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The Mark of a True Professional? Knee Some Kid in the Nuts and Keep Reporting

Textbook reporting here by Jim Cantore right here. College kids beware, if you run into Jim Cantore’s shot he’s going to go knee-to-dick, that’s a fact. Besides not flinching and finishing his report I have to give Jim some extra props because using your knee is some good old fashion fighting. No shovels, no scooters, just some good flesh to flesh battling. Did anyone go check on that kid? He might be passed out somewhere and slowly bleeding out from the inside.

-Matt

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I Would Like To Personally Apologize To Kanye West

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You were right! You really do have the same dangers as the police and our military. On behalf of me and everyone else that has been tearing you a new asshole, we are truly sorry to have doubted you.

Don’t choke on your cone, dick head.

-Matt

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Anthony Weiner, Cornering The Market In Awesome Aliases

mayor-anthony-weiner-it-could-happenIt was bound to happen sooner or later: An anonymous woman has claimed to the Arizona-based gossip and nudies site The Dirty that she carried on an explicit online affair with mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner — after he was busted and forced to resign from Congress for the exact same thing. “She was lured by Anthony Weiner post scandal via Facebook,” wrote the site’s editor Nik Ritchie yesterday. “They had a relationship for 6 months and she believed they were in love … The relationship consisted of Anthony Weiner and Anonymous sending sexually explicit pictures of each other and having sexual conversations via phone. The best part was Anthony used an alias this time thinking this would protect him. Anthony Weiner used the name ‘Carlos Danger’ when he would email pictures of his penis via Yahoo.” -NYMag.com

Anthony Weiner is at it again, but hold on one HOT SECOND. Carlos Danger? Really. That’s the name you’re going with? All this time I thought Anthony Weiner was just a dick pic machine, but now I know for sure……that he is also a genius! What an Alias! I wish I had gotten to it sooner. Back in the day, when you tried to impress all your friends with clever AIM names, this one would have killed it! All the girlies would have been crawling all over my AIM profile.

Ok, so Weiner not only gets right back on the sexting express (NSFW) but his defense is totally weak. “I said that other texts and photos were likely to come out, and today they have.”  That’s all you got, Weiner? I’ll remember that next time I go on a dick pic killing spree, or any other other crime wave. “I told you, officer, that I might rob another liquor store, and today I have. That”s all on you.” Not exactly somehting that will stand up in court. At least not in Rhode Island….cough cough….i’m looking at you Florida.

-MattyV

PS- This is isn’t the last time we will hear about Anthony Weiner’s Dick. Mark my words.

PSS- This is what I imagine Carlos Danger looks like (Via Twitter)

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Grab Your Wiener? Use This Cleaner!

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Oh boy, do I know someone who could use this. But don’t we all? That one friend who spends 99.9% of the day with a hand(s) down their pants?  If you don’t know what i’m talking about, take a look down, because you’re that friend.

-MattyV

Photo Cred: Peter Hanney

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