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Amazon Customer Reviews: ‘How To Avoid Big Ships’ By John W. Trimmer

I’m pretty excited for this one. Let’s get to the reviews.

‘How To Avoid Big Ships’

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WHY NO KINDLE EDITION??????

Given that there is a huge ship bearing down on me RIGHT NOW I am extremely disappointed that I cannot get inst

 

Caution: Check the title before purchase

I live near a park and frequently walk around the local area. Given the amount of dog mess that is on the pavements I thought this book would be the ideal read to stop me having to scrape my shoes on the grass before going home. It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realised it said ‘How to Avoid Huge SHIPS’. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement. Having said that, I read the book anyway, and I’m pleased to say I’m not even having near misses with huge ships anymore. No sir, they aint getting anywhere near me!

 

Excellent book! No more accidents for me!

As an Iceberg i can say that this book was a great help to me and my spiraling depression. Being larger than a huge ship has given me problems such as running into them without knowing it and sometimes sending them into panic even if i don’t. John W. Trimmer has truly brought me past my self defeating depression in giving me the confidence knowing that i will never repeat the same mistake I made April 14 1912. Thanks Captain!

 

Now my ship can FINALLY come in

All my life, people told me that “one day my ship would finally come in”. Naturally, I was terrified. What if my ship was huge?

To avoid this outcome – I sabotaged myself; dropping out of school at age 8, and replacing the milk on my daily cereal with a homemade mixture of moonshine and wallpaper paste.

Since reading this book – I finally got over my fears and decided to become successful. This week alone I have started my own talk show, written a classical opera, taught myself to read and write (both English and Hindu), and invented the iFire – a fireplace you can control like a touchscreen by simply ramming your fist into the naked flames.

Pre-orders are already worth $4 billion. Thank you John W. Trimmer!!

 

Invaluable until you know it only applies to ships

I’m now getting tired of constantly running into huge space shuttles. Huge ships used to be a massive problem. After reading this, not one ship have I encountered. Well, that’s a lie. I’ve run into a few tiny ships, but the book on avoiding those isn’t out til 2023. So, not an issue. However, the huge space shuttles are proving to be a constant annoyance. I’ve had to devise my own methods in avoiding them. I’ve even tried applying this book by changing the word ‘ships’ with ‘space shuttles’ but, obviously this is futile.

 

Any tips or suggestions for amazon products you want featured? Send them to @averagenobodies.

– Ryan

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Monster Blog Wednesday: Favorite Season Finale Moments

Game of Thrones season four is coming to an end this Sunday, so we decided to look back and find our favorite season finale moments from television’s past.

The Sopranos Season 2 Finale “Funhouse” –  Big Pussy’s Death

Although we saw it coming, the death of Sal “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero was still heartbreaking and violent. It was a stark reminder that there are rules to be followed in  Tony Soprano’s world, and if you break those rules, best friend or not, you’ll sleep with the fishes. While friendship isn’t exactly a major theme in the  Soprano’s, Tony’s crew relied on each other to survive in the cutthroat world of organized crime. As you might expect, Big Pussy wasn’t the first or last cog to fall during the Soprano’s run, but his death was one of the most important in the series.

– Ryan

Breaking Bad Season 4 Finale “Face Off” –  The Death of Gus and the Rise of Heisenberg.

In one of Heisenberg’s most devious plans he turns his once nemesis, Hector Salamanca, into his interment of death but taking down the fried chicken king with a bell, a pipe bomb, and the element of surprise. When I was watching this episode unfold I had no idea that Gus would go this way. I had a feeling his days were numbered as Walter became more and more like the devil incarnate, but I had no idea he would go like this. The ultimate “fuck you” move has to be settling the score by taking your lifetime enemy down with you. And of course, who comes out on top? Walter White.

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-Matt

 

Sorry Ms. Jackson: Outkast IS Reuniting to Co-Headline Coachella

After months of speculation, it's finally confirmed that the Atlanta duo will headline the fest, along with Muse and the Arcade Fire.

Coachella just got a little bit funkier. The world misses the collaborations of Andre 3000 and Big Boi, and lucky for us, the wait is finally over. I can’t wait to see what the crazy talented group have in store for us.

– Ryan

H/T Buzzfeed

Miley Cyrus Somehow Managed Not To Be the Most Disturbing Person in a Picture

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Smart move by Miley. She doesn’t have to change her insane ways in 2014. She just has to hang out with people who make her look normal. Step 1: hang out with the woman who has the worlds largest boobs. Step 2: success.

– Ryan

H/T Reddit

Marijuana is About to Go Corporate

The big story today is marijuana is about to become that much closer to full legality. Not sure if that’s a real phrase but it is now. A 100 million dollar marijuana company is about to form in Washington state and I am going to buy stock pre-immediately (I’m killing it with new phrases today). Right now its being called ‘Big Marijuana’ which is an obvious spin off of ‘Big Tobacco’ (which is probably not the best marketing choice) but they plan to change it’s name as the company comes to fruition.

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And the mastermind behind all this? A guy named Jamen Shively, no idea how to say that but I’m going to with Jammin’ because that’s both awesome and, when referred to the Bob Marley song, very appropriate. Oh and by the way he’s been endorsed by Vicente Fox, another awesome name, who happens to be an ex-Coca Cola exec; but then he got bored of heading up one of the worlds biggest Fortune 500 companies and decided to retire and become the president of Mexico. An obvious next step.

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(Jamen kinda looks like a hippie Bill Gates right? How many signs of success do you need?)

I’ve never been so sure that a company is going to experience so much success. Marijuana + Jamen + 100 mil. How can you go wrong? Except maybe your product is still mostly illegal. But who’s counting. I’m excited!

-Sean Lite-

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