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Mike Tyson is the Latest Celebrity to Endorse Team USA And Now I’m Legitimately Scared For the Citizens of Belgium

My favorite subplot of the World Cup is the random slew of celebrities coming out to support Team USA. The latest one is Mike Tyson, who I can confidently say has no idea what soccer or the World Cup is, but he’s supporting America so it’s OK. I also don’t know if getting Mike Tyson all riled up is a good thing. There’s a solid chance he’s going to go home tonight and look up Belgium on a map and make it his mission to make sure they never breathe life again. There are a lot of things in this world I’d test my might against, but a focused Mike Tyson is not one of them. If I were Belgium, I’d forfeit right now. Keep your country intact while you still can.

– Ryan

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Cuddle Up To Me is Apparently a Real Company Where People Pay a Stranger to Cuddle With Them

(Source) “Looking for a little extra affection? Meet Sam Hess, a 29-year-old cuddle professional who makes a living by selling snuggles to those in need. Hess is part of a new breed of business people who believe that touch, no matter who it comes from, is the key to a happy life. She hatched the idea after watching a YouTube experiment in which two men offered free or paid hugs to people on the street. “People paid for hugs more than they took the free ones, and I realized that there’s real value in affection,” Hess tells Yahoo Shine. “My friends and boyfriend were a little wary at first, but once they realized I was serious about it, they were supportive.” Hess’s Portland, Oregon based company, called Cuddle Up To Me, offers two basic packages: A 30-minute session for $35 and a 60-minute session for $60 (She charges a $1 per minute in overtime), during which Hess and her client might hold hands, cuddle up on the couch, or spoon to the tune of her “cuddle playlist,” which includes classic music and hits by Phil Collins and Jack Johnson. There are also prepaid weekly sessions and a flat rate for overnight stays. However, before she does business, Hess conducts a free 45-minute meet-and-greet in a public place such as a coffee shop, to assess the intentions of potential clients. “I need to know where a person is coming from so I know what I’m walking into,” she explains.  

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This is sad. Not “someones dying” sad, but the “he’s sitting all by myself at the restaurant” type of sad. Who’s paying someone $60 an hour to cuddle with them? Splurge and pay the extra $100 for a prostitute like a normal person. I don’t care how many write ups Sam gets Yahoo or any other website to do. This is weird and anyone who thinks otherwise is weird. Buy a teddy bear. Go out in society and meet people. Basically do anything but pay a stranger to come cuddle with you.

– Ryan

P.S. The only thing I’m on board with is the choice of Phil Collins for this girl’s cuddle playlist. I’d love to cuddle to Phil’s angelic voice. Again, just not with a stranger.

The Woman Who Woke Up Sounding Chinese. Wait. What?

When Sarah Colwill, 38, was hospitalized for an intense migraine in 2010, she awoke to an astounding sound—her voice.

Her familiar English accent had been replaced by what sounded like a poor impression of a Chinese person, leaving doctors scratching their heads.

Her predicament was a side effect of a rare neurological condition called Foreign Accent Syndrome.

Colwill is one of just 150 confirmed cases ever of FAS, according to the Independent. The condition is most often caused by damage to the brain brought on by a stroke or traumatic brain injury, UT Dallas reports.

In a new BBC documentary ‘The Woman Who Woke Up Chinese,’ which aired Tuesday, Colwill’s life with an alien voice proves to be less like an episode of Summer Heights High and more like a nightmare. -BBC

I know a scam when I see one, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is a scam. Foreign Accent Syndrome? They should just probably change it to “I don’t wanna sound like me anymore disease”. One minute she is having tea and scrumpets, then next she is singing ‘Deck The Halls’ like the people at the end of A Christmas Story. Let me explain how this worked. Lady got a super crazy migraine from hearing herself speak, decided to ditch the british accent and go absolutely rogue. Not sure why she went Chinese, but hey it’s working out for her. She is pretty good at it and will only get better in time. Personally I would have went full language change. Just start speaking the little Spanish I know over and over again until I pick up new words and develop a beast of a vocabulary. Change your accent all you want hunny, but don’t start crying Chinese wolf on us. You and the 150 other cases in the world just need to own up to what you’re doing. No one will hate you for it.

-MattyV

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