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The Doctah Diaries: R. Kelly Is Apparently Holding Aspiring Female Musicians Hostage

Before we begin, let’s all hope Dave Chappelle is hard at work on a new R. Kelly scandal song. I’m thinking ‘I’ll Never Let You Fly (The Hostage Song)’ to the beat of ‘ I Believe I Can Fly.

And now, back to the drama.

It has been a longggggggggggggg while since we heard from R&B singer, R. Kelly, and I think I know why.

Kelly has been pleasantly, or unpleasantly, keeping women in a cult.

Couple of things on my mind here before we continue about Mr Kelly

  1. I didn’t know that cults provided food, shelter, and clothing. I thought they only provided Kool-Aid
  2. What’s stopping women from leaving Mr. Kelly if they live in Chicago and Atlanta?  It’s not like they are next door neighbors

But, that’s neither here nor there …

Here’s an excerpt from the article:

Three former members of Kelly’s inner circle—Cheryl Mack, Kitti Jones, and Asante McGee— provided details supporting the parents’ worst fears. They said six women live in properties rented by Kelly in Chicago and the Atlanta suburbs, and he controls every aspect of their lives: dictating what they eat, how they dress, when they bathe, when they sleep, and how they engage in sexual encounters that he records. – Vice

First of all, keywords here are RENT, PARENTS, SEXUAL.  I’ll explain why.

  1. Kelly is renting.  I guess “I Believe I Can Fly” didn’t make enough royalties to buy a home?  Can’t you leave rent agreements freely by calling the police?  What ever happened to that idea?  “Hi Officer, I’m being detained against my will because I won’t pay the rent, will you come arrest somebody.”  Try that.
  2. Parents normally fear for their children’s lives.  Understandable.  However, they don’t go to the press – they go to the cops.  This is why I believe this is just terrible PR management and R. Kelly is just trying to make a comeback, and his publicist was just like “hey Rob, let’s run with the sex thing, tell your [expletives] they each get 50k.”.
  3. Let’s see.  How about if he’s really being a dick, you can technically bite his tallywacker right off and claim temporary insanity, domestic abuse, and self defense all in one defense and BAM you’ll be that girl, but you’ll be … how do you say it … FREE

The truth is, this R. Kelly mess is just a big made up scam by his publicist in a desperate attempt to free R. Kelly’s soul.

On the other hand, let’s talk about the happy days when you didn’t know R. Kelly liked to perform golden showers and make females hang out with him against their will. Remember little Michael Jordan’s dad saying “And when you’re all done with that … I suppose … youre gonna fly, huh?” and Jordan dunking the ball? Oh the times, they have changed. But now you know where all that Space Jam money went, and obviously it’s not enough for Mr. Kelly because he can’t purchase a damn mansion and store his collective females there.

Oh, Lord, this has been one hell of a day.  I need a ZIMA.  Google it.

Stay Classy my Nobodies.  Until we meet again.

~The Doctah~

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Kid Rock Might Be Running For Senate, Because Nothing Matters Anymore

This honestly didn’t shock me. Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, so it’s going to take a little more than Kid Rock running for US Senate to actually shock me. The reason I want to bring this to everyone’s attention is because the Kid Rock for Senate website is a NATIONAL TREASURE. First off, here’s the header image:

I appreciate Kid Rock asking if we’re scared right off the bat, and the answer is yes, I’m petrified that someone like him would wield any true power. Back to the picture. As we talked about on last night’s podcast, this is a picture you could look at for hours and continually find something new to talk about. He’s wearing typical Kid Rock clothes, which consists of a leather shirt/jacket, jeans and some type of terrible hat. I say shirt/jacket because it’s clearly not just a shirt, but it’s also too thin to be a jacket. As you may have already noticed, he’s sitting next to a taxidermy moose.

I was going to try and find some type of symbolism for the moose, but I really just think it’s something he owns that was put there. Under the moose is a picture of George Washington, and above him are old timey looking documents that I’m sure have no relevance whatsoever. He definitely just got those at a yard sale. By far the best part of the picture is the trophy case behind him, clearly showcasing his little league baseball trophies. I don’t know what that has to do with running for senate, but if his slogan turns out to be ‘Make Little League Baseball Great Again’ you know where it all started from.

The current slogans on his site range from ‘In Rock We Trust’ (not bad) to ‘Pimp of the Nation’ (oh God why) and he’s also selling t-shirts, lawn signs, trucker hats and bumper stickers. What I’m saying is you need to go check out his website right now.

-Ryan

#MusicMonday: Jerry Lee Lewis – Great Balls Of Fire

During the build to the pay per view and throughout last night’s 3 hour show, I’ve probably heard Great Balls Of Fire 100 times. That is too many times. In the hopes that I never hear it again, I’m sending it off as our latest Music Monday entry. Also, if you thought that the comments section would be normal for a song with ‘balls’ in it, you would be very, very wrong:

-Ryan

Music Monday: John Mayer – In The Blood

John Mayer released his newest album The Search For Everything last month and a few of the singles are slowly making their way to XM Radio. It’s tough to not like John Mayer’s music. That’d be like saying you hate baby animals. It’s better to just kick and smile and enjoy them. Warm weather and John Mayer’s angelic voice are what summer’s are all about.

-Ryan

Music Monday: The 1975 – Loving Someone

I’m a huge fan of the Alt Nation station on XM radio, and The 1975 have been dominating those airwaves recently. They announced a new album entitled Music for Cars that will come out in 2018 however I’m more interested in the songs we can listen to now. That includes Loving Someone, one of my favorite songs off their 2016 album I Like It When You Sleep, for You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware of It. Don’t ever accuse The 1975 of not putting an absurd amount of thought into their album titles.

-Ryan

Music Monday: The Head and the Heart – Rhythm & Blues

The Head and the Heart are quickly turning into one of my favorite bands, and their newest release to gain some radio exposure is Rhythm & Blues. I love the sound of this band, and while this is a little more upbeat than my favorite song by them (Rivers & Roads) it’s still jammable (suck it, Oxford Dictionary).

-Ryan

Music Monday: Leon Bridges – River

My newest (healthy) obsession is the soulful voice of Leon Rivers, and if you enjoy this type of music I strongly urge you to buy, download or pilfer his album Coming Home. My favorite song off that album is River, and I defy you to listen to it less than 1,000 times. As beautiful as music gets.

-Ryan

In The Least Shocking News Ever, Pitbull & Flo Rida Will Be Performing at #WrestleMania 33

The WWE loves using Flo Rida for their WrestleMania themes, and it’s tough to blame them. He’s pretty great at producing songs that fit perfectly into the exciting, upbeat mood that WWE loves to promote this time of year. Now that he’s performing at WM 33, it’ll be the third time in the last six Mania’s that he’s sang a song that’s been used to promote the big event. Wild Ones and Good Feeling were used during the build to WM 28 while I heard My House approximately 40 million times during the Road to WrestleMania last year. He’s also back this year, and he’s bringing his friend Mr. Worldwide, Pitbull to sing Greenlight. Honestly, as long as we keep Cee Lo Green as far away from a wrestling event as humanly possible, I think we’ll be just fine.

-Ryan

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