Blog Archives
046 The Dragon, The Wolf and Brian Butterfield’s #1 Fan
Talk to us on twitter – @AverageNobodies || Read our blog – www.averagenobodies.com || Leave us a voicemail – 401-285-8120 ||
People Are Actually Upset That Michael Phelps Didn’t Race An Actual Shark #SharkWeek
Michael Phelps, a shark and the race that never happened.
Yeah. I said it. Oh my god, there wasn’t an actual shark. It was a scam. Oh my.
Fans of Discovery’s Shark Week were thrilled when they learned Michael Phelps would be racing a great white shark on Phelps vs. Shark: Great Gold vs. Great White. The widely publicized race garnered lots of attention on social media and was a trending topic on Twitter.
Unfortunately for Discovery, most of the viewer feedback from the show was frustration. It seems that many viewers thought Phelps was going to literally race a great white shark. But the behavioral ecologist leading the experiment, Dr. Tristan Guttridge, disappointed thousands when he said, “Clearly, we can’t put Michael in one lane and a white shark on the far lane. We have to do simulation.” – Yahoo
The world reacting to our collective stupidity
But look on the bright side, off the marketing and viewing alone, Michael Phelps and the producers made a pretty penny. Think about it, he only has to get you to watch the show, not to like it. He did what he had to do. And he did it well. For that Michael Phelps, we salute you. I didn’t watch it. I don’t care to. You didn’t get me, Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps will never be on another Shark Week. That’s ok, his career is over, and he has enough Olympic money to pay for him and 1,000 simulated sharks to drink pina coladas on the beach all day. And if he ever goes broke, he can sell the Olympic Gold. Savage, I know. But like I said, he does what he has to do when he has to do it.
My Nobodies (I capitalize you like the Gods you are), do you think you think Michael Phelps would beat a real shark? Odds are that as soon as that shark bumped into the wall, he would freak the fuck out and not continue. Hence why there was a simulation. So don’t be mad. Be glad he’s not dead. Oh and be glad that one day you too may have the power to buy his Olympic Gold.
~The Doctah~
Shane McMahon Has Inherited His Father’s Immortality Gene & Survived A Helicopter Crash This Morning
Shane McMahon was involved in a helicopter crash this morning in Long Island. The small helicopter, transporting McMahon and one other person was forced to make a water landing in the waters off Gilgo Beach earlier today. Shane and the other person on board were picked up by the Coast Guard and ferried to safety.
Both people were wearing their life jackets and no one was hurt. Shane was the passenger on the flight. – Top Rope Press
https://twitter.com/EliteDirk/status/887715864191148032
The McMahon family rarely does anything by the book, and while it was always assumed that Vince McMahon had some secret pact with the devil to be immortal, it looks like Shane is carrying on that family legacy as well. We’re glad Shane’s ok, but I can’t imagine a crash landing into the water is any more painful than jumping off Hell in a Cell through a table.
https://twitter.com/shanemcmahon/status/887728986616475650
When he says the man upstairs, he means Shawn Michaels’ tag team partner, right?
-Ryan
Kid Rock Might Be Running For Senate, Because Nothing Matters Anymore
I have had a ton of emails and texts asking me if this website is real… https://t.co/RRVgISDFeq The answer is an absolute YES. pic.twitter.com/uYCUg6mjW1
— KidRock (@KidRock) July 12, 2017
This honestly didn’t shock me. Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, so it’s going to take a little more than Kid Rock running for US Senate to actually shock me. The reason I want to bring this to everyone’s attention is because the Kid Rock for Senate website is a NATIONAL TREASURE. First off, here’s the header image:
I appreciate Kid Rock asking if we’re scared right off the bat, and the answer is yes, I’m petrified that someone like him would wield any true power. Back to the picture. As we talked about on last night’s podcast, this is a picture you could look at for hours and continually find something new to talk about. He’s wearing typical Kid Rock clothes, which consists of a leather shirt/jacket, jeans and some type of terrible hat. I say shirt/jacket because it’s clearly not just a shirt, but it’s also too thin to be a jacket. As you may have already noticed, he’s sitting next to a taxidermy moose.
I was going to try and find some type of symbolism for the moose, but I really just think it’s something he owns that was put there. Under the moose is a picture of George Washington, and above him are old timey looking documents that I’m sure have no relevance whatsoever. He definitely just got those at a yard sale. By far the best part of the picture is the trophy case behind him, clearly showcasing his little league baseball trophies. I don’t know what that has to do with running for senate, but if his slogan turns out to be ‘Make Little League Baseball Great Again’ you know where it all started from.
The current slogans on his site range from ‘In Rock We Trust’ (not bad) to ‘Pimp of the Nation’ (oh God why) and he’s also selling t-shirts, lawn signs, trucker hats and bumper stickers. What I’m saying is you need to go check out his website right now.
