Blog Archives
Your Average Guide To President Trump’s Impeachment
Around the holidays, there’s nothing that brings people together quite like talking politics. On Wednesday night, the House of Representatives voted to impeach President Donald Trump. Because we’re all living in hell, everyone with a Facebook or Twitter account decided to post what their interpretation of that meant. The media gladly played along with headlines such as this:
While that’s technically true, there’s so much more to it than just saying he’s been impeached and moving on to the next cute dog video. Most people seem to think this infographic has been helpful:
That might be helpful for some people, but here’s what everyone is really thinking:
I’d be happy to. Since ‘President Trump’ tends to be a divisive term, I’ve replaced it with ‘Daddy’ moving forward.
What You Need To Know
Back in July, Daddy was on a call with the President of Ukraine discussing promised military aid. During the call, Daddy asked the President if he could announce an investigation into Joe Biden and his son Hunter, labeling it as a ‘favor’. The former just so happens to be one of the main Democratic candidates for President next year. Why would Daddy ask this?
If that call and request for an investigation into a political opponent were kept secret, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Unfortunately for Daddy, there was a whistle blower who reacted to the call like:
Once the details of the call were whistle blown (?), Democrats and Republicans had different reactions. The Democrats, who have long been looking for a way to take down Daddy, were elated:
The Republicans, who hitched their wagon to Daddy, were not as happy:
Once impeachment talks started to heat up, Daddy went straight to Twitter to set the record straight. In other words:
To make things worse for Daddy, he allegedly tried to obstruct the ongoing investigation into the Ukraine call. I have to imagine staff and allies tried to persuade him to keep quiet, to which he responded:
Armed with two articles of impeachment, the Democrats were ready to bring the case to the House of Representatives. A debate regarding the legality of the articles would ensue with each side stating their points:
Nancy Pelosi made her argument. The Republicans reacted accordingly:
The Republicans made their argument, including an interesting comparison of the proceedings to Jesus’s treason trial and the reasonableness of Pontius Pilate. Only question remained:
After all the debating, the House voted to impeach Daddy and move the trial to the Senate. But wait, there’s more! The Democrats may hold off on bringing the articles to the Senate citing the Senate Majority Leader’s statement that he would coordinate the trial with the White House counsel. The Democrats had only one response:
Daddy, on the other hand, was very happy about McConnell’s statement:
The saga continues. While this entire process has us feeling like this:
I know we’ll all be happy when we can finally say:
-Ryan
Florida News Anchor John Brown Is Fed Up With The Kardashians
I don’t know if this is the sign of the apocalypse or not, but a resident of Florida actually had a realistic reaction to a real life situation. John Brown isn’t the anchor we deserve, but he is the anchor we need. If more news anchors around the country would just walk out every time a Kardashian was featured on a news story, we’d have a much better society. If you want to play an ad for their TV show talk about Kim and Kanye’s baby that’s one thing, but is Kylie Jenner naming her pet rabbit ‘Bruce’ really a news story? The answer is no, it is not. I can’t imagine there are more than three people interested in that story. But here’s a TV show giving it it’s own segment, because one of the people involved just so happen to have the last name Kardashian or Jenner. Insanity.
-Ryan
Twitter News Weekly: #ArianaGrande Licked #JaredFogle From Subway
This week we explore the dark side of celebrities and sandwich spokespeople. Ariana Grande licked a donut, Jared from Subway got really creepy and I’m Ron Burgundy? All this and more on Twitter News Weekly!
– The Average Nobodies
Tucker Carlson Doesn’t Think Falling Alseep While Driving and Causing a Death is Reckless Driving…Wait What?
“I’m not trying to take anything away from the tragedy of this,” Carlson replied. “But 10 years in jail for falling asleep? It strikes me as very different from taking drugs, drinking. Has that ever happened? Has anybody ever actually gone to jail for falling asleep?”
“For falling asleep and causing a death?” Schwartz asked. “Absolutely.”
