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Robert Wallace is Trying His Hardest to Become The Stupidest Man in America

HoustonRobert Wallace is mad: He gave his heart, soul and Harry Potter DVD collection to a Houston stripper.

Now he can’t even get back the Potter films.

Wallace, a Houston-based software developer, thought he was in a “dating relationship” with exotic dancer Nomi Mims. He loaned her $2,000, a laptop and his precious collection of movies based on the J.K. Rowling books, KRIV-TV reports.

When the alleged relationship ended May 3, Wallace hoped Mims would return the items. She hasn’t so now he says he’s suing her to get the money, laptop and Harry Potter DVDs.

Fat chance, according to Mims. She says she never dated Wallace and that the items were gifts he gave to her.

“I don’t believe in loans because I don’t want to pay anybody back,” she said, according to RawStory.com. “I’ve given him gifts too. You know, how do I get my booty and boobs back?”

Although Wallace claims the two were intimate and “building a life together,” Mims says they were never more than friends.

She concedes that it is unfortunate that she may have given him the wrong impression, MyFoxPhilly.com reports.

Still, she is shocked that Wallace has filed suit.

“I’ve heard of strippers suing customers, but never of customers suing strippers,” Mims said.

Mims admits he’s not surprised what happened and says, as a result, he’s decided not to date strippers.

Come on, Robert. The stripper customer relationship is one of the oldest, most basic relationships in human history. You pay a naked girl money and she dances and does things for you. That’s where it starts, and that’s where it ends. If you want to throw some Harry Potter movies in there, go ahead and have yourself a day. But don’t file a lawsuit trying to get your stuff back. Now you’re just embarrassing yourself. I don’t even know you and I’m embarrassed for you. The only thing worse than thinking you’re in a relationship with a stripper is suing her for your money back once that “relationship” is over. Chalk it up as a loss, move to a different city, buy another copy of Harry Potter and start “dating” another stripper. That’s the only cure.

– Ryan

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If You Could Switch Places With Anyone in the World Right Now, Wouldn’t It Have to Be Prince Harry?

SourceIt is only days since Prince Harry broke up with his long-term girlfriend Cressida Bonas, but a strip club in Memphis is hoping he will be ready to try to get over the heartbreak by paying them a visit.

The newly single 29-year-old is due to arrive in the Tennessee city where he will attend a society wedding this weekend.

As residents get ready to try to spot the prince during his trip, one of the city’s strip clubs has put up a large sign that says ‘Welcome Prince Harry’.

SourcePrince Harry partied it up in Miami Beach this week.

The British royal was in town Wednesday for his friend and British club owner Guy Pelly’s bachelor party.

The group of friends first enjoyed dinner at Hakkasan and reportedly stayed until close to enjoy cocktails, tea and coffee. They then hit up LIV nightclub at the Fontainebleau.

Both Harry and Prince William will be ushers at Pelly’s wedding to Holiday Inn heiress Lizzy Wilson on May 3. The couple will be married in Memphis, Tenn.

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Decent week. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings and saw Spiderman 2 but I guess partying at Liv in Miami and getting the hero’s welcome from a stripclub is pretty fantastic too. When the “who would you want to switch places with” conversation comes up the same names are always mentioned: Leo, Clooney, Timberlake, Mayer. But what about Prince Harry? He’s younger than all of them. Also, he’s a PRINCE. A real life, badass prince. He was in the Royal Air Force which just sounds incredible. Throw in the fact that girls dig the British accent and you have yourself a bonafide member of the “who would I rather be” club. Now that he smartened up and is living the single life, the sky is really the limit for him. If he’s a halfway decent guy, he can get into any club, stadium or attraction in the entire world. The best part? He has an older brother, which equals zero responsibility. I’ve always been under the impression that unelss you’re the King or next in line, you can basically do whatever you want. Vegas today, Miami tomorrow. Memphis the next day because apparently people get married in Memphis. All I know is once your name is on the marquee at The Pony, you’ve made it.

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– Ryan

Harry Carey & The Lumineers Sing “Ho Hey”

Have a great weekend everybody.

Monster Blog – Royal Baby Name Central

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! This royal baby nonsense has gone on far enough, and it’s time for the Average Nobodies to put our classy touch on the birth of the century.  Here’s what we know, the baby is a boy…and that’s about it.  So here are our top names we think Kate and Will should consider naming their little bundle of joy.

Prince Indiana Jones of Cambridge

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Right out the gate this kid is going to be a stud, I can feel it.  I mean come on, look at his mom, dad,  aunt, and uncle.  This royal offspring is swimming in good genes, i actually haven’t seen this good a gene pool since the Mannings and the Baldwins.  To complement this kids deadly charm he needs to have a dynamite name.  Prince Indy will be all the rage 20-something years from now.  Named after one of the greatest humans to ever live, Prince Indiana will pick off where Harrison Ford left off, kicking ass and discovering ancient artifacts.  Not to mention he will have good ‘ol Uncle Harry to come along on all of his adventures.

-MattyV

PS- Or we could go with Charlie Daniel’s suggestion

Captain Jacob Van Loon of Cambridge

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I like to picture the royal baby as a infant super villain. From day one he’s a terror for both William and Kate. He refuses to be another pawn in their royal power game, and at age 18, he runs away from home. No one hears from Captain Jacob until a few years later, when he battles his father for the title of undisputed ruler of England. Of course the English version of a power struggle will probably be a fencing match or who can eat the most crumpets in one sitting. Either way, Captain Jacob is going to be one bad ass baby.

P.S. I know the baby’s official title will be prince, but no self respecting villain can call themself a prince. Plus, if Jacob and William are ever on a boat, Jacob will be in charge. There is no higher authority on a boat then a captain.

– Ryan

It’s A Boy…

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..ok, are we done with this shit yet?

-MattyV

PS- I can finally sleep at night

Some Tweets About it…

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