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Mike Tyson is the Latest Celebrity to Endorse Team USA And Now I’m Legitimately Scared For the Citizens of Belgium

My favorite subplot of the World Cup is the random slew of celebrities coming out to support Team USA. The latest one is Mike Tyson, who I can confidently say has no idea what soccer or the World Cup is, but he’s supporting America so it’s OK. I also don’t know if getting Mike Tyson all riled up is a good thing. There’s a solid chance he’s going to go home tonight and look up Belgium on a map and make it his mission to make sure they never breathe life again. There are a lot of things in this world I’d test my might against, but a focused Mike Tyson is not one of them. If I were Belgium, I’d forfeit right now. Keep your country intact while you still can.

– Ryan

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Alex Morgan May Have Just Single Handedly Willed Team USA To a Win Tonight

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#IBELIEVE

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No way we lose this game now. Not with Alex Morgan and her fine self on our side.

– Ryan

Why The Average Nobodies Buying the LA Clippers is Good For the NBA, America

Now that Donald Sterling is banned from the NBA for life and will most likely have to sell the team, a lot of celebrities have chimed in on why THEY should buy the LA Clippers. Floyd Mayerweather, Oprah, Dr. Dre, Larry Ellison, Frankie Muniz; pretty much everyone is trying to get in while the getting’s good. What do these people have that we don’t have? Money? Power? Fame? Respect? The answer to all of those questions are yes (except for Frankie Muniz’s fame), but we don’t care about any of those things. Why? Because we have a plan. A plan that we created a few hours ago that will change the NBA forever. We’ve narrowed our plan down to 6 key points:

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1. We’d bring back theme nights ala Jackie Moon with the Flint Tropics. Rotissserie chicken night. Glow in the dark night. Authenitc jersey on a pole night. If there’s one thing we don’t lack, it’s imagination. Would these theme nights translate well into reality? Who cares, as long as it gets butts in the seats. Also, we’re not horrible racists.

2. We’d play in some of the games. Admittedly this kind of a selfish point, but if we own an NBA franchise there is a 100% chance that we will make the active roster at some point during our tenure.  To be honest, we think that’s what the game is lacking. Yeah it’s fun watching these gargantuan athletes dunk the ball all the time but what about some real, old fashioned basketball? Pick and rolls, layups, high shorts. Bring a little old school charm back to the league. Also, we’re not horrible racists.

3. We have no shortage of new team names and mascots. The Clipper’s ship has sailed (see what I did there?). It’s time for this LA franchise to take on a new identity, and we have the perfect suggestions for a town of this magnitude. Who wouldn’t love to see the LA Traffic Jams storming the court? I can see the posters now: “Tonight the Traffic Jams look to put the Heat in Park!” BOOM. Marketing 101. Also, we’re not horrible racists.

4. We would write story lines into every game. Kind of like professional wrestling……actually, exactly like professional wrestling. I’m talking tables, chairs, bra and panty matches (cheerleaders not players),  hell, fire, brimstone, and barbed wire. Our first act as owners would be to get Jim Ross and Joey Styles to do commentary. MAH GOD IT’S BLAKE GRIFFIN! Also, we’re not horrible racists.

5. We would get heavy hitting names to sing the national anthem. I’m sick of watching basketball games with Harry from Tempe, Arizona or Janette from Shrewsbury singing the national anthem. I want big time solo artists or bands on that parque floor. It’s the national anthem! Having all these nobodies (no pun intended) butcher it every home game and making it lose it’s prestige. The first night we take over, Huey Lewis and The News will be singing the national anthem. Beat that, Oprah. Also, we’re not horrible racists.

6. Also, we’re not horrible racists. Self explanatory.

Come on, who wouldn’t us owning a NBA team?! We already have famous friends and that’s pretty much half of owning a pro sports team.

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-The Average Nobodies

The Story of Danny from Bridgewater, MA is Exactly Like the Plot of the Waterboy Except 1,000 Times Cooler

– via BuzzFeed

As far as news stories go, this one is pretty awesome. Just a heartwarming story about some cool kids who refuse to let their team water boy get bullied. Good for the 5th graders on this football team. If had Danny’s style sense at 6 years old I’d probably be President of the United States right now. That sport coat has chick magnet written all over it.

– Ryan

Monster Blog Wednesday: Zombie Apocalypse Competition

It seems like every other month a movie, tv show, or video game comes out that dances the line of a zombie apocalypse. Very rarely is it one man/woman against the undead. Here at average nobodies, we get into the argument of, “who would be your side kick during a zombie apocalypse” once a week. So during this weeks monster blog were each choosing a male and female companion during the zombie apocalypse as a 3 person team. Go!

