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Author Archives: bernooo

The Last Movie I’ll Ever See

I just saw the trailer for the last movie ill ever see. It’s called Escape Plan starring 2 of the 3 greatest actors of all time. Stallone and Schwarzenegger the Jordan and Pippen of Hollywood. Sly plays some dude who breaks out of prisons for a living and guess what it’s a setup. He’s trapped in a hell of a prison and has to get out. He calls on good ol Arnold who makes it clear he means business, goatee and all. I’m beyond pumped for this movie. I may go stand in line tomorrow morning so I don’t miss it. Oh yea and 50 cent is in it too, so you know it’s good. Check out the trailer here.

+Berno

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Stanley Cup Wrap Up

Last night we saw the Chicago Blackhawks capture their second Stanley Cup in four years. As a Boston Bruins fan, I say congratulations. Like I said a few weeks ago Im a fan of theirs too, but I was rooting for the Bruins on this one.

Chicago was the clear cut best team all season and they finished the only way they could. The Bruins have nothing to be ashamed of. In a game that had a little over a minute left to push it to a seventh contest Chicago never gave up and beat Boston fair and square. Boston shouldn’t hang their heads on a fantastic run. It’s depressing to go down like that but at the end of the day it was a war that will go down as one of the best in the history books.

Next season should be interesting and I’m a firm believer that in hockey it’s any teams game all season. It would be something to see a finals repeat though. Have a great summer everyone!

+Berno

Monster Blog Wednesday: My Own Personal Hell

This weeks monster blog is a subject that hit me like a ton of bricks. I started thinking about how much I hate certain things, and what I would do to avoid them. So here at average nobodies we decided to tell you about our own personal hells.

Rules: there are no rules, what is the most excruciating situation you can put yourself in for all of eternity. No way out, just living through it every day. Be as detailed and graphic as you want. It could be situational or involve torture. I don’t know all I can do is explain my own.

Hell 1

At my (previous) job the other day I realized how much I hate my former boss’ ringtone. It’s just a standard droid ringtone but it goes right through me, especially because he never answers it. It is also the sign of “get off your ass and look busy”. I am also deathly afraid of spiders. I hate them. All kinds. They turn me into a child more than the hunter from jumanji would. My own personal hell would be trapped in a doorless, windowless room full of big hairy nasty spiders, with that god forsaken ringtone blasting for all of eternity. I would rather be trapped in a room with a lion than spiders. At least he’s got some sense and maybe we can form a pact, but spiders?! Fuck that. Also to make it an ounce worse, I’d throw a tv in there with nothing but the breakfast club playing. I’d rather not have eyes than see that movie. I hate that movie and everyone that likes it, can’t stand it. And that ladies and gents is my own personal hell

+Berno

Wahlberg Hell

Drop me in the middle of the rainforest. Now i’m not talking about the rainforest you see on TV, no, i’m talking about the dense, hot, rainy, covered in animals ready to kill you rainforest.  Now give me an ipod and load that shit with Enya.  I realize that i’d rather listen to the shitty music then hear monkeys plot my murder in the canopy above me so I go to put the headphones on.  Now drop in Carlos Mencia, right behind me, and every time I go to put the headphones on he starts talking to me.  I take the head phones off and he stops, I got to put them on and he starts yapping again.  I get a call on a random cell phone.  Mark Wahlbergs on the other end.  He proceeds the tell me that everyone on my Fantasy Football team is on IR, that he got cleared to make a Shooter 2 & 3, Norah Jones made a hate song about me, everyone on Earth got to travel to the moon except me, and that Mr Lemon closed down.  A hell I wouldn’t wish upon the worst of my enemies.

– Matty V

Ryan’s Hell (Social Media Whores feat. Claustrophobia)

I hate people who use social media to throw their lifestyles in your face and act as if you’re not living like them then you suck. I’m glad you go to the gym, and eat healthy, and go to the beach. But guess what? So does everybody else, so you’re not as special as you think you are. Also, YOLO and “eating at Sonic” don’t belong in the same sentence. YOLO and skydiving maybe, or YOLO and wire walking across the Grand Canyon. Just because you took a week long trip to Disney World doesn’t automatically make you the poster child for excitement. I’m fully aware that I can un-friend or un-follow these people, but it’s been personal hell fantasy, and I’m gonna make it as hellish as possible. I’m deathly afraid of being in an enclosed space that’s slowly filling up with water and I’m powerless to stop it. Its a recurring nightmare of mine. With that said, my personal hell would consist of being in a room that is slowly filling up with water while constantly being fed status updates of people I hate. Somehow the Devil created a waterproof computer and he’s draining the life out of me. The only solace is one day I might meet those same people who put me through social media hell and make them listen to Fast Car for all of eternity.

Sean’s Hell (Ft. David Tyree)

My own personal hell? Hmm, that’s kind of a tough one.  I don’t hate a lot of things worth mentioning, and I’m in a really good place right now, but I guess I’ll just let it all hang out.  So as far as a personal hell/nightmare situation for me is concerned it would take place in deep space, I’d rather go to the depths of the deepest ocean than deep space.  In a lot of people’s hell they’d be alone,  not me, I’d be with David Tyree.   I’d rather be alone for a thousand eternities than listen to that guy talk about himself for half a second, he’s definitely chats it up about himself non-stop, that’s how I picture him.   And it would be scorching hot, not hot enough to kill you, just fucking hot all the time along with zero ways to cool down.  The only sustenance would be jalapeno peppers and alcohol-free keystone light (alcohol would be too much of a luxury in this situation).  A movie would constantly be playing, The Road with Viggo Mortenson; I promise that you will never witness a more depressing hour and fifty-one minutes in your life. To recap, it’s me and David Tyree floating in deep space, it’s 100 degrees out (and humid I’ve decided), only food is jalapeno peppers and drink is non-alcoholic keystone, while watching The Road on repeat for all an eternity.  And I suppose to top it all if you tried to pause or stop the movie a recording would turn on of Elton John’s Benny and the Jets. Normally a perfectly good son but in this case the only part that plays is “B-b-b-b-b-BENNY, BENNY,BENNY,BENNY,BENNY,… well you get the picture.

