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You know what this tells me? Popovich and co. need to work on some showmanship. Basketball in recent years has taken a turn for the worst. i.e the “announcement”, anything Ron Artest does, anything Metta World Peace does, David Stern being operated internally by a small alien, and The King who cried foul. I digress. Lets spark up this NBA season and get some viewers back. 5 alley-oops over the past two years? That is unacceptable. That also goes for anyone who is putting up less than 70. Clean up your acts, move the ball, and break some backboards. Don’t make me call Jackie Mooooooon

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-MattyV

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