Monster Blog Wednesday: Zombie Apocalypse Competition
It seems like every other month a movie, tv show, or video game comes out that dances the line of a zombie apocalypse. Very rarely is it one man/woman against the undead. Here at average nobodies, we get into the argument of, “who would be your side kick during a zombie apocalypse” once a week. So during this weeks monster blog were each choosing a male and female companion during the zombie apocalypse as a 3 person team. Go!
Here are the rules:
-state your male and female sidekick (real life or fictional figure)
-why did you choose them?
-strengths during zombie apocolypse
-weapons and skills
I picked Rambo for his obvious survival skills. He dudes a killing machine. No emotions, and will lay it all on the line for survival. I almost didn’t pick him on behalf of my female companion cause I don’t want him cramping smy style. But Rambo has no soul, and no interest in female contact. Problem solved. His skills include hand to hand combat, marksmanship with a gun or bow, living off the land, and living as a ghost. Our team chemistry would be shaky at first but I would be the honey to his vinegar, the stylish one of the group if you will.
Now my female companion? I’m goin with Lara Croft, video game and movie heroine. This bitch is fearless, lives in a monstrous house, resources like Bruce Wayne (shit I should’ve picked him), and not to mention s.t.a.c.k.e.d. She can also make the tough decision on a road of troubled times. Also, experience with the supernatural. She was made to be mine. I will be the womb raider to her tomb raider. As for our chemistry. Nothing short of phenomenal. I can be the strong willed assertive man she needs and she can be the hardcore bitch I’ve always dreamed of. Together we will repopulate the planet full of ridiculously good looking badasses with fantastic hair. Rambo is more of an insurance policy, but we can all learn from each other to dominate zombies and take back our freedom! (Sorry I got all worked up)
– George Clooney
Easy pick. It’s like asking would I rather breathe air or live in airless tank filled with deadly sharks. I’m going with Clooney for a few reasons:
1. I’m obsessed with him, on every level
2. He’s a master of adapting to his surroundings. If I need a killing machine, I enlist “The American” Clooney. If I want to get romantic (fingers crossed) I enlist “One Fine Day” Clooney. If I need to outsmart the zombies? “Oceans Eleven” Clooney. If I need emergency surgery? He was a doctor on E.R. The list goes on and on. If I had to compare our team chemistry to any two people, it would be Noah and Allie from The Notebook. Two people madly in love with each other, killing zombies and skinny dipping in Lake Como.
Female companion: Gwyneth Paltrow. I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. First chance I get I’m sticking a sharp object through her entitled brain. This world is only big enough for one passionate love affair, and that’s me and Clooney. Once we kill Gwyneth and the survive the zombie apocalypse, we retire to Italy and start a private detective agency. Game. Set. Clooney.
Is this even a question? I’m taking Bear as my male companion in a split second. There isn’t even a debate. The man who wins “vs. wild” every time. The guy can survive, with ease, in any environment and can procure food and water with nothing more than an empty water bottle and a sharpened stick. The only other person that could do this would maybe be David Copperfield. The guy is so skilled that normal survival isn’t enough for him, he has to make it a challenge. Walk the tundra? Nope, I’m gonna throw myself off a cliff. Stay dry? Nope, I’m gonna jump in this ice water. The only thing I’m worried about is team chemistry. For all I know Bear will wake up in the middle of the night and start eating my feet. A wildcard for sure, but i’ll take this wildcard anyday.
The orignal bad girl is back from the dead and ready to kick some zombie ass. Here is how her dating profile would read: “Loves long walks on the beach, watching the sunset, and taking down Skynet.” You think zombies are tough? Try taking out a T-800 with your bare hands. Although I fear that she and Bear would run off together, leaving me to die a slow painful death, I am willing to take the chance. And Sarah, cut the cord with your son. Kid can handle himself.
P.S. Honorable mention: Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom. WHY? He has two degrees (including his juris doctorate, which he got in prison)and escaped from prison twice…Oh…and he likes to brag that he killed more men than cancer.
First let me start by saying I wouldn’t NEED anyone’s help. I’m pretty good at the Nazi Zombies video game and from what I hear that’s a more than adequate gauge of one’s ability to survive a zombie apocalypse. But for the sake of Monsterblog Wednesday, I’ll play along.
-Daenerys “Stormborn” Targaryen
She has three dragons. Let that sink in… And it’s not the kind of thing where they can turn on her or run away, she’s their mother. Zero reliability , 100% dependability. She’s a strong willed, high spirited leader with a knack for bringing people into her army, very useful should we find any useful survivors along the way. Not to mention by the time a zombie apocalypse rolls around she will have already fought a bazillion white walkers which are basically zombies on crack. Even if I get friend-zoned Jorah Mormont style, there are worse fates.
And now for my ringer, undeniably the greatest zombie companion out there,
-Byron “Buster” Bluth
Do I really have to explain myself? Fine. Loyal to a fault, Buster wouldn’t think twice about running distraction duty while a horde of zombies chase after this unbeatable trio. He’s a master cartographer, an expert in 18th century Agrarian business (good for hostile take overs of the current makeshift society as we rebuild humanity), experienced archaeologist, a trained US Army soldier and let’s not forget about the badass zombie trashing hook permanently attached to his left arm. In fact, he’s starting to make me question my own usefulness in the zombie apocalypse. Plus he is the more likely candidate to get friend-zoned by Dany.
P.S. I think I need a painting of the three of us riding the dragons into an epic zombie battle with flaming swords and rocket launchers and I think I need it pre-imediately.
This Police Officer Just Reinvented the Pepper Spray Protestors Game Forever
I’ve never seen such fury, such tenacity, such determination. He’s treating these protestors like they’re Nazi Zombies just plowing through them with no regard for human life! Hard as a Mother Fucker, no prisoners, no mercy. About to fall? Nope, caches his balance and continues ruining these people’s day without missing a beat. If i had half this determination I would be a billionaire by now.