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Be Still My Beating Heart…Seriously Be Still, I Feel Like I’m Having a Heart Attack From all this Surge

For anyone who drank soda in the 90’s you knew two things. 1. Pepsi Blue was ahead of its time and 2. Surge was the greatest soda of all time. ALL MOTHER FUCKING TIME. Great news came across my iPhone today, Surge is back and exclusively on Amazon.com. Get a dozen cans for 14.99. I fully expect to buy AT LEAST 4 cases. Get yours here.

-Matt

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Amazon Customer Reviews: ‘How To Avoid Big Ships’ By John W. Trimmer

I’m pretty excited for this one. Let’s get to the reviews.

‘How To Avoid Big Ships’

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WHY NO KINDLE EDITION??????

Given that there is a huge ship bearing down on me RIGHT NOW I am extremely disappointed that I cannot get inst

 

Caution: Check the title before purchase

I live near a park and frequently walk around the local area. Given the amount of dog mess that is on the pavements I thought this book would be the ideal read to stop me having to scrape my shoes on the grass before going home. It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realised it said ‘How to Avoid Huge SHIPS’. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement. Having said that, I read the book anyway, and I’m pleased to say I’m not even having near misses with huge ships anymore. No sir, they aint getting anywhere near me!

 

Excellent book! No more accidents for me!

As an Iceberg i can say that this book was a great help to me and my spiraling depression. Being larger than a huge ship has given me problems such as running into them without knowing it and sometimes sending them into panic even if i don’t. John W. Trimmer has truly brought me past my self defeating depression in giving me the confidence knowing that i will never repeat the same mistake I made April 14 1912. Thanks Captain!

 

Now my ship can FINALLY come in

All my life, people told me that “one day my ship would finally come in”. Naturally, I was terrified. What if my ship was huge?

To avoid this outcome – I sabotaged myself; dropping out of school at age 8, and replacing the milk on my daily cereal with a homemade mixture of moonshine and wallpaper paste.

Since reading this book – I finally got over my fears and decided to become successful. This week alone I have started my own talk show, written a classical opera, taught myself to read and write (both English and Hindu), and invented the iFire – a fireplace you can control like a touchscreen by simply ramming your fist into the naked flames.

Pre-orders are already worth $4 billion. Thank you John W. Trimmer!!

 

Invaluable until you know it only applies to ships

I’m now getting tired of constantly running into huge space shuttles. Huge ships used to be a massive problem. After reading this, not one ship have I encountered. Well, that’s a lie. I’ve run into a few tiny ships, but the book on avoiding those isn’t out til 2023. So, not an issue. However, the huge space shuttles are proving to be a constant annoyance. I’ve had to devise my own methods in avoiding them. I’ve even tried applying this book by changing the word ‘ships’ with ‘space shuttles’ but, obviously this is futile.

 

Any tips or suggestions for amazon products you want featured? Send them to @averagenobodies.

– Ryan

Amazon Customer Reviews: UFO-02 Detector

This one should be good. The reviews for products that people can actually wear or use have been dynamite, so I can only imagine what people have to say about a UFO Detector. As always, my 5 favorite reviews.

UFO-02 Detector

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Accurate and Faithful

This little gizmo is a bargain at twice the price and much more accurate than the voices in my head.

 

This not work!

We here. This thing not find us. It not work. We watch you from afar. You think, why we post on here? We post because we want become friend. We not like movie. We not want blow up congress. We not want steal water. We not want eat you. Most time not want put thing in butt. When human ready, we show you us. For now, we wait.

[not sure why the aliens are speaking in an Asian accent, but I’ll go with it]

 

This Is An Emergency Transmission

Please, someone, ANYONE- You have to help us. I don’t have much time! If my calculations are correct, it should be sometime in the year 2014 for whomever is reading this. They’re already among you. Lurking. Waiting. Biding their time.

I remember. I was there.

When they finally revealed themselves… It was a slaughter; we were overrun in days. The key to thwarting the invasion lies in this device, the UFO-02. By 2022 almost every American will have one. DO NOT BUY IT. THEY USE IT TO CONTROL US, TO TURN US AGAINST ONE ANOTHER, TO MASSACRE US.

