This Friday is the first day of August, and the month after August is September, and September means FOOTBALL. Praise Bill Paxton. Every Monster Blog from today until Packers/Seahawks on September 4th will be dedicated to football in some way. This week’s monster blog is focused on the Madden video game. John Madden did a lot of great things in his day: revolutionized bus travel, won super bowls, became a broadcasting legend, and most importantly, created the Madden video game. While a lot of people like to focus on the Madden curse, the Average Nobodies focus on the positives in life, like having a murderer on the cover of your video game. Anyway, here are our choices:
Madden ’05 – Ray Lewis
I figured I’d get right to the murderer part, because when you have a chance to put a guy who went through a sketchy murder trial on the cover of your video game marketed to children, you do it. Besides that, the mid 2000’s Madden’s were awesome because the talent pool was insane. Ray Lewis was murdering the league on defense. Daunte Culpepper was murdering the league on offense. You had the end of the “greatest show on turf” with the Rams. All that made Madden the best sports game during this time period. As a defensive specialist kind of player, I loved playing as the Ravens and just blitzing the shit out of my opponents. A lot of people don’t like those 10-7 wins, but I thrive on them. Just win, baby.
Madden 04 – Mike Vick
My Madden cover, like Ryan’s, comes form the golden age of Madden. The days when you turn on a game and get the “EA Sports, it’s in the game” little cameos by the actually players. Those were so awesome. Every time I turned on my game I would hope to see a different player! It was a magical time that has since passed and will never again be revisited, but the real reason that chose this cover was purely for the man on it. No, not the dog killer, Mike Vick, i’m talking about the 250 rushing yards and 5 touchdowns, Mike Vick. Never before and never again will a player be so dominate in a video game. People might argue that 2006-08 LT is the better choice, but he was a running back. Mike Vick could literally be your whole team. The ball never needed to touch anther players hands. Touchdown city, population Michael Vick.
Battleground is this Sunday. John Cena is defending his title in the main event and all is right with the world. Let’s get to the predictions.
Naomi vs. Cameron
It looks like the Funkadactyls are really splitting up (tear). Naomi is far more interesting/athletic than Cameron, so I’m hoping she pulls out a victory here. It looked like Naomi was going to be the #1 contender for Paige’s title, but then AJ Lee came back, which is a far more interesting feud for Paige. Most likely scenario: Naomi defeats Cameron, then get’s a beat down post match from Cameron and the resident lunatic Alicia Fox. Most unlikely scenario: Brodus Clay comes back and T-Bone suplexes everyone.
AJ Lee vs. Paige (WWE Divas Championship Match)
The main reason I like this feud is because both ladies can play their natural characters. AJ Lee looks like a baby face, Paige looks like a heel. AJ takes some time off to get married to he who shall not be named, and when she comes back, she’s a baby face. Paige has been an undercover heel ever since she “came out to congratulate” AJ on the Raw after WrestleMania, so why not just push her all the way. Most likely scenario: AJ retains, setting up a rematch at Summerslam where Paige gets her true big moment with a title win. Most unlikely scenario: CM Punk comes back as the special guest referee, turns on AJ and proposes to Paige in the middle of the ring.
Jack Swagger vs. Rusev (USA vs. Russia!)
In case you missed Monday’s Raw, the Rusev/Lana vs. Swagger/Colter détente was the best segment of the show. Most of the credit for this great buildup has to go to Lana and Rusev, because wrestling 101 says you can’t have a loved baby face without a hated heel. The best part about this whole thing is Swagger and Colter have not changed a bit. They still defend America, they still hate foreigners, except this time we hate the foreigners too. Lana is so pitch perfect in her role, and she’s gone from smart heel (America is crumbling) to crazy heel (America is stupid) which is very important. It’s tough to hate a heel when everything they’re saying is right. It’s easy to hate a heel when they’re just ignorant. Most likely scenario: I really want Rusev to win here. I think it’s too early to break his undefeated streak, and this is the best WWE has built up a wrestler in awhile. This is exacly how they should of built up Ryback, with squash matches to start then slowly challenge him with real threats. Rusev with the Accolade for the win. Most unlike scenario: Colter/Obama rush the ring to save Swagger from a Lana/Rusev/Putin three on one attack.
