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Mean Tweets: NFL Edition

Mean Tweets is back on Jimmy Kimmel Live and this time the targets of these horrible tweets are NFL players. These people sending tweets better hope they can’t find where you live, becausee i’m pretty confident that Clay Matthews could rip a human in half.

-Matt

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Amazon Customer Reviews: ‘How To Avoid Big Ships’ By John W. Trimmer

I’m pretty excited for this one. Let’s get to the reviews.

‘How To Avoid Big Ships’

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WHY NO KINDLE EDITION??????

Given that there is a huge ship bearing down on me RIGHT NOW I am extremely disappointed that I cannot get inst

 

Caution: Check the title before purchase

I live near a park and frequently walk around the local area. Given the amount of dog mess that is on the pavements I thought this book would be the ideal read to stop me having to scrape my shoes on the grass before going home. It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realised it said ‘How to Avoid Huge SHIPS’. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement. Having said that, I read the book anyway, and I’m pleased to say I’m not even having near misses with huge ships anymore. No sir, they aint getting anywhere near me!

 

Excellent book! No more accidents for me!

As an Iceberg i can say that this book was a great help to me and my spiraling depression. Being larger than a huge ship has given me problems such as running into them without knowing it and sometimes sending them into panic even if i don’t. John W. Trimmer has truly brought me past my self defeating depression in giving me the confidence knowing that i will never repeat the same mistake I made April 14 1912. Thanks Captain!

 

Now my ship can FINALLY come in

All my life, people told me that “one day my ship would finally come in”. Naturally, I was terrified. What if my ship was huge?

To avoid this outcome – I sabotaged myself; dropping out of school at age 8, and replacing the milk on my daily cereal with a homemade mixture of moonshine and wallpaper paste.

Since reading this book – I finally got over my fears and decided to become successful. This week alone I have started my own talk show, written a classical opera, taught myself to read and write (both English and Hindu), and invented the iFire – a fireplace you can control like a touchscreen by simply ramming your fist into the naked flames.

Pre-orders are already worth $4 billion. Thank you John W. Trimmer!!

 

Invaluable until you know it only applies to ships

I’m now getting tired of constantly running into huge space shuttles. Huge ships used to be a massive problem. After reading this, not one ship have I encountered. Well, that’s a lie. I’ve run into a few tiny ships, but the book on avoiding those isn’t out til 2023. So, not an issue. However, the huge space shuttles are proving to be a constant annoyance. I’ve had to devise my own methods in avoiding them. I’ve even tried applying this book by changing the word ‘ships’ with ‘space shuttles’ but, obviously this is futile.

 

Any tips or suggestions for amazon products you want featured? Send them to @averagenobodies.

– Ryan

After What Feels Like Forever, The ‘Dumb and Dumber To’ Trailer is Finally Here

Lloyd Christmas (still my favorite movie character name ever) and Harry Dunn stopped by The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to finally drop the long anticipated trailer for “Dumb and Dumber To”. There’s really no use writing about the actual scenes in the trailer, because you have to watch it for yourself. Let’s just say I’ve never had more faith in a sequel than I have in this movie. It’s also remarkable how neither of them looked like they’ve aged a single minute in that trailer. The haircuts look the same, and let’s just say Lloyd took his shaving ketchup joke up a few notches in the opening scene in the trailer. Long live the goofballs.

– Ryan

P.S. This trailer gets our seal of approval.

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Oh Happy Day – Dumb and Dumber To Trailer Will Be Released This Tuesday on The Tonight Show

Well this is the best news since sliced bread, and I LOVE sliced bread. Dumb and Dumber is one of the funniest movies of all time and is easily the most re-watchable comedy ever. I’ve seen it at least 100 times and find a new favorite scene/line each time. It’s also very cool that they’re releasing it on The Tonight Show. Instead of just a random release before some comedy movie this summer, The Tonight Show release gives it a big movie feel. Plus, anytime you can get Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in a room together, magic is about to happen. I can’t wait for Tuesday, and I can’t wait for November 14th. Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!

– Ryan

Wolfgang Bosbach’s Humble Brag Move in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Blew Up in His Face

WolfA friend of German Chancellor Angela Merkel phoned her during the country’s version of “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”, only to get the leader’s voicemail – twice.

Wolfgang Bosbach , a member of Merkel’s conservative Christian Democrats, made the calls as part of the “phone-a-friend” lifeline of the show, but had no luck.

He was trying to get Merkel, who has been Germany’s head of state since 2005, to answer a question about an East German washing machine.

Merkel grew up in the German Democratic Republic, which was part of the Soviet Union.

The question was what made the East German WM66 washing machine legendary. The answer was because people used it to stew fruit.

Bosbach would have won almost $700,000 for charitable causes if he had got the question right.

Instead, he decided to quit on $170,000.

Shame

Shame on you, Wolfgang. The number one rule of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire is don’t count your chickens before  they’re hatched. So you get a question that you don’t know, and elect to use your “phone a friend” lifeline. Who do you call? The most important/busiest person in your entire country. Suave move. I’m sure she’s sitting at home eating whatever German people eat just waiting for your call. Not only did you let me down, but you let down the great people of Germany. This should be a lesson to all those people out there who think Who Wants to Be a Millionaire is such an easy game: if you fail to prepare, prepare to fail. On a side note, Wolfgang is an unbelievably badass name and I wish my mom named me that.

– Ryan

Charlize Theron’s SNL Promo’s Are Here & Man Is She Gorgeous

It’s an undeniable fact that Charlize Theron is gorgeous, but she kind of sneaks under the radar sometimes. Whenever these beautiful people lists come up she never seems to float to the top but she absolutely should. Short hair, long hair, no hair. She’s just got that face that makes you forget where the hell you are. As far as hosting SNL, this is her second time, with the first being way back in the year 2000. She’s a pro, so I can’t see her flopping, and with her there promoting A Million Ways To Die in the West, I’m hoping for a cameo or two from some of her co stars. Seth Macfarlane? NPH? Liam Neeson? Maybe even her new lover Sean Penn? Possiblities are endless. The Black Keys doing the singing is just a major bonus. I can’t wait for Saturday night.

– Ryan

Arnold Schwarzenegger Had One Hell of a Night Last Night

66 years old and still kicking ass. New York City to tape The Tonight Show, Brooklyn for Monday Night Raw. All in a days work when you’re the Governator. I wouldn’t be surprised if he took a helicopter to get to Raw, just because he could. If Arnold actually worked for QVC and sold vegetable choppers I think I’d throw away all my kitchen ware and primarily eat chopped vegetables. Just a monster of a salesmen. Now I NEED to see Sabotage. If movies stuiods were smart they would just send Arnold out to various talks shows and live events and have him charm peoples asses off. Guaranteed box office success.

P.S. Nobody backhands like Arnold backhands.

-Ryan

Shakira and Rihanna’s New Music Video Made Me Feel Things

This video was better than most soft core porns I’ve watched. Not that I watch a lot of soft core porn, but you get the point. The chica from Colombia and the beauty from Barbados need to team up more often, because now every music video I watch will be a terrible let down. For now, let’s enjoy the music.

– Ryan

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