Everyone is dead. The last pockets of survivors are living in caves and underground bunkers. My group ran out of food four days ago. We drank the last of the water yesterday morning. Ammunition is scarce. I am only risking contact because our group is already lost. We plan to make our final stand at sundown, to make one last assault against their li- wait, what’s that? Who’s- Oh God, THEY’RE HERE. THEY’VE FOUND US!

TO ARMS! TO ARMS, COMRADES! ATTTAAAAAACK! ATTAAAAA-

 

WARNING

Do not BUY this product! It is a scam. It doesn’t detect UFOs! It is a transmitter that sends a message to them giving them legal and moral consent to anal probe you! My neighbor learned the hard way and will never be the same!

LOL

[love the ‘LOL’. You got us good on that one.]

 

Intelligent Lifeforms Come Knocking

While I have roamed far and wide, I have had an extremely difficult time finding intelligent life here on Earth. Five minutes watching Fox News and I had just about given up hope and that the ‘Climate Change’ deniers, the ‘Intelligent Design’ proponents, the ‘We have A Muslim President’, and the ‘TSA is all about our security’ group were the only life forms in our neck of the galaxy.

I am now filled with hope my UFO-02 Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller will bring the smart ones to me so I can carry on an intelligent conversation. I carefully unpacked the device, left packaging feedback on Amazon, and plugged it into an outlet in my pyramid. Not five minutes passed before it lit up like a Christmas tree, lights flashing, sounds sounding, and buzzes buzzing. I ran to the door of my pyramid and saw a man standing there holding flyers for house cleaning services. I asked him if he was from another planet, but he simply said he was from out of town, got the job sticking the flyers in front door, and after spending one more night at the Holiday Inn Express, he was heading home.

Clearly I will need to do some minor adjustments to my UFO-02 Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller because it was close, but not close enough..

Excited? You betcha’

 

Any suggestions for Amazon customer reviews? Tweet us @averagenobodies. And watch out for those aliens. They’re feisty.

– Ryan

Amazon Customer Review: The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve T-Shirt

I used this page for the funny comments and I may or may not have ordered one because I fell in love with it. Wolf pack. As always, my five favorite customer reviews for the three wolves moon tee.

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Three wolves is just two wolves plus another wolf

I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn’t think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie.

 

Synergy

I accidentally spilled a glass of Tuscan Whole Milk down the front of this shirt, and my soul was torn from my body and thrown into heaven by a jealous God.

 

Very effective power shirt

Prepare yourself to enter a whole new realm of awesome. For years I made do with a one-wolf shirt with no moons and only had moderate life successes while wearing it. Upgrading to a three-wolf moon shirt was the best decision I have made thus far. I have experienced unbridled prosperity and monetary gains since being in possession of it. It all began when I wore it to a job interview and the CEO offered to give me the company as a tribute.

Upon becoming the new CEO, I made the required employee uniform any variant on a wolf/moon combo. Since then, my company’s stock has gained value, there is widespread morale improvement, and profit margins are growing wildly.

10 out of 10, would recommend.

 

As expected

I read the reviews for this, and I must say, I was a bit skeptical. I thought there were a group of cynics sarcastically expressing their opinions because of some internet fad. I decided to overlook it and give it a try for my own subjective experience, devoid of any opinion of the mass. As it turns out, it was snug, it was warm and cool simultaneously, and I could karate kick in it better than my Free Willy tee. My mother always told me that you need to dress to impress, and I’ve never walked into a board meeting since without drawing gazes. Though they are jealous, the Buddha says to share in their desire, so I bought tees for the whole executive branch. They were speechless. Everyone is speechless. I don’t get carded for cigarettes anymore, I have free reign over the tennis courts, and cops don’t ask me if I have any weapons in the car. I’m happy with my purchase, but it’s almost too good. So, four stars.

 

This shirt is all you need

Buying this shirt was the second best decision I’ve ever made. It was also the BEST decision I’ve ever made.
As soon as I put it on, I heard a great clap of thunder. I got three calls within the next five minutes, from people offering me jobs as a life coach. And all of a sudden everyone is “asking” about my relationship status on Facebook.

 

There you have it: the three wolf moon t-shirt is the greatest t-shirt in this or any other realm. The Amazon reviews never lie. Any suggestions, or items you want to see the reviews of, send us a tweet @averagenobodies.

– Ryan

Amazon Customer Reviews – HARIBO Teddy Bears

“Just don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate.”

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If these reviews are any indication, do not, I repeat DO NOT ever buy HARIBO teddy bears. Now, let’s get to the reviews.

