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Reason #575214 Why Tom Hanks is the Greatest Human Who Ever Lived

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Do I really need to justify the title of this post or do you just get it? I just get it. The legend of Tom Hanks grows exponentially larger everyday he walks this Earth. A man equal in his fame cannot match his humbleness. Humble pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’m not sure what would happen if Tommy Hanks and William Murray started hanging out, probably would form a black hole. A black hole filled with the awesomeness of 1 billion suns.

-Matt

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William Freddie McCullough Has The Best Obituary Of All-Time

(Source) “William Freddie McCullough – BLOOMINGDALE – The man. The myth. The legend. Men wanted to be him and women wanted to be with him. William Freddie McCullough died on September 11, 2013. Freddie loved deep fried Southern food smothered in Cane Syrup, fishing at Santee Cooper Lake, Little Debbie Cakes, Two and a Half Men, beautiful women, Reeses Cups and Jim Beam. Not necessarily in that order. He hated vegetables and hypocrites. Not necessarily in that order. He was a master craftsman who single -handedly built his beautiful house from the ground up. Freddie was also great at growing fruit trees, grilling chicken and ribs, popping wheelies on his Harley at 50 mph, making everyone feel appreciated and hitting Coke bottles at thirty yards with his 45. When it came to floor covering, Freddie was one of the best in the business. And he loved doing it. Freddie loved to tell stories. And you could be sure 50% of every story was true. You just never knew which 50%. Marshall Matt Dillon, Ben Cartwright and Charlie Harper were his TV heroes. And he was the hero for his six children: Mark, Shain, Clint, Brandice, Ashley and Thomas. Freddie adored the ladies. And they adored him. There isn’t enough space here to list all of the women from Freddie’s past. There isn’t enough space in the Bloomingdale phone book. A few of the more colorful ones were Momma Margie, Crazy Pam, Big Tittie Wanda, Spacy Stacy and Sweet Melissa (he explained that nickname had nothing to do with her attitude). He attracted more women than a shoe sale at Macy’s. He got married when he was 18, but it didn’t last. Freddie was no quitter, however, so he gave it a shot two more times. It didn’t work out with any of the wives, but he managed to stay friends with them and their parents. In between his many adventures, Freddie appeared in several films including The Ordeal of Dr. Mudd, A Time for Miracles, The Conspirator, Double Wide Blues and Pretty Fishes. When Freddie took off for that pool party in the sky, he left behind his sons Mark McCullough, Shain McCullough and his wife Amy, Clint McCullough and his wife Desiree, and Thomas McCullough and his wife Candice; and his daughters Brandice Chambers and her husband Michael, Ashley Cooler and her husband Justin; his brothers Jimmie and Eddie McCullough; and his girlfriend Lisa Hopkins; and seven delightful grandkids. Freddie was killed when he rushed into a burning orphanage to save a group of adorable children. Or maybe not. We all know how he liked to tell stories. “

He adored the ladies: William 'Freddie' McCullough (pictured). His obituary claims the man from Georgia loved women, but hated veggies

The Savannah Morning News sure knows how to write an obituary. Going solely on this obituary, it seems William Freddie McCullough had the greatest life of all-time. Fishing, eating Reeses Cups and drinking Jim Beam. And don’t forget the beautiful women. Crazy Pam. Big Titty Wanda. Sweet Melissa. What a life. Chest hair breathing free. Perfectly groomed mustache. Some kids want to be athletes when they grow up. Some want to be astronauts or actors. If your not aspiring to be William Freddie McCullough you’re living life the wrong way. All I know is my sole goal in life is to find a Big Tittied Wanda of my own. As far as William goes,  I’m sure he’s growing fruit trees and grilling chicken and ribs in heaven. And may God help him if he sees any vegetables or hypocrites.

– Ryan

Monster Blog – Royal Baby Name Central

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! This royal baby nonsense has gone on far enough, and it’s time for the Average Nobodies to put our classy touch on the birth of the century.  Here’s what we know, the baby is a boy…and that’s about it.  So here are our top names we think Kate and Will should consider naming their little bundle of joy.

Prince Indiana Jones of Cambridge

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Right out the gate this kid is going to be a stud, I can feel it.  I mean come on, look at his mom, dad,  aunt, and uncle.  This royal offspring is swimming in good genes, i actually haven’t seen this good a gene pool since the Mannings and the Baldwins.  To complement this kids deadly charm he needs to have a dynamite name.  Prince Indy will be all the rage 20-something years from now.  Named after one of the greatest humans to ever live, Prince Indiana will pick off where Harrison Ford left off, kicking ass and discovering ancient artifacts.  Not to mention he will have good ‘ol Uncle Harry to come along on all of his adventures.

-MattyV

PS- Or we could go with Charlie Daniel’s suggestion

Captain Jacob Van Loon of Cambridge

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I like to picture the royal baby as a infant super villain. From day one he’s a terror for both William and Kate. He refuses to be another pawn in their royal power game, and at age 18, he runs away from home. No one hears from Captain Jacob until a few years later, when he battles his father for the title of undisputed ruler of England. Of course the English version of a power struggle will probably be a fencing match or who can eat the most crumpets in one sitting. Either way, Captain Jacob is going to be one bad ass baby.

P.S. I know the baby’s official title will be prince, but no self respecting villain can call themself a prince. Plus, if Jacob and William are ever on a boat, Jacob will be in charge. There is no higher authority on a boat then a captain.

– Ryan

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