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Having A Bad Day? At Least You Didn’t Lose A Soccer Match 46-0

I feel like I just watched a murder. Seriously, 46-0 in any sport is just out of control, but when it’s SOCCER, it’s basically murder. I feel like the refs or anyone could have stopped this game after it got to 6 or 7 to zero. After awhile you have to realize the other team isn’t coming back. 46 is a very unnecessary number to get to in soccer. I don’t know a ton about the sport, but I’m assuming this is the goalie for Micronesia’s last game. You don’t come back from this. It’s like the opposite of a golfer getting a hole in one and never playing again. You can’t get back on the field after allowing 46 goals in one game. I don’t care if your defense is made of ants, you need to stop one or two shots. Hopefully Micronesia isn’t too shaken up by this, but I can’t imagine they make any sort of comeback after a loss of this magnitude.

– Ryan

H/T UPROXX

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This Soccer Team Is Really Bad At Celebrating Goals

I understand it’s hard to score a goal in soccer, so when you finally do, it’s necessary to lose your mind and run around with your shirt off or slap hands. But it’s probably not the best idea for the entire team, including the goalie, to celebrate and run off the field doing handstands and back flips, because then the other team can just kick it from midfield and score on an open net. I’m no soccer genius yet I know that. They definitely get style points for the gymnastics, because I can barely run and talk at the same time, but they lose infinity points for just running off the field while the game is still going on. Do less next time, guys.

– Ryan

H/T UPROXX

Madeira, Portugal Unveiled Their New Boner-ific Statue For Hometown Star Cristiano Ronaldo

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Have yourself a day, Cristiano. Serious question: is there anyone who loves themselves more than Cristiano Ronaldo? Not only is he only 29 years and still plays soccer, but between his junk and the fohawk this is one of the most disturbing statues in history. Maybe the guy is well endowed, but is that really necessary to include it for people who now have to see this statue every day? If I lived in Madeira I would be extremely upset that I had to look at Cristiano Ronaldo’s statuesque bulge every day. A regular statue is one thing; like I said before, it’s kind of weird because he’s so young and still playing. But depicting your package bulging out of your shorts on an 11 foot statue is a little much. Actually it’s a lot much. Stick to kicking the ball and slaying supermodels, Cristiano. Leave the statues to the pro’s.

– Ryan

H/T NY Daily News

Rhode Island Attracting Stars Left and Right – Emma Stone and Spiderman Stop By Anthony’s Seafood in Middletown!

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Andrew Garfield and his boo, Emma, stopping by a local RI eatery. NBD, but KBD.

Matt Pro Fashion Tip: Lose the Newsies cap, kid. This isn’t the great depression. You’re a superhero for Bill Paxton’s sake!

-Matt

Yay or Nay on ‘Teddy Goalsevelt’ Being the Face of US Soccer in Brazil?

First off the name is great. It’s not everyday you can incorporate a soccer term into the name of an American president from the early 20th century. Secondly, the outfit is great. Love the Jumanji aspect of it. Really anytime you have the chance to dress like a character from Jumanji you have to take it. That’s not a costume or soccer rule; that’s a life rule. Thirdly, this guy looks strikingly similar to Teddy Roosevelt. Have we ruled out that this guy is a Teddy Roosevelt impersonator who stumbled into the stadium and the internet just took over from there? Seems like an American internet-y thing to do: find a fan dressed like Teddy Roosevelt and turn him into an American soccer icon. My only reservation is that the US didn’t win last night. The whole point of being “the face” of something is that you’re a good luck charm. Good luck charms don’t let their team lose in the 94th minute of a World Cup game. If we beat/draw against Germany then I’m sold on Teddy Goalsevelt. If we lose I want his head on a Brazilian spike.

– Ryan

Monster Blog Wednesday: Soccer Goal Celebrations

Super Saiyan

I think it’s safe to say World Cup fever has caught on in America, and if I’m not mistaken, I think the United States has already won the whole tournament. Since neither of us have the skill or stamina to ever play in an actual soccer match, never mind a World Cup game, we thought it’d be realistic to figure out what our goal celebration would be. We’ve seen some sweet celebrations so far, but I have a feeling our own insane moves are going to blow every other celebrations out of the water.

Ryan – ‘The Conductor’

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I usually try to keep things simple, but if there’s anything I’ve learned so far this world cup, it’s that long, drawn out celebrations are the best celebrations. Once I score my goal and am released from the hospital for running the entire field, I immediately launch into ‘The Conductor’. The crowd, the opponents, the coaches and the rest of my team do not exist during my celebration; when I’m in conductor mode it’s just me and my imaginary symphony orchestra. A little rat, a little tat tat, and just like that, I have the whole crowd in my hands. Classy, original, not strenuous – ‘The Conductor’ is the perfect goal celebration.

 

Matt – ‘The Air Guitar’

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Soccer seems ok, it’s not my cup of beer, but it seems ok. If I were to be asked to give one suggestion on what would make soccer better, and i’m not sure I would ever be asked that, I would tell them that it needs to be more “Rock n’ Roll”. Leather pants, long hair, groupies (and not of the soccer variety, no. I’m talking cigarette smoking, way too much eye shadow type groupies), and lots of electric guitar. Picture this: I’m running down the field, hair in the wind, and my teammate sets me up with the most insane header you have ever seen! (and just to be clear I only score with headers) GOAL GOAL GOAL! That is when I make my way, slowly, to the center of the field where I play a full songs worth of air guitar. ‘Stairway to Heaven’, ‘Dirty Deeds’, and anything by “Foreigner” would be my go-tos, but it all depends on how i’m feeling at that moment.

 

Alex Morgan May Have Just Single Handedly Willed Team USA To a Win Tonight

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#IBELIEVE

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No way we lose this game now. Not with Alex Morgan and her fine self on our side.

– Ryan

Magneto and Professor X are Super Excited For the Super Bowl

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I’m just not sure they know what sport will be playing.

-Matt

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