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KFC’s Newest Chicken Creation is Not Going Over Well in England

Paper towel chickenA mother in Newcastle, England was horrified when her stepson bit into a deep-fried blue paper towel, the Mirror reported last week.

Krystal Henderson, 29, and 7-year-old Oliver Hallam purchased takeout from a KFC branch in Killingsworth, according to the Express. At home, Oliver took a bite out of what he assumed was chicken, but recoiled seconds later.

“He pulled it out of his mouth and when he did, it pulled away the batter – you could see the blue roll inside,” Henderson said, according to the Daily Mail.

Henderson said that realizing Oliver had bitten into a paper towel was worse than if it had just been bad chicken.

“If it was bad chicken they might have just had a bad batch or something,” she said. “But the blue roll could have been used for anything – it could have bleach or disinfectant on it … Had someone wiped their hands on it, had it been used to wipe the floor?”

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Nothing like a fried piece of paper towel to ruin your entire life. How does this even happen? I feel like you really have to go out of your way to fry a paper piece towel instead of a piece of chicken. They are two very different things. This might’ve happened in England but now it’s making me look at KFC completely different. A KFC in my hometown just closed down after being there for a long time. At first I thought it just a drop in sales, but now that this story leaked, I have a funny feeling it had something to do with paper towel chicken. Have we ruled out a global sabotage effort from Taco Bell? Taco Bell spies around the world infiltrating KFC and stuffing their famous fried chicken with used paper towel? Let’s just say it if comes out that that’s happening you should remember where you heard it first. And for the time being, maybe everyone should stick to the cornbread and potato wedges at KFC.

– Ryan

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Get That Paper Out of Richard Masten’s Face!

Source March.  18 (UPI) — A former Florida police chief  could be spending two weeks behind bars after he ate a piece of evidence during  a court appearance on Friday instead of letting a judge see it. 

Richard Masten of Miami-Dade Crime Stoppers ate a piece of paper with a tip  that had information about a cocaine possession case instead of handing it over  to Judge Victoria Brennan.

Masten refused to reveal the tip because he wanted to protect his informant’s  identity.

“We promise the people who give us information to solve murders, serious  violent crimes in this community, that they can call with an assurance that they  will remain anonymous and that nothing about them or their information would  ever be compromised,” Masten said. “The case today started creeping into that…  it’s not going to happen on my watch and I understood the consequences.”

Brennan found Masten in contempt of court for swallowing the tip.

“The court would be remiss to turn a blind eye to a flagrant refusal to honor  a court order, and give more value to an individual’s opinion on what is right,  rather than to the dictates of the laws enacted by the people of Florida,”  Brennan wrote in her decision.

If Masten is sentenced to serve time when he heads back to court next week,  he’s ready. “I’ll bring a toothbrush and some pajamas in case I do.”

If you think a couple pieces of a paper and a contempt of court charge are going to turn Richard Masten into a snitch then you got another thing coming. If I ever turn government informant I will only work for Richard Masten. He has everything you’d want in a friend: loyalty, wit (he ate paper in court!) and an insatiable appetite to uphold the law. As a side note, I’ve eaten paper before. The circumstances were not as drastic but I’ve done it. Feels good to get that off my chest.

P.S. FLORIDA!

I Wish Shia LaBeouf Would Just Go Away

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For someone who keeps saying he doesn’t want to be famous anymore, Shia LaBeouf sure does draw a lot of attention to himself. If you don’t want to be famous then just stop showing up to movie premiers. Or show up and blend into the background. Pretty much do anything except wear a paper bag over your head that says “I am not famous anymore”. I was a big Shia fan, but now he’s just getting annoying. Either make movies and count your money or leave everyone alone. If I may quote your most famous movie, Shia, if you don’t like that, well, that’s too damn bad!

– Ryan

The Broncos Running Backs Played “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to See Who Would Get to Punch It In The End Zone

According to Bleacher Report Ronnie Hillman, Knowshon Moreno and Montee Ball gathered on the sidelines while waiting for a referee’s decision and played the childhood school yard (and dodge beer) game, rock, paper, scissors. As a fantasy owner I am outraged! But, as a huge fan of the NFL I am pleased to see a moment of lighthearted and innocent play. Put aside the massive amounts of fines being dished out every week and just enjoy the sport for moments like this.

-MattyV

PS- Hillman won with scissors after Moreno threw rock early (and was disqualified) and Ball thew paper.

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