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As If It Couldn’t Get Any Stranger, Florida Now Has Leprosy Infected Armadillos

GOODFlorida health and wildlife experts are warning residents to steer clear of armadillos in light of a reported spike in cases of leprosy.

So far this year, nine cases have been reported in Florida, according to the state Department of Health. Between two and 12 cases are reported each year, an agency spokesman told WTLV on Tuesday.

“Hansen’s disease, formerly known as leprosy, is caused by Mycobacterium leprae bacteria,” which has also been found in nine-banded armadillos, deputy press secretary Brad Dalton said in a email.

Just when you think Florida is starting to settle down, leprosy infected armadillos are roaming around, and people are apparently approaching them? Of all the animals that look pet-table, armadillos are shockingly low on the list. If I saw an armadillo, the last thing I’d probably want to do is pet it. As surprising as this is, that it’s happening in Florida is the least surprising part of all of it. If you said to me ‘leprosy armadillos’ I’d immediately say that has to be happening in Florida. It’s reputation precedes itself, and I’m glad to see that it’s still as insane as ever.

– Ryan

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As If Florida Wasn’t Crazy Enough, People Are Now Using ‘Flakka’ & Terrorizing South Florida

FloridaIt’s been called “$5 insanity” and been responsible for both superhuman feats of strength and unbelievable bouts of delusion.

“Flakka” or “gravel” is the latest synthetic drug that’s being snorted, smoked or injected by addicts looking for a cheap high and been responsible for a series of bizarre headlines across South Florida.

A Florida man running for his life through the streets of Fort Lauderdale – naked, except for a pair of sneakers – is symbolic of the latest drug craze striking dread in law enforcement.

“Longtime addicts who have tried flakka, they’re terrified of it,” Broward County Sheriff’s Office treatment counselor Don Maines told the Sun-Sentinel. “They can’t think straight, they’re paranoid, they think people are chasing them. One guy thought he was surrounded by German shepherds that were attacking him.”

OMG CAT

You know what Florida DIDN’T need? Flakka, gravel, or any other kind of hallucinogenic drug. That’s like giving a murderer keys to a gun closet and being surprised when he murders everyone. It’s a well known fact that people in Florida are bat shit crazy. Combine that bat shit craziness with hallucinogenic drugs and you have possibly the worst disaster ever. People are streaking through neighborhoods. One guy thought he was being chased by a gang of German shepherds which sounds like either the best or worst thing ever. If he was being chased by the dogs then that’d be pretty cool because German shepherds are awesome. If he was being chased by a bunch of Shepard’s that just happened to be German then that would be terrifying. You know how your grandparents always start conversations off with “back in my day” and you roll your eyes? I kind of get what they’re saying now. Back in the day you had cool nicknames for drugs like crack or speed or hash. Flakka is bad enough, but gravel? Gravel isn’t even a slang term. Gravel is an actual thing, and it’s pretty low on the list of things I’d like to ingest, snort or inject into my body. But I guess that’s how things are in Florida. You snort some gravel, get chased by some dogs and/or Shepard’s and you call it a god damn day.

– Ryan

Insane Instagram Comments – Claire Sinclair

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The beautiful Claire Sinclair. Playmate of the year 2011, all around american sweetheart, and her Instagram is a breeding ground for insane and unsettling comments. Let’s see what we got.

 

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Oh Bill Paxton, look away, it’s so much worse than I thought. Giojaydotrojas, can you tone it down even a little? This clearly isn’t proper internet manners but I have to thank you for one of the most shocking comments to date. Can anyone take a red light selfie in peace anymore?!

Leave the poor girl alone!…..actually keep doing you, you are providing us with GOLD.

-Matt

The Doctah is In: Charles Manson & Coconuts

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Ok, so you see Charles Manson above. Not a cool guy.  However, he was a very intelligent man, just too twisted for his own agenda.  Spiderman said it best, “With great power comes great responsibility”.  This guy forgot that if you are responsible for controlling people, you are ultimately responsible for their actions.

This intro leads me to my next doctor-esque statement: although I do not have a PhD, I could easily diagnose Mr. Manson as having a true Chemical Imbalance in his brain.  Chemicals are called HORMONES.  Stay with me.

Short aside:  If you are Chinese and are referring to this page for correcting ailments, then a chemical imbalance is considered an imbalance of yin and yang energy.  Have you ever met someone ultimately good?  No.  Well, maybe Jesus. Or Black Jesus, who knows.  Have you ever seen or met someone very evil?  (See above).  Too much yang energy.

HOWEVER, there is a fix.