-Ryan
Anthony Bourdain Wants You To Know He Did Not Enjoy Baby Driver
Fuck BABY DRIVER.
— Anthony Bourdain (@Bourdain) July 4, 2017
While most of America spent the 4th of July hanging out with family and friends and being grateful for all that they have, Anthony Bourdain was busy leaving three word movie reviews. Both Matt and I have seen Baby Driver, and we obviously have a different opinion than Mr. Bourdain. The worst part about this is that he doesn’t follow up with any more information. It’s just ‘Fuck BABY DRIVER’ and that’s it. I just have so many questions. What didn’t you like about it? Why did you capitalize the words ‘baby driver’? Do you hate people with tinnitus? It’s one thing to not like a movie. That’s the beauty of conversing about different art forms, whether it be TV, movies, music or anything else that people create. It’s another thing to just drop something on Twitter to be an asshole. While Bourdain might’ve started this war, we got the last laugh:
https://twitter.com/MakeMoviesGreat/status/882384972987994113
BURN.
-Ryan
034 Little Derek Diapers, Ryan 2 Thumbs & Mattie Meatballs
Talk to us on twitter – @AverageNobodies || Read our blog – www.averagenobodies.com || Leave us a voicemail – 401-285-8120 || Matt – @MattFromRi
Donald Trump Is Clearly Losing His Mind
President Donald Trump sent out a series of tweets Wednesday morning attacking Democratic Sen. Richard Blumenthal, who had repeatedly criticized the president’s firing of FBI Director James Comey.
“Watching Senator Richard Blumenthal speak of Comey is a joke. ‘Richie’ devised one of the greatest military frauds in U.S. history,” Trump tweeted of the senator from Connecticut. “For years, as a pol in Connecticut, Blumenthal would talk of his great bravery and conquests in Vietnam — except he was never there.
“When caught, he cried like a baby and begged for forgiveness … and now he is judge & jury. He should be the one who is investigated for his acts.”
Blumenthal appeared on CNN on Wednesday morning, saying there was “really a looming constitutional crisis that is deadly serious.”
The senator also was a guest on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” on Wednesday, calling for a special counsel to investigate the Trump campaign’s alleged ties to Russia; Comey had been leading the FBI’s investigation into the matter when he was fired. – Yahoo
Trump’s firing people, tweet-storming & drinking Coca-Cola on command – sounds just like an average somebody.
Oh Mama! This is the Trumpstravaganza and unless you’re white, have white hair, you better not get on his shitty list. 2 Days ago, Trump fired Comey, director of the FBI, and that doesn’t stand for Female Body Inspector. Today, after being the big man on campus, he rose to the “grande” man on campus, when Richard Blumenthal had some sharp words about El Presidente de Trump.
Blumenthal was hit with Trump’s Savage response. Love him or hate him, don’t fuck with him because his words will tear you limb from limb, and when there’s nothing left, he just might get hungry. But Trump, the possible fraud, told Blumenthal that he’s a fraud.
Ladies and Gentlemen, my Nobodies, my Dom Perrignon’s, I wouldn’t criticize the man. I’m waiting for him to pour his can of Coke on someone, and then that possibly may just be Judgement Day. But, until that day my friends, stay fucking classy like Ron Burgandy and make sure you stay off Trump’s Twitter and out of his way, because he just might fire you, and you probably don’t even have a job. Think about that one.
~ The Doctah
Donald Trump’s Obsession With Pictures Has Infected The @Patriots
We all know Donald Trump is obsessed with being right. He’s also obsessed with pictures, which started after his inauguration in January. As you can see in the picture below, Trump’s inauguration was not as well attended as his predecessor’s:
Now you can argue that the picture has been altered and that the sun sets in the East and rises in the West, but let’s just say that the above picture is accurate. Fast forward three months and we have another picture controversy on our hands thanks to the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots visiting Trump at the White House. The Patriots already announced that less players were showing up compared to 2015 but that the overall number of personnel and players would be about the same. Then, this picture happened:
Instead of just letting it go, the official Patriots Twitter account decided to chime in and give their take on the picture, which not only seems unnecessary, but seems like something that was directed by Trump himself:
The Patriots are a team that rarely officially comment on anything, so to have them come out and tweet something like that is odd. Kraft and Trump are butt buddies, and Belichick even wrote Trump a letter during the campaign, so you have to imagine that friendship and Trump’s obsession with being popular has a lot to do with it. Of course, Trump also weighed in on the picture, because he apparently has nothing better to do:
Failing @nytimes, which has been calling me wrong for two years, just got caught in a big lie concerning New England Patriots visit to W.H.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 20, 2017
If you’re looking for some fresh reasons to hate the Patriots, you know have some ammo.
-Ryan
