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If You’re An AT&T Truck Working In Florida, Prepare To Have Your Tires Shot Out

Oh sweet, sweet Florida, you never cease to amaze me. What an unreal reaction to AT&T doing service in your neighborhood. Knowing this happened in Florida, I guarantee this guy saw the trucks and his first reaction was to grab his gun and shoot out the tires. Rationale just does not exist in the Sunshine State. Again, this is in Florida, and it turns out the guy who shot up the trucks is a retired firefighter, meaning he probably had nowhere to go that day. Did he have something so pressing to do that he had to pull out his Civil War era gun and start shooting up trucks? There’s a 100% chance the answer to that is no. But when you live in Florida, you think of what the most logical reaction to a situation would be and then do the exact opposite.

-Ryan

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If I Told You A Man Was Banned From Ordering Pizzas, What State Would You Guess He’s From

FLORIDAWhat would you have to do for a judge to issue a ban on you ever ordering pizza? Randy Riddle of Sebastian was charged with four counts of harassing phone calls, two counts of first-degree petty theft and one count of second-degree petty theft, after he allegedly making multiple harassing calls to two pizza restaurants. A police investigation states Riddle made orders and refused to pay for them, directed delivery people to fake or vacant addresses, and made calls to the businesses just to tell them their pizza was gross. Over a three week period, Riddle used five different phone numbers, false names and even refusing to give his name at times. He also made repeated calls to Sebastian police, Sebastian City Hall and the state Department of Health to complain about the restaurants. Riddle made bail with the strict instruction from an Indian River County judge to not call the businesses for delivery. This isn’t the first time Riddle has been accused of making harassing phone calls, he was convicted for the same crime 8 years ago when he lived in Vero Beach, police said.

Cooking Dog

The dog chef GIF doesn’t have anything to do with the article, but I stumbled upon it and I had to use it. I’m not a monster. Anyway, Florida – you sweet, sweet bitch. I heard this story on the radio this morning and didn’t hear the part about where the guy was from, but I should’ve known it was Florida. Only someone from Florida would continually harass a pizza joint, of all places, until the police were forced to intervene and not only arrest him, but ban him from ordering pizzas. I’m not going to lie, that sentence might be worse than death. I don’t order pizzas all the time, but knowing you have that option in your back pocket can be a life saver sometimes. Taking that away from me is basically taking away one of my constitutional rights and turning me into a savage. The best (?) part is that this isn’t the first time he’s done this. He is a habitual pizza place harasser. I don’t know how you land on that as an obsession, but I think we should keep an eye on this guy. If he can’t harass pizza parlors, there’s no telling what he’ll end up doing with all that spare time.

-Ryan

Saltwater Brewery Has Created Eco Friendly Six Pack Beer Rings That Are Safe For Marine Life

The future is here, and it’s arrived in the form of six-pack rings that are safe for marine life. Florida’s Saltwater Brewery created the rings, which are made of barley and wheat remnants from brewing, and are completely safe for fish to nibble on. (And humans, too!)

Standard rings, made of plastic, are no bueno for sea critters. According to the Ocean Conservancy’s 2015 Ocean Trash Index, plastic was the most common item of trash ingested by sea turtles in 2015. And it’s not just sea turtles: 57 marine mammals, 440 fish and 22 sharks, skates and sting rays were found entangled in plastic by the 561,895 volunteers that picked up 16,186,759 pounds of trash for the study.

And the plastic problem isn’t just because of dirty, rotten litterers: plastic rings are easily picked up from open trash cans and blown away by the wind. If that plastic ends up in a storm drain, it will eventually get to the ocean. – UPROXX

Florida has given us a lot of crazy things over the years: leprosy infected armadillos, LSD steaks and mayors who refuse to give out directions. But now it seems like we have something to celebrate out of the Sunshine State, as Saltwater Brewery, based out of Florida, has created six-pack beer rings that are eco friendly. As seen in the video and article linked above, the rings are made out of barley and wheat remnants, so if they happen to reach the ocean (spoiler alert: a lot of them do) they won’t harm marine life. Being a lifelong Rhode Islander with the beautiful Atlantic ocean only a 30 minute drive away, it’s awful to look at some of the pollution stats that are coming out. This isn’t the final solution to water pollution, but it’s a big step in the right direction. If Saltwater Brewery can get some of the bigger beer chains to join them, we’d be looking at much cleaner oceans in the near future. To read more, check out http://www.saltwaterbrewery.com/community-swb/.

-Ryan

Insane Person Donald Trump Yelled At A Microphone During Last Night’s Rally In Florida

Donald Trump held a rally last night in Florida, and midway through decided to start yelling at a microphone and the guy who installed it. The only silver lining here is at least he’s not running for the most powerful position in the world. Wait, he is? And people are following him? Excellent. I refuse to get political here or any place else, because it’s like arguing with a brick wall that can talk back, but Donald Trump is insane. Whenever you verbally assault an inanimate object, such as a microphone or a sound system, you know something’s wrong. But people keep showing up to these rally’s, so he must be doing something right. And by doing something right, I mean the majority of human beings are horrible people.

