Average New Year Resolutions – 2016 Edition
Last year we debuted our new year resolutions blog and right now, in 2016, we are back with the second installment. Without further adieu, here is our update from last year’s resolutions and our new ones for 2016.
2015 Resolution: Do more cartwheels
2016 Resolution: Watch more movies starring Nick Cage
2015 was the year of the cartwheel. I did cartwheels wherever I could (including someplaces I shouldn’t have) and whenever I wanted (most of the time I was a wee bit [blackout] drunk). I feel good about my cartwheeling shenanigans from 2015 so much that I am ready to move on to an even more important resolution, watch more Nick Cage.
Why, you ask? It’s simple. Say you’re in the mood to watch a movie, but you’re not sure which genre you’re feeling. We’ve all been there, a Netflix library full of flicks and nothing to watch. Ah, but there’s a solution. That solution is Nick Cage’s IMDB page. There you can find the movie that you so crave. Feeling the need for speed? Check out Gone in Sixty Seconds. Is a RomCom more your speed? Check out The Family Man. Feeling up for an adventure? The National Treasure movies or The Rock is sure to calm that twitch in your neck.
2015 Resolution: Drink more pickle juice
2016 Resolution: Hold more babies
“Every different nation, Spanish, Hatian, Indian, Jamaican, Black, White, Cuban, and Asian.” Yes, those are the lyrics to ‘Miami’ by Will Smith and yes, that is my New Years Resolution. I don’t care what color or race a baby is, I want to hold it in 2016. I recently became an uncle, and the pure joy that babies bring to every environment is unrivaled. Unless you’re sitting next to a random crying one on a plane, babies kind of rule. They exhibit all the signs of adult drunkenness but don’t deal with any of the consequences. Stand up and immediately fall down? Cute baby. Throw shit around the house? Cute baby. Poop your pants. Cute. Baby. They’re living the dream, and I want a little bit of that sunshine in my life as much as possible this year. I believe my mentor Michael Scott put it best:
P.S. I wanted the Michael Scott clip where he talks about a baby being President but the internet is a cruel woman sometimes.
Lebron James Had to Be Carried to the Bench During Last Night’s Game Because of Cramps
Here’s the thing: cramps suck, especially for a basketball player like Lebron, who routinely plays 40-42 out of 48 minutes in a game. Add in the fact that the air conditioning broke and it was apparently 90 degrees inside the AT&T Center and I can understand you getting cramps in your legs. But come on. Game 1 of the NBA Finals, you’re going for a three peat and trying to get your team into the “greatest teams ever” discussion…and you leave the game with cramps. I’m rooting for the Heat to win. I no longer despise Lebron, because it’s clear he’s the best player on the planet and saying otherwise at this point in his career makes you look very, very stupid. No one can guard him, and he can guard ANYONE on the other team. What else do you want in a player? But situations like these make it really hard to defend him. How can one of, if not the best athlete in the world continually leave the game with cramps? It doesn’t seem possible that this can keep happening. Is he not hydrating himself? Are the trainers Texan spies? It really boggles my mind. I hope Lebron comes back strong Sunday and the Heat rally off four straight wins and we can get past this. But for now, bring on the Midol jokes. Lebron has cramps.
If You Could Switch Places With Anyone in the World Right Now, Wouldn’t It Have to Be Prince Harry?
Source – It is only days since Prince Harry broke up with his long-term girlfriend Cressida Bonas, but a strip club in Memphis is hoping he will be ready to try to get over the heartbreak by paying them a visit.
The newly single 29-year-old is due to arrive in the Tennessee city where he will attend a society wedding this weekend.
As residents get ready to try to spot the prince during his trip, one of the city’s strip clubs has put up a large sign that says ‘Welcome Prince Harry’.
Source – Prince Harry partied it up in Miami Beach this week.
The British royal was in town Wednesday for his friend and British club owner Guy Pelly’s bachelor party.
The group of friends first enjoyed dinner at Hakkasan and reportedly stayed until close to enjoy cocktails, tea and coffee. They then hit up LIV nightclub at the Fontainebleau.