Intercontinental Title Battle Royal
Poor Bad News Barrett. Not only did he have to forfeit his title, but now he has to sit ringside Sunday and watch somebody else take it from him. There’s a lot of quality talent in this match, and I’m assuming whoever wins will be feuding with BNB upon his return. My two picks would be Cesaro and Bo Dallas. Cesaro because he’s the best guy in the match, and he really needs some direction. Bo Dallas because he’s the best heel in this match, and I’m assuming BNB comes back as a baby face. Plus, imagine that victory lap after a title win!? Most likely scenario: Cesaro wins and continues his over the top rope battle royal dominance. Most unlikely scenario: Zack Ryder lasts more than 12 seconds.
Ric Flair vs. The Ring
Just kidding. That would be good though.
The Uso’s vs. Harper & Rowan (2 out of 3 Falls for the Tag Team Championship)
I thoroughly enjoyed this match at MITB, and I have zero problem giving these teams enough time to put on a classic. The usual recipe for 2 out of 3 falls matches are a quick first fall, then the other team winning the second fall setting up a third and final winners take all match. The Uso’s have been great as tag team champs, but I love @akathemaskedman’s prediction of Harper & Rowan winning here, setting up a feud with Goldust and Stardust at Summerslam. If that happens, WWE can take all my money, and the tag team scene will officially be back on the map. Most likely scenario: Harper & Rowan win, and we finally have a true heel(s) as a champion. Most unlikely scenario: The Uso’s pull a Bella twins magic switch to retain and I light myself on fire.
Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho
This is the feud that will prove WWE is taking Wyatt seriously as a performer. He’s feuded with top stars (Bryan, Cena) but has looked like absolute shit. I think people are so caught up in the uniqueness of the character that they refuse to see anything wrong with it. Don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing. He’s magic on the microphone and he’s getting better and better in the ring. He adds little subtleties to his character, like the spider walk, or making his own shirts, that are awesome. But his promo got “boring” chants on Raw, and while the crowd was dumb for chanting it, I definitely understand it. Uproxx wrote an article on five ways to tweak his character, and I love their points. He says he doesn’t care about wins and losses, yet whenever he’s losing, Harper & Rowan rush the ring to make sure he doesn’t lose. He says he wants to change John Cena, bring out the darkness in him, then he loses two out of three PPV matches and moves on. Part of this is WWE’s fault, but part of it has to fall on the performer. Who cares about the little girl who had no friends in high school. Who cares about the having the whole world in your hands. Fuck the fans. Adapt that CM Punk cult personality and show everyone why you’re right and they’re wrong. He’s got the right dance partner in baby face Jericho, so let’s see if this is the feud that puts Wyatt over the top. Most likely scenario: Jericho steals a non convincing victory, because this feud should go on for a few more PPV’s. Most unlikely scenario: Wyatt get’s distracted by Jericho’s light up jacket, falls out of his rocking chair, and we never see him again.
Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
AKA the match of the night. There’s no reason these two shouldn’t go out and just tear the house down. They’re familiar with each other, and they have a clear reason to be fighting: Rollins turned his back on his brother to be a corporate yuppie, and you don’t turn your back on a legitimate psycho. I expect Ambrose to be the brawler and Rollins to duck and cover for the beginning of this match, but then they should fly. Most likely scenario: Rollins wins, possibly with some help from The Authority. Most unlikely scenario: Dean Ambrose gets on the microphone post match and declares his new name is Jeans Ambrose.
John Cena vs. Roman Reigns vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton – Fatal Four Way WWE Championship Match
Cena wins. That much is clear. But this should be a good showcase for Roman Reigns, the heir apparent to the baby face throne. Kane and Orton have also been teasing a lot of tension lately, so I wouldn’t be surprised if their bickering led to Cena pinning either one of them to retain. This will lead to Plan B, which is Seth Rollins, but since Plan B is always interrupted by Jeans Ambrose (his new name now. it has been decided), HHH will have no other option but to go with Paul Heyman’s Plan C, Brock Lesnar. I don’t think Lesnar shows up at Battleground, but his return is looming. Hopefully this match serves three purposes: get Reigns out of the title picture for now and have him feud with Orton/HHH. Have Cena move on and get his ass kicked by Lesnar. Have Kane retire forever. Most likely scenario: And still WWE Champion, JAAAAHHHHNN Ceeeennnaaa. Most unlikely scenario: anything else.
Enjoy the PPV, and follow us @averagenobodies as we’ll be live tweeting. I’ll make a lot of Jeans Ambrose jokes. Have a good weekend everybody.
SNL – Three more cast members of “Saturday Night Live” will not return to the late-night sketch-comedy show’s 40th season this fall.