-Ryan

Florida News Anchor John Brown Is Fed Up With The Kardashians

I don’t know if this is the sign of the apocalypse or not, but a resident of Florida actually had a realistic reaction to a real life situation. John Brown isn’t the anchor we deserve, but he is the anchor we need. If more news anchors around the country would just walk out every time a Kardashian was featured on a news story, we’d have a much better society. If you want to play an ad for their TV show talk about Kim and Kanye’s baby that’s one thing, but is Kylie Jenner naming her pet rabbit ‘Bruce’ really a news story? The answer is no, it is not. I can’t imagine there are more than three people interested in that story. But here’s a TV show giving it it’s own segment, because one of the people involved just so happen to have the last name Kardashian or Jenner. Insanity.

-Ryan

As If It Couldn’t Get Any Stranger, Florida Now Has Leprosy Infected Armadillos

GOODFlorida health and wildlife experts are warning residents to steer clear of armadillos in light of a reported spike in cases of leprosy.

So far this year, nine cases have been reported in Florida, according to the state Department of Health. Between two and 12 cases are reported each year, an agency spokesman told WTLV on Tuesday.

“Hansen’s disease, formerly known as leprosy, is caused by Mycobacterium leprae bacteria,” which has also been found in nine-banded armadillos, deputy press secretary Brad Dalton said in a email.

Just when you think Florida is starting to settle down, leprosy infected armadillos are roaming around, and people are apparently approaching them? Of all the animals that look pet-table, armadillos are shockingly low on the list. If I saw an armadillo, the last thing I’d probably want to do is pet it. As surprising as this is, that it’s happening in Florida is the least surprising part of all of it. If you said to me ‘leprosy armadillos’ I’d immediately say that has to be happening in Florida. It’s reputation precedes itself, and I’m glad to see that it’s still as insane as ever.

– Ryan

There Is Currently A Hamburger Assault Epidemic In Florida Right Now

FloridaDuring an argument over infidelity, a Florida woman threw a hamburger at her boyfriend, striking him in the eye and landing her in jail.

According to cops, Rykihia Moore and Mario Thornton were bickering Saturday evening over Moore reportedly “being unfaithful.”

In the midst of the verbal beef inside a Clearwater home, the 27-year-old Moore “took a hamburger” and threw it at Thornton, her beau of 12 months. The burger, a criminal complaint alleges, struck Thornton in the eye.

Florida, AgainA man accused of hitting his dad with a McDonald’s bag with hamburgers in it likely wasn’t lovin’ it when deputies tossed him in the Indian River County Jail, according to an arrest affidavit.

Tanner Wolf, 19, was jailed May 24 on a misdemeanor charge after the hamburger hullabaloo in Vero Beach.

Wolf’s father told Indian River County Sheriff’s investigators that Wolf has been causing problems. He “is using marijuana and out of his mind,” the affidavit states.

Wolf’s father said he asked his son to get his feet off the kitchen counters. He said his son grew upset and began cursing at him.

That’s when Wolf is accused of lobbing the McDonald’s bag with burgers in it, striking his dad.

wtfih

We haven’t heard from Florida in awhile, so it only makes sense for them to come back with a bang. While the 99.9% of the world is busy eating hamburgers, Florida is busy assaulting people with them. My only question is this is kind of a stretch for assault. How injured can someone be from a flying hamburger, especially from McDonald’s. McDonald’s hamburgers weigh like half a pound. They’re not even made of real meat. It’s basically like throwing a half pound piece of rubber at someone. But when you’re talking about Florida, you have to expect the unexpected. Multiple hamburger assault crimes might be the definition of unexpected.

– Ryan

Dante Fowler Jr. Hasn’t Played A Game In The NFL Yet But His Outfit Last Night Was All Time

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Dante Fowler Jr. just became my new favorite player. I might even get a Jaguars jersey just to support him. He was a dominant defensive force in a tough conference at Florida, and he’s doesn’t turn 21 until August, which makes me so god damn sad. While getting drafted by the Jaguars isn’t exactly winning the professional lottery, the Jags are in much better shape than they’ve been in years past. They have a young QB willing to learn who just got a mega weapon (if he can stay healthy) in Julius Thomas. Now they have a bonafide future stud in Fowler, who got progressively better each year at Florida, and again, he doesn’t turn 21 until August! All of that is nothing compared to the outfit Fowler wore last night, though. I love an athlete who isn’t afraid to show some personality, and that’s exactly what Fowler did last night. Look at those shoes! Gold shoes with spikes on them that make it look like he’s wearing a Stegosaurus’s back on his feet. The white suit is always a good look, too. Some people might call it outrageous, but I like Dante’s style. Watch out for those Jaguars this year. The animal and the team.

– Ryan

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