Both Harry and Prince William will be ushers at Pelly’s wedding to Holiday Inn heiress Lizzy Wilson on May 3. The couple will be married in Memphis, Tenn.
Decent week. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings and saw Spiderman 2 but I guess partying at Liv in Miami and getting the hero’s welcome from a stripclub is pretty fantastic too. When the “who would you want to switch places with” conversation comes up the same names are always mentioned: Leo, Clooney, Timberlake, Mayer. But what about Prince Harry? He’s younger than all of them. Also, he’s a PRINCE. A real life, badass prince. He was in the Royal Air Force which just sounds incredible. Throw in the fact that girls dig the British accent and you have yourself a bonafide member of the “who would I rather be” club. Now that he smartened up and is living the single life, the sky is really the limit for him. If he’s a halfway decent guy, he can get into any club, stadium or attraction in the entire world. The best part? He has an older brother, which equals zero responsibility. I’ve always been under the impression that unelss you’re the King or next in line, you can basically do whatever you want. Vegas today, Miami tomorrow. Memphis the next day because apparently people get married in Memphis. All I know is once your name is on the marquee at The Pony, you’ve made it.
John Henry Delivered a Sweet Burn to the Entire Miami Marlins Organization
For those unaware, the Miami Marlins owners were ragging on the Red Sox yesterday for their spring training lineup, because when you know your season is already over, this is what you do. Hey Miami, you mess with the bull, you get the horns. I’d say we’ll see you in October, but we both know that’s not going to happen.
Did You Guys Hear Lebron James Scored 61 Points Last Night?
Lebron James really gets no respect. The guy goes out and puts on an unbelievable performance against one of the best teams in the NBA and it barely got any media coverage. ESPN basically ignored it. No major news outlets like the NY Post and Associated Press reported on it. It’s almost as if it never happened. This once again proves that Lebron is one of if not THE most underrated athlete of our time. I pray for the day when he gets the exposure he deserves.
Lebron James Channeling His Inner Philippe From Man in the Iron Mask
Is Lebron trying to overthrow his evil twin brother or playing a basketball game? Because I honestly can’t tell. If Lebron wants to know why the whole world hates him, look no further than last night. A few years ago Lebron got a face boo boo while playing for the Cavs and wore a regular face mask. Now he gets the same boo boo and of course he has to make a spectacle of it. He knew the game was on TNT. He knew it would get national coverage. And now instead of the story being about his TEAM winning the game, SportsCenter will have 18 different segments dedicated to his mask. Puke city.
Lets Welcome Richie Incognito Back To The NFL
Lauren Tannehill Isn’t The Smartest Person in the World
Source – Lauren Tannehill, wife of Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill, recently returned a rental car but forgot to remove an AR-15 rifle from the back seat. The weapon was found by the next rental car customer, a New York woman, who turned it in to authorities.
“This is certainly the kind of item you don’t want to forget anywhere, but forgetting isn’t a crime,” Broward Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Keyla Concepcion said, via the Miami Herald.
More details via the Herald:
According to a BSO report, Lauren Tannehill, 26, rented a Nissan Rogue from E-Z Rent-A-Car on Jan. 4. She had the vehicle for about two hours, then turned it in for another. That same day, Judith Fleissig, 58, of Rochester, N.Y., rented the same Rogue. She later found the gun, valued at $2,000, secured in its case in the back seat, according to the report.
“We got out of the car, we were kind of freaked out,” Fleissig told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. “I didn’t want to touch it.”
I don’t want to jump on the blonde stereotype bandwagon right away, but anytime you leave an automatic weapon in a rental car and you just so happen to be a blonde woman it’s tough not to bring it up. Now is Lauren Tannehill beautiful? Yes. Do I want to touch her hiney? Yes. Is her husband a horrible, awful quarterback? Triple yes. None of these three things can really excuse leaving that kind of gun in a rental car. I don’t know much about gun owners but Lauren doesn’t seem like the poster child for automatic weapons. I need more info on this story and I need it now. In the meantime, I’ll be perusing through pictures of Lauren Tannehill for clues. Somebody’s got to do it, and it might as well be me.