Out of body experience….

I am writing this review of Haribo Gummy Bears as a form of closure, from the psychological and physical extremes these candies have caused me….
It all began innocently enough on a fateful day in June when I discovered this wonderful deal on amazon. I happily clicked away upon my mouse and keyboard as I surfed my way towards 5 pounds of sugar free goodness. The next few days were filled with as much anticipation as it was filled with an unfiltered sense of happiness. You can imagine the day I saw the package on my porch, a series of high pitched wood hatch like happy noises escaped my mouth as my heart raced with pure joy….I tore into the package with a ravenousness rarely seen outside of the wilds of the African Sarenghetti…. Like a kid on Christmas morning! I spent the entire day bathing my taste buds in gooey goodness that is the haribo gummy bear…. Then as I slept soundly that night, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse… When out of the depths of the 7th ring of hell rose such a guttural roar of evil, causing me to shoot straight up out of bed… I was disoriented … Hallucinating…. I was led from my bed chambers by a midget sized giraffe named Raymond….. Though Raymond was pleasant enough I was terrified from the demonic bellows escaping from somewhere near by…. Raymond and I entered to land of a thousand toilets…. He skipped away whistling a tune of repression and sadness…. As my body seemed to float towards a giant golden toilet….. I was watching myself through the toilet water in my bathroom of my home, as I starred on with a mixture of confusion, pain and terror… My body gave birth to a mass of evil resembling something from the depths of the Everglades swamps in Florida… My body wretched about like a stripper on bath salts…. I let out screams that would make a mountain lion cringe… The smell was that of a thousand rotting plates of Indian food…. Tears flew from my eyes… Sweat soaked my exhausted body…. I awoke the next morning lying next to my toilet surrounded by homeland security… As I write this review I ponder why I clicked away on amazon that day… Now spending the rest of my life in maximum security for release of a WMD on American soil…..

Rumors confirmed

I ate 10…..10 thats it. Hell was still unleashed upon me.
A little backstory. I purchased some from a grocery store as a joke on my friends that unfortunately never came to fruition. Ive had them a little over a month now and they’ve just kinda been sitting in my room. Well today I was desperate for some candy and I had absolutely none. Then I remembered the bears. I then also remembered all the reviews that had prompted me to buy them as a joke. So I left them alone. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I figured if I just ate a few i’d be fine. Everything in moderation right? Wrong. I literally ate 10. Two hours went by and I was feeling pretty good about myself, I had absolutely no symptoms. Then a massive rumble came from deep within me. I thought nothing of it, figuring that would be it. Again I was wrong. 5 minutes later i hauled my ass into that bathroom and unloaded. Im pretty sure I saw some birthday cake from my last birthday in there somewhere. It burned like all hell and it came out like it had a score to settle with the little pond below me. I was just thinking to myself, “Why did I ingest these satan bears”
They’re so misleading too, they taste delicious so they deceive you even if you know their story. My advice. Just walk away. You don’t want this. I probably won’t need to poop for the rest of May.

Hello from the grave

Well I read all the reveiws and bought a bag because thats who I am… Or should I say was. I decided to eat all of them and I am dead now. That is all.

Hells Candy Inducers

~~Eat a bowl of Haribo, scorch your guts, s*** out your soul~~ should be the new theme for the commercials relating to sugar free version

They are real….all of the reviews are real

Heed my title… im telling you these gummy bears unleashed the 7 seals of hell inside my intestines….. i stayed on the toilet so long there was literally nothing left except gaseous anal air forcefully rattling my sphincter

I thought all of these reviews were B.S…. a marketing ploy to get people to try them which would have worked cause Im stupid

I ate about three handfuls during a meeting… within about an hour my stomach was gurgling… in two hours i was burping gummy bears and heading to the bathroom… 2 hours and 1 min…. my anal orifice was exploding

I couldnt concentrate on anything except perhaps the gummy bear families i had consumed had somehow bound their gummy bodies together and begun constricting around my stomach… its 8am and my stomach still isnt right….

I feel like a war torn soldier with the 1000 yard stare…. my belly was raped by tiny colored delicious bears

Lesson here: find a different brand of gummy bears unless you want to shit out your soul. If you have any funny Amazon review suggestions comment below or tweet us @averagenobodies.