Here are the rules:
-state your male and female sidekick (real life or fictional figure)
-why did you choose them?
-strengths during zombie apocolypse
-weapons and skills
-team chemistry
-result

Team 1
John Rambo
I picked Rambo for his obvious survival skills. He dudes a killing machine. No emotions, and will lay it all on the line for survival. I almost didn’t pick him on behalf of my female companion cause I don’t want him cramping smy style. But Rambo has no soul, and no interest in female contact. Problem solved. His skills include hand to hand combat, marksmanship with a gun or bow, living off the land, and living as a ghost. Our team chemistry would be shaky at first but I would be the honey to his vinegar, the stylish one of the group if you will.
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Now my female companion? I’m goin with Lara Croft, video game and movie heroine. This bitch is fearless, lives in a monstrous house, resources like Bruce Wayne (shit I should’ve picked him), and not to mention s.t.a.c.k.e.d. She can also make the tough decision on a road of troubled times. Also, experience with the supernatural. She was made to be mine. I will be the womb raider to her tomb raider. As for our chemistry. Nothing short of phenomenal. I can be the strong willed assertive man she needs and she can be the hardcore bitch I’ve always dreamed of. Together we will repopulate the planet full of ridiculously good looking badasses with fantastic hair. Rambo is more of an insurance policy, but we can all learn from each other to dominate zombies and take back our freedom! (Sorry I got all worked up)
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+Berno

Team 2
George Clooney
Easy pick. It’s like asking would I rather breathe air or live in airless tank filled with deadly sharks. I’m going with Clooney for a few reasons:
1. I’m obsessed with him, on every level
2. He’s a master of adapting to his surroundings. If I need a killing machine, I enlist “The American” Clooney. If I want to get romantic (fingers crossed) I enlist “One Fine Day” Clooney. If I need to outsmart the zombies? “Oceans Eleven” Clooney. If I need emergency surgery? He was a doctor on E.R. The list goes on and on. If I had to compare our team chemistry to any two people, it would be Noah and Allie from The Notebook. Two people madly in love with each other, killing zombies and skinny dipping in Lake Como.
ryan

Female companion: Gwyneth Paltrow. I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. First chance I get I’m sticking a sharp object through her entitled brain. This world is only big enough for one passionate love affair, and that’s me and Clooney. Once we kill Gwyneth and the survive the zombie apocalypse, we retire to Italy and start a private detective agency. Game. Set. Clooney.
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– Ryan

Team 3
“The Wildcards”
Bear Grylls
Is this even a question? I’m taking Bear as my male companion in a split second. There isn’t even a debate. The man who wins “vs. wild” every time. The guy can survive, with ease, in any environment and can procure food and water with nothing more than an empty water bottle and a sharpened stick. The only other person that could do this would maybe be David Copperfield. The guy is so skilled that normal survival isn’t enough for him, he has to make it a challenge. Walk the tundra? Nope, I’m gonna throw myself off a cliff. Stay dry? Nope, I’m gonna jump in this ice water. The only thing I’m worried about is team chemistry. For all I know Bear will wake up in the middle of the night and start eating my feet. A wildcard for sure, but i’ll take this wildcard anyday.

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Sarah Connor
The orignal bad girl is back from the dead and ready to kick some zombie ass. Here is how her dating profile would read: “Loves long walks on the beach, watching the sunset, and taking down Skynet.” You think zombies are tough? Try taking out a T-800 with your bare hands. Although I fear that she and Bear would run off together, leaving me to die a slow painful death, I am willing to take the chance. And Sarah, cut the cord with your son.  Kid can handle himself.
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-MattyV

P.S. Honorable mention: Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom. WHY? He has two degrees (including his juris doctorate, which he got in prison)and escaped from prison twice…Oh…and  he likes to brag that he killed more men than cancer.

Team 4

First let me start by saying I wouldn’t NEED anyone’s help. I’m pretty good at the Nazi Zombies video game and from what I hear that’s a more than adequate gauge of one’s ability to survive a zombie apocalypse. But for the sake of Monsterblog Wednesday, I’ll play along.

-Daenerys “Stormborn” Targaryen
She has three dragons. Let that sink in… And it’s not the kind of thing where they can turn on her or run away, she’s their mother. Zero reliability , 100% dependability. She’s a strong willed, high spirited leader with a knack for bringing people into her army, very useful should we find any useful survivors along the way. Not to mention by the time a zombie apocalypse rolls around she will have already fought a bazillion white walkers which are basically zombies on crack. Even if I get friend-zoned Jorah Mormont style, there are worse fates.

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And now for my ringer, undeniably the greatest zombie companion out there,

-Byron “Buster” Bluth
Do I really have to explain myself? Fine. Loyal to a fault, Buster wouldn’t think twice about running distraction duty while a horde of zombies chase after this unbeatable trio. He’s a master cartographer, an expert in 18th century Agrarian business (good for hostile take overs of the current makeshift society as we rebuild humanity), experienced archaeologist, a trained US Army soldier and let’s not forget about the badass zombie trashing hook permanently attached to his left arm. In fact, he’s starting to make me question my own usefulness in the zombie apocalypse. Plus he is the more likely candidate to get friend-zoned by Dany.

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-Sean Lite-

P.S. I think I need a painting of the three of us riding the dragons into an epic zombie battle with flaming swords and rocket launchers and I think I need it pre-imediately.

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