Blog Archives
Emergency Monster Blog – The Rhode Island Slogan
Okay, here’s the deal. For those of you who don’t know, or don’t care, Rhode Island recently did an overhaul of their branding and image. The government, specifically the governor’s office, spent and obscene amount of money on a new logo, slogan and website update as a part of this new look for The Ocean State. The slogan: “Cooler & Warmer”, which doesn’t really have a ring to it at all, i’m actually not even sure what it means. Cooler like “hey man that’s cool”, or is it cooler like temperature? Regardless of whatever the meaning or double meaning might be that’s just way too much thing for a slogan. If it needs to be explained, then it probably isn’t going to work. If I was a family ready to pick a spot for a nice summer vacation and I happened to discover that Rhode Island’s state slogan, the thing that is trying to draw me in, is “Warmer & Cooler” I probably would avoid it at all costs. No way I’m exposing my family to a state that picked that kind of BS as their catchphrase. So what should be the new “new” slogan? Here’s our hot take and new slogans for Rhode Island.
Rhode Island: An Ocean of Possibilities
Not bad, right? That cost me $0 and took me literally 7 minutes to come up with. Before I get into my slogan, I want to take some time and bash the new official slogan. Cooler & Warmer. You know what’s ‘cooler and warmer’? Literally everywhere. Every place on this god damn Earth is at one time cool or warm. Those are really the only temperatures things can be. Technically yes places can be ‘cold or hot’ but it’s pretty much the same thing. Not only are we the smallest state, but apparently our Governor has the smallest brain. If you’re spending $5 million on something and that’s what you come up with, you’re an idiot. You could have bought a $5 million car with that kind of money.
Back to my slogan: I was going to go the funny route, but I kind of wanted to prove how easy it is to come up with a slogan for a place that used to be called The Ocean State. Do you know how many people living in the middle of the country are jealous of Rhode Islanders? We have beautiful beaches 45 minutes away, and that’s if you live on the other side of the state. That’s the main reason people come here and that’s the main reason summers here are so great. It’s not the perfect slogan, but there’s no such thing as perfect, so why not just go with the obvious and then put something about hope in there? People love hope. Now, no slogan is complete without a picture that sums up that slogan, and luckily I came prepared. Read it and weep.
Rhode Island: Not Long Island
I can’t tell you how many times i’ve introduced myself to someone, told them where i’m from and they respond “oh yes, New York”. No, actually there is a pretty sizable state separating us from New York. Am I taking crazy pills or is everybody outside the northeast just writing our tiny state off? I know we haven’t been known for the best things (maybe our slogan should be “Mobsters and Lobsters” [saw that somewhere, not my own]) and maybe those things have sent us into such a deep downward spiral that no matter how hard we try to change our image we are always going to fuck things up. Case and point, the awful slogan we just came up with. It’s hard to believe that we hired the same media company that did New York’s mega popular “I Heart New York” campaign. Things must have gone downhill since then, because this slogan is just crap. Not to mention we have one of the most prestigious art schools in the country, why not pull some ideas from there? I’m pretty sure RISD could have come up with a better logo than the shark fin/sail with Easter weekend pastel colors. It looks like a bad bank logo.
If nobody outside our own citizens were vacationing here before, they definitely won’t be now, so let’s at least change our slogan to something useful. Rhode Island: Not Long Island.
-Matt the Rat
Massive 14-Acre Star Wars Parks Coming to DisneyLand and Disney World
Prepare to make the jump to light speed!
For those of you living under giant rocks, Disney had its annual D23 event over the weekend. This event is pretty much Comic Con but if you listen very closely you can hear people being asked if “they would like to build a snowman”, over and over and over again. D23 is a magical experience that I hope to enjoy someday, but until then I will have to settle for reading it online and regurgitating it here.
Major movie announcements flooded D23 with the highlights being: The Incredibles 2, Finding Dory, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men tell no Tales and of course the “it would be stupid-dumb if we didn’t do this” Frozen 2. Other highlights included photos from Star Wars: Rogue One, a Darth Vader themed PS4 and two full on themed Star Wars Disney Parks! So actually, D23 was exactly like Comic Con but with more Star Wars.
The proposed parks are said to be 14 acres with full-on Star Wars themed restaurants, shops and of course, rides. Even teasing a ride where you get to pilot the Millennium Falcon! This makes me very excited, to say the least.
