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Indiana Jones Was Arrested In Upstate New York

INDYThis was Indy’s last crusade.

Indiana Z. Jones, 21, was arrested Sunday after a 100-mph car chase in Yates County in upstate New York.

According to the Elmira Star Gazette, the hot pursuit began in the Rushville, a small village on the county line.

Jones, driving a 2002 Audi A6, tried to flee a traffic stop.

The chase only lasted six minutes, ending about 12 miles away in the Town of Benton when the Yates County Sheriff’s Office threw down “stop sticks,” spiked devices that deflate tires.

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This is one of those headlines that you read and think that the writer or the editor was just in particularly goofy mood when he wrote this story. Then you read the article and realize that 1. this guy REALLY did not want to get arrested and 2. this guy has one of the coolest names of all time. I also need to know what the Z stands for. Zoltan? Zeek? If it’s something as simple as Zack I’m going to so upset. You can’t be named Indiana Jones, engage the police is a 100mph chase and then have Zack as a middle name. It just doesn’t work.

-Ryan

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San Jose PD Used A Robot To Deliver A Pizza To Talk A Man Out Of Killing Himself

Pizza—in all of its deeply-beloved, circular, iconic, cheesy, perfect-in-every-way glory—is the key to (almost) anyone’s heart. We love it, we eat it all the time, we worship its creation, we can’t say no to it. And apparently, that principle applies even when you’re quite literally teetering on the precipice of imminent suicide.

Police are only human. They have their fair share of problems, certainly, but they also share the same needs and desires as the rest of us. Which is why last week, when a man in San Jose, CA was threatening to throw himself from an overpass onto the freeway in a suicidal exhibition, the cops busted out the best idea they could think of: sending a robot to bring the man some pizza. -Munchies.vice.com

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I think an awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize is in order. What progressive thinkers we have over at the San Jose Police Department! We need to take this story and learn from it, build from it, evolve from it. Is Barrack overseas doing peace negotiations with North Korea? Bring a pizza and have Kim Jong Un swooning. Dealing with inner-city gangs? Send a few pies their way and I guarantee they will trade their knives and gats for cheese and peps. As a society we need to realize that the healing powers of the magic circle of dough and sauce is a real thing. So that you all know that I am truly committed to the pizza movement, I will only be eating Papa Johns for the rest of my life.

-Matt

Finally – A Man in Florida I Can Relate To

BEERHow is that not an emergency?

A Florida man has been arrested for repeatedly making false 911 calls complaining that his wife had “thrown out his beer.”

Officers called out to his home in West Palm Beach told an apparently intoxicated Carlos Bueno Mir that the situation really was not an emergency and not call 911 again.

Google Maps Officers responded the first time to his West Palm Beach home, but once he explained the reason for his call they told him to knock it off.

But after they left he phoned again, yelling at an operator that a woman had broken into two of his beers, reports wpbf.com.

Over the course of four hours, he phoned 911 seven times.

The sobering fact is that Bueno Mir now faces charges of misusing the 911 emergency system and making a false complaint.

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I have to side with Mr. Mir here. If somebody threw out my beer I’d want them thrown in jail with out the possibility of parole. Beer cases aren’t attention grabbing headlines but they should be. And what else did the Google Maps Officers really have to do that day? Take a picture of someone’s driveway? They really couldn’t help this poor guy out. He was obviously looking out for the community and didn’t want to drink and drive to get more beers, so he calls the cops for a helping hand and they stone wall him. Unbelievable. It’s not everyday I agree with the action of Floridians, but Carlos Bueno Mir can play on my team any day. I’ll even buy the beer.

– Ryan

 

 

Get That Paper Out of Richard Masten’s Face!

Source March.  18 (UPI) — A former Florida police chief  could be spending two weeks behind bars after he ate a piece of evidence during  a court appearance on Friday instead of letting a judge see it. 

Richard Masten of Miami-Dade Crime Stoppers ate a piece of paper with a tip  that had information about a cocaine possession case instead of handing it over  to Judge Victoria Brennan.

Masten refused to reveal the tip because he wanted to protect his informant’s  identity.

“We promise the people who give us information to solve murders, serious  violent crimes in this community, that they can call with an assurance that they  will remain anonymous and that nothing about them or their information would  ever be compromised,” Masten said. “The case today started creeping into that…  it’s not going to happen on my watch and I understood the consequences.”

Brennan found Masten in contempt of court for swallowing the tip.

“The court would be remiss to turn a blind eye to a flagrant refusal to honor  a court order, and give more value to an individual’s opinion on what is right,  rather than to the dictates of the laws enacted by the people of Florida,”  Brennan wrote in her decision.

If Masten is sentenced to serve time when he heads back to court next week,  he’s ready. “I’ll bring a toothbrush and some pajamas in case I do.”

If you think a couple pieces of a paper and a contempt of court charge are going to turn Richard Masten into a snitch then you got another thing coming. If I ever turn government informant I will only work for Richard Masten. He has everything you’d want in a friend: loyalty, wit (he ate paper in court!) and an insatiable appetite to uphold the law. As a side note, I’ve eaten paper before. The circumstances were not as drastic but I’ve done it. Feels good to get that off my chest.

P.S. FLORIDA!

Of Course There Is a Serial Urinator Terrorizing Women in Florida

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(news4Jax)

Source Have you seen this man? If so, you’re trapped in one of two places: a world  created by  Jim Henson or (much worse) Florida.

The Gainesville Police Department released the above composite drawing (or is  it a Muppets Most Wanted promotional image?) of a man suspected of  urinating on women near the University of Florida campus. Says News4Jax:

In late February and early March, four incidents were reported of a man who  was approaching women from behind and urinating on them. Since the media  coverage of those reports, at least three more victims have come forward to  report the same crime, according to police.

