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San Jose PD Used A Robot To Deliver A Pizza To Talk A Man Out Of Killing Himself

Pizza—in all of its deeply-beloved, circular, iconic, cheesy, perfect-in-every-way glory—is the key to (almost) anyone’s heart. We love it, we eat it all the time, we worship its creation, we can’t say no to it. And apparently, that principle applies even when you’re quite literally teetering on the precipice of imminent suicide.

Police are only human. They have their fair share of problems, certainly, but they also share the same needs and desires as the rest of us. Which is why last week, when a man in San Jose, CA was threatening to throw himself from an overpass onto the freeway in a suicidal exhibition, the cops busted out the best idea they could think of: sending a robot to bring the man some pizza. -Munchies.vice.com

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I think an awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize is in order. What progressive thinkers we have over at the San Jose Police Department! We need to take this story and learn from it, build from it, evolve from it. Is Barrack overseas doing peace negotiations with North Korea? Bring a pizza and have Kim Jong Un swooning. Dealing with inner-city gangs? Send a few pies their way and I guarantee they will trade their knives and gats for cheese and peps. As a society we need to realize that the healing powers of the magic circle of dough and sauce is a real thing. So that you all know that I am truly committed to the pizza movement, I will only be eating Papa Johns for the rest of my life.

-Matt

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I Think Working in a Chinese Factory Takes the Cake for Worst Job on the Planet

Source – Chinese zoo keepers managed to save the life of a mentally disturbed man after he announced he wanted to improve the lives of caged tigers at a local zoo by offering them his own body to eat.

Yang Jinhai, 27, had posted several online messages about how optimistic he was about starting a new life after getting a job as a security guard in Chengdu in southwest China’s Sichuan province.

But he quickly found the job boring and monotonous and moved instead to a job in a printing factory where he also then resigned, saying that he felt there was more to life.

 

How bad is working at a printing factory in China? It must be the worst thing in the world because I can’t think of any other reason for a human being to hang out in a tiger cage and wait to get mauled to death. That’s a pretty shitty way to go. I never put “mauled to death by tigers” on my list of the worst ways to die because that thought never even entered my mind. Drowning and getting set on fire are definitely day ruiners, but willingly sacrificing yourself to the tiger Gods is on another level. And any job that drives its employees to do this has to be the worst job on the face of the Earth.

– Ryan

*BREAKING* Richie Incognito Has A Message For Jon Martin “The Truth Will Bury You…”

Jon Martin is a piece of trash. Get over it man, Richie has had enough of your cry baby nonsense. This is the NFL, not high school. Liking the heat on that last tweet, Richie. Things you said in private to him were aired. Eye for an eye.

-Matt

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