-Matt
The National Enquirer Has Leaked Excerpts From Hulk Hogan’s Alleged Racist Rant & It’s Not Great
I’m sure you could tell from the title of this post, but this contains some pretty hateful language:
“I guess we’re all a little racist,” he crowed on the tape, multiple sources have confirmed exclusively to The ENQUIRER.
Despite his TV image as a born-again Christian, the tapes prove that Hulk is a very different man off camera!
In a startling exchange, the 61-year-old told Clem – who he sued for invasion of privacy after their XXX tape was leaked to a website – about his frustrations with blonde bombshell Brooke, 27.
“She is making some real bad decisions now,” Hulk said, sources tell us. “My daughter Brooke jumped sides on me. I spent $2-3 million on her music career, I’ve done everything like a jackass for her.”
The bitter bodybuilder continued, “The one option Brooke had, Brooke’s career besides me, is [to] sell beach records.”
At that point on the tape, the former “Hogan Knows Best” star bemoaned how a “black billionaire guy” had offered to fund her music career.
He also attempts to use bizarre, twisted logic in an attempt to justify his bigotry at the man.
“I don’t know if Brooke was f*cking the black guy’s son,” Hulk raved, the sources add.
“I mean, I don’t have double standards. I mean, I am a racist, to a point, f*cking n*ggers. But then when it comes to nice people and sh*t, and whatever.”
Then, in a tirade to rival the racism embarrassments suffered by Mel Gibson and “Dog The Bounty Hunter,” Hulk unloaded even more hatred!
According to sources, he said: “I mean, I’d rather if she was going to f*ck some n*gger, I’d rather have her marry an 8-foot-tall n*gger worth a hundred million dollars! Like a basketball player!
“I guess we’re all a little racist. Fucking n*gger.”
Now this is all alleged at this point, but it doesn’t look good for Hulk Hogan. WWE has already taken down any mention of Hogan from their website and removed him as a judge on Tough Enough after supposedly hearing the tapes in question, so yeah, not the best time to be the Hulkster. Hogan has made a name for himself as the face of a red blooded America, but apparently he’s taken that act to heart and added the ‘racist American’ to his gimmick. This is only going to get uglier, and it’s self inflicted, so nobody is going to feel bad for Hogan.
– Ryan
Have You Ever Wanted To Hear All Of Michael Jackson’s Grunts Super Cut Into One Video? Me Neither, But Here It Is!
I can’t imagine there’s anyone out there who’s been waiting for a super cut video of all the times Michael Jackson has grunted in his songs, but here we are, and here it is. This is one of those videos that is so strange you have to share it when you see it. Someone took days, weeks, possibly months out of their lives to put this together, so I guess the least I could do is share it with the world. I can’t honestly say it’s time well spent, but if this is your hobby then have yourself a day. The weirdest part of the video (besides all the grunting) is that the only image on the screen throughout the entire video is of a white guy with a Rick James wig dressed in MJ’s classic red leather outfit. You’re telling me whoever made this video spent all this time picking out all the grunts and couldn’t use an actual picture of MJ for the video? I can’t imagine it’s copyrighted, as you’d probably have a harder time not using copyrighted music then you would screen-shotting a picture and throwing it up there. We live in a strange, strange world.
– Ryan
Dennis Quaid Does Not Like It When Crew Members Disrupt His Train Of Thought
Well then. Apparently you don’t disrupt a scene when Dennis Quaid is trying to act. The initial response to this is that it was a prank, and it very well could be, but I have a feeling it isn’t. If this is a prank, then Dennis Quaid really is one of the best actors of our generation, because he loses his shit here. I doubt Jimmy Kimmel or someone would set up prank where he calls so many people a dickhead or a pussy, but I guess you never know. I’m just glad to see that Randy isn’t the only Quaid hanging on by a thread. Somebody get Dennis Quaid a Xanax before he kills everyone on that set.
– Ryan
Music Monday – Sublime
I need the sweet serenading of Sublime to bring me a Fantasy win tonight!
-Matt
Tonight we Release Installment 3 of our Fantasy Football Podcast, But until then Enjoy Last Weeks Episode
Visit Youtube.com/TheAverageNobodies for new episodes every Tuesday!
People Walking on Gliders and Giving me a Heart Attack
What is happening. Am I missing something? All these people have death wishes! Jumping from outer space, climbing skyscrapers, jumping without a parachute, and now climbing all around on two gliders?! The human race has a death wish. At any rate, this video is pretty sweet, even though it makes me want to throw up under my desk.
-Matt
