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Robert Wallace is Trying His Hardest to Become The Stupidest Man in America

HoustonRobert Wallace is mad: He gave his heart, soul and Harry Potter DVD collection to a Houston stripper.

Now he can’t even get back the Potter films.

Wallace, a Houston-based software developer, thought he was in a “dating relationship” with exotic dancer Nomi Mims. He loaned her $2,000, a laptop and his precious collection of movies based on the J.K. Rowling books, KRIV-TV reports.

When the alleged relationship ended May 3, Wallace hoped Mims would return the items. She hasn’t so now he says he’s suing her to get the money, laptop and Harry Potter DVDs.

Fat chance, according to Mims. She says she never dated Wallace and that the items were gifts he gave to her.

“I don’t believe in loans because I don’t want to pay anybody back,” she said, according to RawStory.com. “I’ve given him gifts too. You know, how do I get my booty and boobs back?”

Although Wallace claims the two were intimate and “building a life together,” Mims says they were never more than friends.

She concedes that it is unfortunate that she may have given him the wrong impression, MyFoxPhilly.com reports.

Still, she is shocked that Wallace has filed suit.

“I’ve heard of strippers suing customers, but never of customers suing strippers,” Mims said.

Mims admits he’s not surprised what happened and says, as a result, he’s decided not to date strippers.

Come on, Robert. The stripper customer relationship is one of the oldest, most basic relationships in human history. You pay a naked girl money and she dances and does things for you. That’s where it starts, and that’s where it ends. If you want to throw some Harry Potter movies in there, go ahead and have yourself a day. But don’t file a lawsuit trying to get your stuff back. Now you’re just embarrassing yourself. I don’t even know you and I’m embarrassed for you. The only thing worse than thinking you’re in a relationship with a stripper is suing her for your money back once that “relationship” is over. Chalk it up as a loss, move to a different city, buy another copy of Harry Potter and start “dating” another stripper. That’s the only cure.

– Ryan

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If I Took One Look at Robert Short I Could’ve Told You He’d Be a Terrible Bank Robber

Dope“An Oregon police affidavit says a robber at the Home Federal Bank two weeks ago demanded money by giving the teller a note written on the back of a grocery receipt.

It was only part of the receipt, Bend Detective Jeff Frickey said in the affidavit, but it had the last four digits of a food stamp account and the account balance — enough to get investigators going.

State records provided a name to go with the account number, the Bend Bulletin reported, and an online search of the name turned up a pawn shop transaction with a telephone number.

A service provider then came up with the coordinates of the phone, the Stillwater Campground in Central Oregon.

That, the affidavit said, is where 54-year-old Robert Short was arrested on theft and robbery charges.

At an interview afterward, Frickey’s affidavit said, Short denied the charges, saying he never keeps receipts and would have thrown it in the trash, where anyone could have picked it up.

He also said that a hitchhiker must have stolen a black stocking cap that police kept as evidence after it was knocked off when the robber and a bank client struggled during the April 24 holdup, the affidavit said.

Police told Short his DNA was on the cap.

A plea hearing is scheduled May 27.

Short was held without bail at the Deschutes County Jail. It could not be determined immediately Wednesday whether he has a lawyer.”

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This isn’t meant to sound braggy, but I could’ve told you Robert Short would be a terrible bank robber. He looks like someone who would be in a slideshow of dumb criminals. Situations like these always baffle me. Obviously the guy isn’t doing so good. He looks like shit, he’s on food stamps; not his finest hour. But would it kill him to find a blank peice of paper, or any peice of paper that doesn’t have his personal account information on it? Bank robbing 101: don’t leave any trace evidence behind, especially something like a grocery receipt with a food stamp account number on it that the police can trace back to you in 4 seconds. It looked like Short put up a good fight though. He strikes me as someone who wouldn’t keep his receipts, and although the hitchhiker story seems kind of farfetched, it could work. Then the police just drop the hammer on him. DNA was on the cap. I imagine this is when he just wished he was dead. Game over Robert. Next time don’t use your personal grocery receipt as a robbery note.

– Ryan

To No One’s Surprise, Jimmy Fallon Killed It On His First Night Hosting ‘The Tonight Show’

It was between this and ‘the history of hip hop dancing’ for my favorite sketch of the night, but anytime you can see an unadvertised Bobby DeNiro you have to relish it. I knew Fallon would kill it as host of The Tonight Show, because that’s what he does: accepts a challenge and knocks it out of the park. It started with SNL, and has translated seamlessly to late night TV hosting. Like most fans, I’m happy to be along for the ride.