“But, I mean sometimes people — and I’m not defending anyone here,” Carlson continued. “I’m really struck by the idea that someone who falls asleep — which is something that everybody does every day, not necessarily considered an act of recklessness — does it unintentionally, nods off is a criminal.” – UPROXX
The only good thing about this interview is that Fox News had the brains to put an actual lawyer on the air to dispute everything this moron Tucker Carlson was saying. Falling asleep while driving a vehicle, not to mention a semi truck, might as well be the exact definition of reckless driving. There’s a reason most people fall asleep in a bed or on a couch: because they’re laying down not doing anything. like say, driving a car. Obviously this wasn’t intentional by the truck driver, but if you operate a vehicle and fall asleep and that act kills someone then you go to jail. In Tucker Carlson’s world I guess we’d just chalk it up a loss because everyone falls asleep. That’s like saying its OK to go out naked in public because everybody, every day, is naked at some point. But you can’t just go around hanging dong and expect not be picked up for it. Just like you can’t drive a semi truck and decide it’s nap time. Go back to Waterloo, Tucker.
– Ryan
If This is What Qualifies as “News” in 2014 Please Kill Me Before I See 2015.
Which Jenner is that? Is Kylie the one that can’t read or is it the other one? It would really suck for her if she is the one that can’t read because apparently she can’t dress either….ZING. I digress. Is this what we are calling “news”? The fact that two famous offsprings of more famous (I use famous loosely) people are eating at restaurants NEAR each other? Not even at the same place! Two different restaurants at two different times. But you know, because they were within a mile of one another and their lunch times happen to overlap a little, this is news. Good god, journalism at its finest!
-Matt
PS – I could of told you Justin Bieber would eat at a place called “Rainbow Bar & Grill”. Fits him perfectly. What an asshole.
Welcome to Florida, Where Bears Are More Logical Than Humans
Bears – After knocking over trash cans and scaring the residents of a Daytona Beach neighborhood Thursday, this black bear needed a rest. Photographer Rafael Torres said he followed the bear as it climbed into a hammock on Glenbriar Circle and got comfortable. Torres said he was about 60 feet away when he took the photos, and the bear didn’t seem bothered by his presence. It stayed in the hammock for 20 minutes before heading back into the woods around 8:15 p.m. “He got in the hammock like he was a tourist or something,” said Vincent James, who owns the home and the hammock. “Then something spooked him and he ran right back there. Then half an hour later I come back and I saw there he is in the hammock again.” The bear has been spotted multiple times in the Pebble Creek neighborhood in Daytona Beach since Wednesday. Residents say he was looking for food, tearing through a bird feeder and then trash cans.
This is weird. A species in Florida that isn’t stabbing a family member over mac and cheese or inventing words or urinating all over women. Bartholomew the Bear is actually just acting like a bear, and a pretty cool bear at that. In his defense, knocking over trash cans looking for food sounds pretty tiring. I bent down to tie my shoes the other day and needed to sit the next couple minutes of my day out, so I feel his pain. And if you see an open hammock you lay in it. One of the first rules of life. I don’t care if you’re a bear, a turtle or a human or some kind of future hybrid animal. Always lay in the hammock. Welcome to Florida, where bears lay in hammocks and humans dump buckets of urine on each other’s heads.
– Ryan
Twitter News Weekly – Godzilla!
Godzilla was so god damn good we decided to dedicate this week’s Twitter News Weekly to it. Enjoy/share the video and have a monster weekend everybody.
– The Average Nobodies
Alison Bologna, Welcome to the Local News Hall of Fame
Gotta love the local news. Just calling firetrucks fucktrucks like it ain’t no thang. Rhode Island was quiet for a while after the bear lady took the nation by storm. But my favorite newscaster with a deli meat for a last name refuses to let Rhode Island go quietly into the night. Not the most original blooper, but whenever you can sneak an F bomb onto the local news you’ve got my attention.
– Ryan
P.S. Never forget:
