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Some Guy “Accidentally” Bought Bananas Infested With Spiders That Give You Four Hour Erections

SURE A BRISTOL mum has revealed her shock after she found a bag of bananas her husband had bought from Tesco were infested with spiders – which are known to give men erections.

Maria Layton, 43, mum of Siri, aged six and Phoebe aged three, made the frightening discovery after opening the bag of bananas bought from Tesco.

The Tesco bananas were exported from Costa Rica – home of the world’s most dangerous spider – the Brazilian Wandering Spider aka Banana Spiders whose Greek name means “murderess”.

They are aggressive and venomous spiders which can lead to death and serious injury – including a painful four-hour erection.

Maria, of Westbury-on-Trym, said:” My husband bought the bananas from Tesco. They had been in the house a whole day before I ripped the bag open.

say what?

I’m not buying this story for one second. You mean to tell me that this husband just happened to pick the bag of bananas with boner inducing spiders inside? I think the ‘death’ side effect is meant to throw us off the scene of this being on purpose, but I don’t believe it. Is it a risky move? Yes, but some guys will risk death to get that rare four hour erection. I think this husband knew what he was doing and now that he got caught, he’s turning into the boy who cried wolf. While a four hour erection isn’t necessarily my idea of a fun Saturday afternoon, this guy obviously had big plans this weekend. If this isn’t turned into a porn parody of Spiderman by the end of the year I will have lost hope in the human race.

– Ryan

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KFC’s Newest Chicken Creation is Not Going Over Well in England

Paper towel chickenA mother in Newcastle, England was horrified when her stepson bit into a deep-fried blue paper towel, the Mirror reported last week.

Krystal Henderson, 29, and 7-year-old Oliver Hallam purchased takeout from a KFC branch in Killingsworth, according to the Express. At home, Oliver took a bite out of what he assumed was chicken, but recoiled seconds later.

“He pulled it out of his mouth and when he did, it pulled away the batter – you could see the blue roll inside,” Henderson said, according to the Daily Mail.

Henderson said that realizing Oliver had bitten into a paper towel was worse than if it had just been bad chicken.

“If it was bad chicken they might have just had a bad batch or something,” she said. “But the blue roll could have been used for anything – it could have bleach or disinfectant on it … Had someone wiped their hands on it, had it been used to wipe the floor?”

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Nothing like a fried piece of paper towel to ruin your entire life. How does this even happen? I feel like you really have to go out of your way to fry a paper piece towel instead of a piece of chicken. They are two very different things. This might’ve happened in England but now it’s making me look at KFC completely different. A KFC in my hometown just closed down after being there for a long time. At first I thought it just a drop in sales, but now that this story leaked, I have a funny feeling it had something to do with paper towel chicken. Have we ruled out a global sabotage effort from Taco Bell? Taco Bell spies around the world infiltrating KFC and stuffing their famous fried chicken with used paper towel? Let’s just say it if comes out that that’s happening you should remember where you heard it first. And for the time being, maybe everyone should stick to the cornbread and potato wedges at KFC.

– Ryan

Hopefully No One On the English World Cup Team Gets Injured

GOOOUCHI guess the bright side is, if anyone knows how to deal with an injury, it should be a member of the medical staff.

England physio Gary Lewin reportedly dislocated his ankle while celebrating his team’s lone goal during Saturday’s World Cup match with Italy. Lewin had to be carried off the pitch on a stretcher.

In the 37th minute, Daniel Sturridge netted a goal to knot the score, 1-1. Not long after, Lewin appeared to fall to the ground.

 

The only good thing here is that soccer players are known for their ability to never fall down or fake an injury. Constantly battling through the hip bumps and phantom trips. Literally never needing a trainer to come out and check on them. To be honest I bet this guy had a shin splint and made it seem like he dislocated his ankle. Soccer players are like thieves; one minute they’re on the ground writhing in pain and the next minute they’re scoring a goal, taking their shirt off and losing their goddamn minds. I guess they’re actually nothing like thieves but you get the point. Maybe next time Gary Lewin will just do a casual fist pump when a player scores a goal instead of acting like he won the English lottery.

– Ryan

 

Rob Gronkowski’s Off Season Rehab Seems to Be Going Well

I love Gronkowski. He’s the only tolerable member of the Patriots that non Patriot’s fans can root for. But if I were a Pats fan, I’d be a little upset with him. Athletes can do whatever they want in the off season. Is it ideal that they train and stay in shape and try to get smarter and stronger? Sure. But if a professional athlete wants to blow off some steam and go to Vegas for a few weeks and get drunk and party with porn stars who are we to tell him no? As long as they’re ready to perform when the season starts, I’m OK with it. The only problem with Gronkowski is that he’s the largest human ever who is apparently made entirely of glass. He had back surgery in college, and has dealt with serious ankle, forearm and now knee issues. Maybe dominating comedy shows and bench pressing comedians is the magical formula. My bet is on Belichick letting him go after the 2014 season.

– Ryan

If You Could Switch Places With Anyone in the World Right Now, Wouldn’t It Have to Be Prince Harry?