The Hollywood Reporter said Tuesday that featured players Noël Wells, 27, and John Milhiser, 32, did not have their contracts renewed.
The news comes a day after another featured player, Brooks Wheelan, 27, tweeted, “Had a blast and loved every second of it. I’m totally honored to be able to make this next joke . . . FIRED FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”
In December, Fox had announced that cast member Nasim Pedrad, 32, had joined the network’s upcoming sitcom “Mulaney.”
NBC did not comment on the report.
Well at least I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. Of all the cast members last year, Wheelan, Milhiser and Wells had the least amount of impact/screen time, so it definitely makes sense that they wouldn’t be back this year. Nasim Pedrad is kind of a kick to the balls, especially because she did such a great Kim Kardashian impression, and making fun of Kim Kardashian will never, ever get old. I also loved her recurring characters Heshy and Shallon, so her leaving for “Mulaney” definitely sucks. At least we’ll always have the memories.
I’m pretty excited for this one. Let’s get to the reviews.
WHY NO KINDLE EDITION??????
Given that there is a huge ship bearing down on me RIGHT NOW I am extremely disappointed that I cannot get inst
Caution: Check the title before purchase
I live near a park and frequently walk around the local area. Given the amount of dog mess that is on the pavements I thought this book would be the ideal read to stop me having to scrape my shoes on the grass before going home. It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realised it said ‘How to Avoid Huge SHIPS’. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement. Having said that, I read the book anyway, and I’m pleased to say I’m not even having near misses with huge ships anymore. No sir, they aint getting anywhere near me!
Excellent book! No more accidents for me!
As an Iceberg i can say that this book was a great help to me and my spiraling depression. Being larger than a huge ship has given me problems such as running into them without knowing it and sometimes sending them into panic even if i don’t. John W. Trimmer has truly brought me past my self defeating depression in giving me the confidence knowing that i will never repeat the same mistake I made April 14 1912. Thanks Captain!
Now my ship can FINALLY come in
All my life, people told me that “one day my ship would finally come in”. Naturally, I was terrified. What if my ship was huge?
To avoid this outcome – I sabotaged myself; dropping out of school at age 8, and replacing the milk on my daily cereal with a homemade mixture of moonshine and wallpaper paste.
Since reading this book – I finally got over my fears and decided to become successful. This week alone I have started my own talk show, written a classical opera, taught myself to read and write (both English and Hindu), and invented the iFire – a fireplace you can control like a touchscreen by simply ramming your fist into the naked flames.
Pre-orders are already worth $4 billion. Thank you John W. Trimmer!!
Invaluable until you know it only applies to ships
I’m now getting tired of constantly running into huge space shuttles. Huge ships used to be a massive problem. After reading this, not one ship have I encountered. Well, that’s a lie. I’ve run into a few tiny ships, but the book on avoiding those isn’t out til 2023. So, not an issue. However, the huge space shuttles are proving to be a constant annoyance. I’ve had to devise my own methods in avoiding them. I’ve even tried applying this book by changing the word ‘ships’ with ‘space shuttles’ but, obviously this is futile.
Any tips or suggestions for amazon products you want featured? Send them to @averagenobodies.
We were live in Boston last night for the MITB pay per view, which was awesome. The night ended with WWE’s golden boy, John Cena, climbing the ladder and grabbing the titles to become the new champion. It was predictable, but it also made sense, especially if Brock Lesnar’s return is as imminent as everyone thinks. Raw should be must see tonight!
Money in the Bank is live from Boston this Sunday, and the Average Nobodies will be there. Look for the 8 very inebriated guys wearing ref shirts and screaming obscenities while children look on in horror. Rusev/Big E and Summer Rae/Layla are rumored to be game day add on’s, but for the love of Bill Paxton, please no. Just send Lana out to warm up the crowd because we likey, but leave the other four in the back. Here are our predictions for the pay per view:
<Paige (C) vs. Naomi
For whatever reason (not enough TV time, not enough talent) the Diva’s division has been the weak link in the WWE for a long time. With the mini resurgence of the tag team division, and legitimate stars like Bad News Barrett and Sheamus holding the IC and US titles, the Diva’s division is low on the totem pole by a large margin. With AJ Lee seemingly not returning anytime soon, it’s up to this current crop of Divas to lead the charge. This should be a fun, quick match: Paige has been impressive when given enough time, and Naomi is the most athletic Diva when she’s not busy getting her eyeball kneed into her brain. WWE has been teasing a Funkadactyls breakup for a few weeks now, so we can see Cameron costing Naomi the match here and Paige retaining.