Now I’m not claiming I could fix Charles Manson.  What I am saying, is I could make it so we could harness what he knows, and make him a more positive person.  Maybe we could make him become conscious of his imbalance and his overdose of yang energy.

OK, so I’m not a dick.  I’m not gonna leave you hanging.

Who loves COCONUTS?  I do.

What is concentrated COCONUTS? Coconut Oil.

What does coconut oil do?  Balances hormones.

What does that mean?  It makes you a little less crazy.
So that means, if you balance your hormones, you can balance your yin and yang energy, thus making you a little less crazy.

And how do you do this?

FUCKIN COCONUTS.

Don’t believe me?  GOOGLE IT.  I WANT YOU TO.

And finally back to my original thesis. If we give Charles Manson 4 tablespoons of COCONUT OIL a day, we could balance his energy, and make him a little less stupid and a little less crazy. But come on, wouldn’t you want the knowledge of a guy that can smuggle a cellular phone into a secure prison facility?  I would.

Sincerely,

Don Juan’s Long Lost Brother,

The Doctah

Man is Drilling Teeth Out of His 2nd Floor Apartment

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A Central Falls man received two years probation after admitting to running an illegal dental practice from his second-floor apartment.

Ray Guillen, 27, pleaded no contest Monday before Superior Court Judge Jeffrey A. Lanphear to operating a dental practice without a license and maintaining a common nuisance.

Central Falls police responded on April 12, 2012, to a suspected domestic assault at 77 Clay Street, Apt. 2, second floor. They discovered a dentist chair in the living room, x-ray equipment, and a cabinet filled with dental tools for drilling and cleaning, retainers, morphine, and other drugs. A vial of steroids was found in Guillen’s room as well as business cards that identified him as a tooth whitening specialist operating out of Blackstone Dental… -Providence Journal

This is why I HATE the dentists. Just some guy drugging up people and drilling the shit out of there mouths. But really, who the hell falls into this trap? Not only is it in the middle of some dudes living room, but it’s on the second floor of some apartment building in CENTRAL FALLS, Rhode Island. For those of you who do not know about Central Falls, I will just say it isn’t known for its tea parties…OR dentists offices. Completely ok for someone to do with with a barber chair, but drilling and scrapping teeth? Save that for the pros…please.

-MattyV

Insane Clown Posse Theater

Ever wanted to watch ICP react, live, to popular music videos? I’ve found what you’re looking for! These guys are quite possibly the most ridiculous duo on the planet, and they have opinions to match. Violent J and Shaggy bring you ICP Theater!

New episodes are on Wednesdays 11/10c on FUSE.

-MattyV

PS- This has got to be the polar opposite of ‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee’, as far as internet shows go.

*****UPDATE******

PSS- Howard Stern, the king of all media, endorses the show!

 

Hopefully Bears Can’t Smell Crazy

Move over Florida, Rhode Island’s got crazy fever! This video of a Rhode Island NBC10 reporter explaining what to do when you see a bear is the craziest thing i’ve seen since Sharknado.  That’s how to repel a bear?? By looking at this girls survival tactics something tells me she wouldn’t last 2 minutes on ‘Naked and Afraid’. Apparently this is going viral, and why not?! It’s hilarious. And it already has a remixed version! That’s when you know you’ve made the big time.

-MattyV

GQ Magazine Can Go To Hell

Rating The Insane Clown Posse (ICP) as the worst rap group in history was the worst thin GQ Magazine could have done.  Do you have any idea the type of people you are dealing with?  I’m not talking about physical violence, but just the sheer number of loyal fans [Juggalo to the lay person] spells bad news for them.  Now i’m going to come right out and say it, I am a huge supporter of ICP, so this might be bias.  But, I will also disclose that I am a music lover in general.  I have everything on my ipod from The Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack (The original cast in London. Your a loon if you have any other version) to Pantera.  ICP just happens to be a group that I have loved since I was in middle school.  I will be the first to admit that their music is not everyone cup of proverbial tea, and I would never force it upon anyone. But calling them the worst rappers of ALL TIME? That is just crazy. I can guaran-damn-tee that who ever (I know his name, but I won’t give him fame he doesn’t deserve) came up with this list never went to and ICP show, listened to a full ICP album, or even had the decency to find out what they are about.  They just know the mantra behind them and stuck them with this unfitting label. 20 years of music and touring say otherwise to your stupid list.

-MattyV

PS – Ask Berno, someone who has never listened to ICP, if he enjoyed the concert we went to.  Go ahead GQ, ASK HIM!!!

 

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