SourceIt is only days since Prince Harry broke up with his long-term girlfriend Cressida Bonas, but a strip club in Memphis is hoping he will be ready to try to get over the heartbreak by paying them a visit.

The newly single 29-year-old is due to arrive in the Tennessee city where he will attend a society wedding this weekend.

As residents get ready to try to spot the prince during his trip, one of the city’s strip clubs has put up a large sign that says ‘Welcome Prince Harry’.

SourcePrince Harry partied it up in Miami Beach this week.

The British royal was in town Wednesday for his friend and British club owner Guy Pelly’s bachelor party.

The group of friends first enjoyed dinner at Hakkasan and reportedly stayed until close to enjoy cocktails, tea and coffee. They then hit up LIV nightclub at the Fontainebleau.

Both Harry and Prince William will be ushers at Pelly’s wedding to Holiday Inn heiress Lizzy Wilson on May 3. The couple will be married in Memphis, Tenn.

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Decent week. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings and saw Spiderman 2 but I guess partying at Liv in Miami and getting the hero’s welcome from a stripclub is pretty fantastic too. When the “who would you want to switch places with” conversation comes up the same names are always mentioned: Leo, Clooney, Timberlake, Mayer. But what about Prince Harry? He’s younger than all of them. Also, he’s a PRINCE. A real life, badass prince. He was in the Royal Air Force which just sounds incredible. Throw in the fact that girls dig the British accent and you have yourself a bonafide member of the “who would I rather be” club. Now that he smartened up and is living the single life, the sky is really the limit for him. If he’s a halfway decent guy, he can get into any club, stadium or attraction in the entire world. The best part? He has an older brother, which equals zero responsibility. I’ve always been under the impression that unelss you’re the King or next in line, you can basically do whatever you want. Vegas today, Miami tomorrow. Memphis the next day because apparently people get married in Memphis. All I know is once your name is on the marquee at The Pony, you’ve made it.

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– Ryan

The Smartest People in the World Stole $113,000 Worth of Alcohol

(Source) The ever-growing list of food capers continues, this time with $113,000 worth of stolen liquor. According to Grub Street, the booze burglars made off with 1,314 1-liter bottles of Gordon’s gin, 912 71mL- and 120 500-mL bottles of Baileys, 744 1-liter bottles of Bell’s whiskey and 540 1-liter bottles of Smirnoff vodka. The alcohol was supposed to be sold at duty-free stores in Manchester Airport, however the bottles were stolen from a transport yard in England and are probably now destined for the black market. 

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This is smart. If you’re going to risk your freedom stealing something then you better make sure it’s worth it. Alcohol is always worth it. 1 million out of 1 million times. If i went through the trouble of stealing all this alcohol there is no way I’m putting it on the black market. Any money I make will pale in comparison to the money I save from never having to buy hard liquor again. 540 bottles of vodka can easily last you a few years, unless you’re the worst drunk in the history of the world. Gin and whiskey aren’t my thing, but I respect the desire for variety. Baileys is an oddball choice. Actually it’s just kind of stupid. Needed some tequilla. If you’re stealing $113,000 worth of alcohol and you don’t get tequila you’re a poor excuse for a human being. Plain and simple.

– Ryan

England Might Have The Greatest Sketch Artists on the Planet

Detectives have released this peculiar composite of the suspect. The man, who is roughly 5 feet, 10 inches tall,  allegedly attacked a woman on Aug. 20.

(Source) “Is this the creepiest facial composite ever?

Cops in England are hunting for a man with a long blond rocker ’do who was  allegedly behind a sex attack.

 The freshly coiffed man allegedly walked up to a woman at her home in  Chelmsford, Essex, on Aug. 20, and said he was there to do work.

She tried to turn him away, but he forced his way inside to assault her.  Terrified, the victim told a friend several days later, and the friend contacted  police.

Officers think his “distinctive curly, blond hair” is real.

The suspect, who is about 5 feet, 10 inches tall, was wearing a red and  white patterned T-shirt and knee-length black and white shorts.”

How happy are Essex cops right now? The sketch artists are basically doing their jobs for them. If you can’t find THIS GUY, you should just stop being a detective. Just look for the fabulous blonde curly hair, or the numerous black pen marks all over his face. The crime rate in Essex must be negative zero when you employ sketch artists like this. Criminals, you’re outta here.

– Ryan

What the Hell is Happening in England?

In Northampton, England, some psychopath is dressing up as a clown and creeping the fuck out of people. He creeps me out and I’m looking at him through a computer.

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If this guy doesn’t turn into some type of serial killer/animal mutilator then I’ll be shocked. You just don’t stand on street corners with clown makeup on holding balloons staring at people for no reason. This guy has clearly derailed. Obviously the next logical step would be to contact the authorities and at least question this man as to why he’s doing this. Nope. Enter “Boris The Clown Catcher”.

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Let’s get someone who is equally as deranged as the clown and have him take care of it. Did we miss the story where England let all of it’s mental patients free and now they’re basically terrorizing an entire country? Are there no police in Northampton? I’ve never been so confused in my life. All I know is I’d rather eat nails then travel to Northampton.

– Ryan

P.S. I appreciate Boris’ effort but talk about unoriginal. Superman colors? Big time fashion no no.

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