Goldust & Stardust vs. Rybaxel
Say what you will about Stardust, but he’s different. The most common complaint among WWE fans is that wrestling is too predictable and boring, and now that we have Stardust, he’s too over the top and weird. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE. Cody Rhodes is a great performer, whether he’s wearing a facemask or face paint, so as long as he’s in the ring I’m happy. Goldust is enjoying one of the best stretches of his career, and combined with Cody’s newfound persona, they have the potential to be a really fun tag team. On the flipside, Rybaxel have found their latest niche, and have some serious chemistry as a tag team. Goldust and a variety of partners have been fighting Rybaxel for what seems like years now, but I think the addition of Stardust can give this match the freshness it needs. Fingers crossed for Sin Cara-esque mood lighting, and we see Goldust and Stardust continue their momentum and grab a strong win.
The Uso’s (C) vs. Harper & Rowan
If this event didn’t showcase two ladder matches, I’d say the tag team title match between The Uso’s and Harper & Rowan would have a chance to steal the show. Either way, I expect this match to be exciting, mostly because it has the perfect dynamic: agile, popular faces versus tough, monster heels. Both of these teams look best when their opponents really sell their moves, and The Uso’s REALLY sell moves, while Harper & Rowan can really move and eat planchas and super kicks. Look for Harper & Rowan to control most of the match with their overwhelming power, but hopefully The Uso’s will retain, continuing this feud until Summerslam when Harper & Rowan nab the gold. Also, very excited to experience Harper & Rowan’s new entrance live. If you haven’t seen it yet, watch the video above or check out our post on it.
MITB Ladder Match For the Briefcase: Seth Rollins v. Dean Ambrose v. RVD. v. Kofi Kingston v. Jack Swagger v. Dolph Ziggler v. Bad News Barrett (?)
The question mark is after Bad News Barrett’s name because apparently Jack Swagger hates when other wrestlers gain momentum. Swagger tossed Barrett into the barricade on Smackdown this week and separated his shoulder. With Barrett most likely out of the match, the favorites to win have to be Rollins and Ambrose. They have the only “feud within the match” storyline, and look for Ambrose to do everything in his power to make sure Seth Rollins doesn’t grab that briefcase. Which means Seth Rollins will grab that briefcase. While I’d love to see Ziggler win, Rollins winning makes the most sense. He just turned heel, and has aligned himself with The Authority. Getting the briefcase is the boost his new character could benefit from, and also adds another dimension to the Ambrose/Rollins that will probably continue on after the pay per view. Swagger, Kofi, RVD and Ziggler round out a stellar cast for this match, and it should feature spots galore. And if WWE needs a replacement for BNB, we’ve got you covered:
MITB Ladder Match For the Title: John Cena v. Randy Orton v. Sheamus v. Alberto Del Rio v. Cesaro v. Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns v. Kane
(Couldn’t find a picture with Kane in it which pretty much sums up his chances)
It’s fun to be optimistic sometimes, and predict that a real fan favorite (Reigns) or a bad guy who’s turning into a fan favorite (Wyatt) is going to win this match. But then you see this bright green shadow decked out in arm bands and jorts and you come back to reality. Nothing would be better than having one of the younger guys (Cesaro, Reigns, Wyatt) end the show standing atop the ladder with both titles, but it’s just not going to happen. In the long run, that’s a good thing. There is a certain streak conqueror we haven’t seen since WrestleMania who will absolutely be back in the next month or so (or sooner, see below) and that Beast will be coming for the WWE champion. Giving any of those guys their first major title only to have them get destroyed by Lesnar at Summerslam makes zero sense. While Cena winning may suck at first, it makes sense. Lesnar/Cena will draw in the fans and the viewers for the pay per view, and the rest of the participants in the MITB title match aren’t hurt by a loss because not only did they lose to Super Cena, but neither of them were pinned or submitted. So Cena will most likely end the pay per view atop the ladder, but don’t rule out Lesnar storming the ring post match and laying him out, sending the crowd into a frenzy and making this Monday’s Raw a must-see.
– The Average Nobodies
This skit is from one of Jimmy Fallon’s final “Late Night” shows, where the guys from Full House (Saget, Stamos, Joey) show up and help him make his decision to take over The Tonight Show. Two takeaways: John Stamos ages like a fine wine and Jimmy Fallon’s make believe bedroom is what nightmares are made of.