– Ryan

Monsterblog Wednesday – If You Had to Watch One Movie For the Rest of Your Life…

A Bronx Tale

While I always go with Clooney in pretty much any hypothetical situation, I had to switch things up for this monster blog. Before Tony Soprano landed on our TV sets, there was Sonny. Sonny was a mobster, and Sonny was cool. A Bronx Tale, for those who haven’t seen it, follows C, a young Bronx boy who has to decide between a life of crime with mobster Sonny or follow in his father’s footsteps and make an honest living. The icing on the cake? Bobby De Niro stars as C’s father, and he directs the movie. Watch this movie and tell me it doesn’t have the greatest soundtrack of all-time. I DARE YOU. Also, it provides us with one of the greatest quotes in movie history: “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent”.

– Ryan

Armageddon

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NO question in my mind. This was probably the easiest choice I have ever made. Affleck, Willis, Tyler, Wilson, Duncan (RIP), Thornton, Buscemi, fitchner…and the list goes on! Star studded cast? Check! Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck saving mankind? Check! Romantic love story? Check! Uber emotional ending that I don’t cry at every time? Check! On my death bed i’m going to rip my hospital tag off my wrist and scream “GIVE THIS TO TRUMAN! MAKE SURE TRUMAN GETS THAT!”

-MattyV

What movie would you watch? Comment below!

Nobody Does Sex Diaries Like The Kennedy’s

(Source) Robert F. Kennedy Jr. grappled with what he called his biggest defect — “my lust demons” — while keeping a scorecard of more than two dozen conquests, according to his secret diary.

The thick, red journal was found in their home by his wife, Mary Richardson Kennedy, who, distraught over their impending divorce and Kennedy’s serial philandering, committed suicide last year.

A copy of the 398 pages, reviewed by The Post, details RFK Jr.’s daily activities, speeches, political activism and the lives of his six children in the year 2001. But they also record the names of women — with numbers from 1 to 10 next to each entry.

The codes corresponded to sexual acts, with 10 meaning intercourse, Mary told a confidant. There are 37 women named in the ledger, 16 of whom get 10s.

On Nov. 13, 2001, RFK Jr. records a triple play. The separate encounters — coded 10, 3 and 2 — occur the same day he attended a black-tie fund-raiser at the Waldorf-Astoria for Christopher Reeve’s charity, where he sat next to the paralyzed “Superman” star, magician David Blaine and comic Richard Belzer.

It was a hectic month for Kennedy, who traveled to ­Toronto, Louisiana and Washington, DC — and listed at least one woman’s name on 22 different dates, including 13 consecutive days.

Most women are identified only by first name in the ledger. They include a lawyer, an environmental activist, a doctor and at least one woman married to a famous actor.

A Post reporter who questioned Kennedy Friday about the diary was first met with six seconds of stunned silence.”

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JFK banged Marilyn Monroe. RFK also banged Marilyn Monroe. And now RFK Jr. has quite possibly the most intricate sex diary in the history of the world. Number system? Yes. Bible references? Double yes. Spending a month in a Puerto Rican prison so he doesn’t cheat on his wife? Sure, why not. They may have ran the country for most of the 20th century, but this solidfies the fact that the Kennedys are sex crazed maniacs. The black tie event that Kennedy details in his sex diary sounded like one hell of a crazy night. He received a 10, 3 and a 2. My question is if 10 = sex, what the hell are a 2 and a 3? I was under the impression we counted hand jobs, blow jobs and then sex. Are you telling me there are 7 more things I’m missing out on? Enlighten me Bobby Jr. And then get yourself some help.

– Ryan

Guy Gets Banned From All Farms For Banging a Goat

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Robert Newman, 23, is banned from every single farm in the United Kingdom after sexually penetrating a goat, the London Evening Standard reported.

Newman admitted to the act, which took place on a Wiltshire farm in April, on Monday, according to the Wiltshire Gazette and Herald.

His sentencing is scheduled to take place Sept. 12. Until then, Newman — who has been released on bail — is prohibited from being on any property where farm animals reside, according to SWNS. He also has to keep a curfew between 7 p.m. and 7 a.m.

Tough break, Robert. Getting banned form every farm in the UK? That’s a steep punishment for what you did. All I know is, if my buddies and I ever get banned from all the farms in America, we would be pissed! (We plan on running a egg farm one day) I don’t anticipate any of us banging farm animals in the near future, but you never know. And wait, “sexually penetrating a goat”? Are there other ways to penetrate a goat with your penis that is not sexual? I guess i’m not hip to farm tactics.

-MattyV

PS- Before you judge, did you ever think the guy just loved his goat?

Happy Birthday Bobby De Niro

One of the greatest at his craft turns 70 today. Happy birthday my sweet prince.

– Ryan

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