– Ryan

The Amazon Reviews For the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer Are Fantastic

Have you ever wanted a banana slicer? Of course you have. But just like any other necessary product, it’s important to read the reviews before you make that $2.51 purchase. While all the reviews are excellent, here are my top five:

Subject: No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.

Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

Subject: Saved my marriage

What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

Subject: Kirk Cameron’s Banana Slicer

If God does not exist, then how is it that a banana fits so perfectly in this banana slicer? CHECKMATE, ATHEISTS!

Subject: Such a time saver

No more throwing bananas at the ceiling fan for me! This product has saved me the work of peeling the banana slices off the wall after the fan slices them. Thanks, banana slicer!

Subject: Game changer

My entire life I would simply chew bananas through the skin and then spit out the skin after each bite… until I received this item. This product made me realize that I was doing it all wrong. When I found out that the banana slicer wouldn’t cut through the skin, I was puzzled and looked at pictures of the Hutzler 571 online. I then discovered that bananas could be peeled and had to be before using this product. Now that I’ve discovered this, I haven’t been using the banana slicer as much as I find a knife faster to use and easier to clean up.

Lesson here: if you need a banana slicer, it’s the Hutzler 571 or bust. Amazon reviews don’t lie.

– Ryan

Thanks to Holly for the tip.

 

The Outtakes From Gary Busey’s Amazon Fire Commercial Are As Insane As You’d Expect

Gary Busey is one of kind. He’s clearly lost his mind but at this point in his life he’s no longer fighting it. He’s going to scream at the ocean and talk to a dead fish and have a conversation wth a lamp because that’s how Gary Busey rolls. I still don’t udnerstand why Amazon used him to promote their product but I blog from my parent’s basement and they run a multi billion dollar website so I guess we’ll just have to trust them.

– Ryan

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In: Amazon Signs Deal to Stream HBO Shows

SourceTake that, Netflix. Beginning on May 21 the multi-year agreement will enable Amazon Prime subscribers to stream series including The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, The Wire, and later — about three years after episodes initially air — Girls, The Newsroom and Veep. In addition, by year end Amazon will offer HBO GO on its new Fire TV platform. (It’s already available to HBO subscribers on other devices including Google’s Chromecast.) The shows will still be available on HBO’s platforms, but the companies say that this is the first time the premium pay TV channel’s shows have been licensed to an online-only streaming service. “As owners of our original programming, we have always sought to capitalize on that investment,” HBO EVP of Business and Legal Affairs Glenn Whitehead says.

Amazon shares are up 1.4% pre market, and Netflix is down 2.7%, following the announcement. That suggests investors didn’t fully accept Netflix CEO Reed Hastings’ claim on Monday that the streaming video providers can peacefully coexist. “It’s a very much not a zero-sum game and we are building this ecosystem together that’s about Internet video and the more players there are in Internet video, the bigger that ecosystem gets,” he said. “The big theme is Internet video is taking share away from linear video. So we are all participating in that transformation.” He has more mixed feelings about HBO: In January he joked that HBO chief Richard Plepler’s Netflix password was probably: “Netflix bitch.”

Stifel analyst Benjamin Mogil says HBO probably made its deal with Amazon, instead of Netflix, because there’s less overlap among their subscribers. Still, it’s “clearly a negative for Netflix, given the high profile nature of the HBO content” and could “somewhat limit” the streaming company’s just-announced plan to raise its prices for new customers. He notes, though, that HBO and Amazon released few details about the deal terms and that it doesn’t include all HBO shows.

Fuckin’ internet is right, Tony. Last week I wrote about how I didn’t trust Amazon anymore because they had the craziest person in the world Gary Busey pimp their TV product. I take all that back now. Any streaming service that gives me another outlet to watch my pal Tony is alright in my book. Why Netflix never signed this deal is beyond me, but it’s their loss. HBO has the best shows to offer to a streaming service, and the biggest advantage is their rewatchability factor. I’ve watched The Sopranos three times from beginning to end and if I get sick this weekend I could start all over and have just as much fun. Plus, the list of older HBO shows is the television version of murderer’s row. The Sopranos. The Wire. Deadwood. Oz. Entourage. The Life and Times of Tim. Six  Feet Under. And that’s just my personal short list. If you can’t find a show to fall in love with and watch over and over on that list then you hate television. Simple as that. Amazon Prime just pulled a game changing move. Watch your ass, Netlifx.

– Ryan

 

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