One of the victims was able to give enough information to help police create  a sketch of the urinator.

Police say the “urinating bandit” has been described as “between the ages of  25 and 30, about 6 feet tall with a medium to chunky build.” He was last seen  wearing a hooded sweatshirt and jeans.

 

If I’m being honest right now I’m a little scared. Either the police sketch artist in Gainesville is 8 years old or there is a man who looks like that peeing on women in Florida. I’m also not sure which scenario is worse for the people of Gainesville. How are you going to catch this guy when THAT is the sketch you’re looking for? Oh and he’s in his late 20’s, 6 feet tall, average weight and wears a sweatshirt and jeans? That narrows it down to every guy in the world. For a state that see’s so much crazy shit, you’d think they’d have come up with a better nickname. The “urinating bandit” is too cliché. Also doesn’t a bandit imply he’s stealing something? Seems to me this guy just has poor decision making skills. Don’t make him out to be some type of monster. He’s just an ordinary Floridian going about his day, pee peeing on whatever he wants to.

– Ryan

I Would Like To Personally Apologize To Kanye West

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You were right! You really do have the same dangers as the police and our military. On behalf of me and everyone else that has been tearing you a new asshole, we are truly sorry to have doubted you.

Don’t choke on your cone, dick head.

-Matt

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Hey Kanye, Chief Oliver Isn’t Impressed

– via Facebook

Dear Kanye West,

I am honored to be writing such an important star. I am a mere Internet sensation. I’m not sure I am worthy to address you, although the Huffington Post did say I was “Humorous and Insanely Popular.” I don’t pay much attention to those things. Anyway, please excuse my interference in your life for a quick second.

I read your interview and also watched it on video. You said:
“I’m just giving of my body on the stage and putting my life at risk, literally.….and I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like, wow, this is like being a police officer or something, in war or something.”

I want to thank you for putting your life on the line for all of us every day. I know that being a rapper is tough work. I have tried to rap, and it is very difficult to keep up with the pulse of the rhyme flow…although when Ice Ice Baby comes on the radio, I can usually keep up with ol’ Vanilla. Anywho, your job is just some very dangerous work. Most people don’t consider… if you rap really fast, without a chance to inhale, you could pass out and hit your head.

That last paragraph was covered in sarcasm. I’m letting you know, just so you do not think I agree with your very ignorant assessment of your career (or any other performer)as it relates to a person in the military or a police officer’s service. You sir, are as misguided as they come. I do have a suggestion for you. Since you are accustomed to danger, from your life as an international rapper, I am strongly encouraging you immediately abandon you career as a super star and join the military. After joining, I would like you to volunteer to be deployed in Afghanistan or one of the numerous other forward locations where our men an women are currently serving. When the Taliban starts shooting at you, perhaps you could stand up and let the words flow. It could be something like “I’m Kanye West, wearing a flak vest.” I’m sure they would just drop weapons and surrender. You could quite possibly end all wars, just from the enemy being star-struck.

Your line of thinking is part of the problem in the world today….which include entertainers thinking they are something more than just entertainers. I know it is supply and demand and the demand for your services is high. I get economics. What I do not get is you EVER comparing what you do for a living to our heroic military members, who are always in harm’s way… and my brother and sister police officers who have to go to work carrying weapons and wearing a bullet-proof vest to protect themselves.

Check yourself, before you wreck yourself….Chief Oliver.

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Hey Kanye, Chief Oliver isn’t impressed with your interview. But the world is impressed with you, Chief Oliver. Because this is the best thing I’ve ever read. Ever. I’m not sure anything else comes close. I might move to Brimfield, Ohio and steal a car just so I meet the Chief. There are so many great parts to this post. Chief Oliver might not be able to rap like you Kanye, but he can sing along to Ol’ Vanilla with the best of them. I’m glad the Chief gets serious towards the end, because he’s absolutely right. Celebrities are surrounded by so many “yes men/women” that they really think they’re the most important people in the world. Here’s a reality check: we watch your movies, or listen to your songs because you’re talented enough to be the very best at what you do. That’s it. You put on a front for a living. And you’re very good at it. No more, no less. When people like Kanye think they’re more essential to this Earth than someone like Chief Oliver, or any military serviceman or servicewoman, that’s when we have to take a step back and really think about who we choose as our heroes. Kanye West is not a hero. He’s a guy who just so happens to sing some songs. In the words of the almighty Chief: check yourself, before you wreck yourself, Kanye.

– Ryan

Kanye West Reminds Us That HE, and Only HE, Can Be Considered the World’s Biggest Asshole

Source – Kanye West says performing on his Yeezus tour  is similar to going to war.

The 36-year-old claimed in a recent interview  that he is risking his life onstage and compared his musical antics to that of a  police officer or soldier.

The rapper explained that he could ‘slip’  during one of his complex routines on stage and that he is putting his ‘life at  risk, literally’.

The All Of The Lights singer told SaturdayNightOnline.com: ‘Like, I’m just giving of my body  on the stage.

I’m putting my life at risk,  literally!’

Kanye went on to explain: ‘When I think about  when I’m on the Can’t Tell Me Nothing, and Coldest Winter moment, like that mountain goes really, really high.

For the full interview, click here

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Nobody, and I mean nobody, loves Kanye West more than Kanye West. I can honestly say I’ve never heard someone ramble like Kanye. He’s the only person who can talk about finances, elephants and slaves in the same sentence. He’s great like Michelangelo AND Walt Disney. Interesting combination. The icing on the cake was obviously Kanye comparing his concert performances to being a police officer or a soldier in war. I wish I could say I was surprised by this, but every time you doubt Kanye, he proves just how big of an asshole he really can be. Hey Kanye: Walt Disney is dead. You can’t work with him. Get over it.

– Ryan

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