Shoot me now.

-Sean Lite-

Yeezus & Indicud

This Tuesday, Kanye West released his newest album, Yeezus. After reading the blow jobs it was getting from critics I had to see what it was all about. Admittedly I like all of this dudes albums, even 808’s & Heartbreaks. It sucks that he’s an arrogant asshole, but if I was that good at something I would let people know. Hell I do now and all I’m good at is drinking. Anyways, the album is an original. That’s the best word I can use to describe it. Lyrics, production, and even the packaging are original. My favorite track hands down? Blood On The Leaves. The only downside is that it’s only 10 tracks, but odds are ill be jamming to them all summer. Another track I really like is Guilt Trip featuring Kid Cudi. Kanye’s former protege. In the song he sings “if your love me so much then why’d you let me go?” Which brings me to Indicud.

Indicud is Kid Cudi’s latest album in which he produced every track from top to bottom. Taking a page out of West’s book. I’m a huge fan of this one. Also very original in the same aspects as Yeezus. It seems as if Cudders developed his own genre on this album. My favorite track? Red Eye. Kid Cudi’s lyrics in this song are few, but the production is unreal. He calls it his version of The Chronic, by Dr. Dre. And if you’ve actually listened to it, cudi nailed it. Earlier this year cudi and west parted ways. Bringing me back to his lyrics in Guilt Trip on Yeezus. Kanye had hoped Cudi would follow his footsteps, but with the release of Indicud, he’s made a name and style all for himself.

I’m assuming there’s no bad blood between the two, and hoping for collaborations in the future, but for me these are the two best hip hop albums of the summer so far and if you’re an adult and pay for music, they’re well worth the $10 each.

+Berno

Life Without Facebook

I get my nuggets busted on the regular by my friends for getting rid of my Facebook. I dumped that shit at the start of 2013 and never looked back. Yeah, maybe I miss out on some hot sluts album once and a whole, but half of the people I follow on twitter are pornstars….women pornstars I mean! And that’s wayyy better.

My bros say I got rid of it and it just pumps my tires to be cool, but in reality I just don’t miss it. I don’t give a shit about who’s going to the beach or having a grand ol time in Vegas. At the end of the day I care about what I’m doing and the 10 asshole friends I see on a regular basis are doing. Usually it’s the same thing.

I also have this theory that Facebook stopped being cool when my mom got one. At that point, real adults thought they could step into the social media barn and make it work seamlessly. Now because of this, having a Facebook hurts your chances of getting a big boy job and it’s just another excuse for someone to get on your case about something you said or did.

So in closing, fuck Facebook, and once I can have one without it haunting me, ill steer clear of it. Although my life without Facebook has been short, damn it feels good. Back me up Sean Lite

+Berno

PS. if I get one back soon I’m gonna feel like a royal piece of shit

How To Rent A House (For A Summer Party)

So I graduated from college a few years back and I’ve become a bigger piece of shit than I could have ever imagined. I mean I know I was on my way, but whatever. My current boss is also my former landlord. When I was a senior, my buddies and I rented his house…and trashed it. I’ve been working for him for a year and a half now, and I’ve been reminded of it every day. Every piece of furniture got broken, holes in the wall, carpets destroyed (pun totally intended), and bathrooms too gross for for Deuce Bigalow’s dad to clean. This is my cross to bare.

Now if you’re renting a house this summer, here’s a few tips.
1. Never rent it from someone you know
2. Remove everything that can break aka make it look like a bare walled serial killers cottage
3. Kegs over cans
4. Try not to wrestle, I mean really try
5. If need be, puke outside, not in a bed/couch, same with pissing…and screwing?
6. One cowboy hat per gang
7. The less shirts the better
8. Involve a water activity with a drinking game (girls go nuts for that shit)
9. Someone needs to bring a dog that drinks beer because it’s hilarious
10. Get drunk while you clean up

This list can be edited of course, but you get my point. I’m trying to party, not win a lifetime achievement award. For a few ideas, check out the video below and let the games begin!

+Berno

Stanley Cup Finals Preview

Tonight marks game 1 of the 2013 Stanley Cup Finals between two original 6 teams, the Boston Bruins and the Chicago Blackhawks.

I for one cannot be more excited for this series. I’m a die hard Bruins fan, my old man took me to the old garden to see them play, I have a Terry O’Reilly jersey, and Pie McKenzies’s autograph. So naturally that’s who I’m rooting for here. I also have a special place in my tiny heart for the Blackhawks. Keith Carney is a family friend, I reffed Tony Amonte’s son, and I consider Chris Chelios an American hero. So this series will be very fun for me to watch personally.

As far as hockey goes we’ve got 2 hard nosed, skilled teams with absolute walls in net. It will no doubt be a grind. The teams match up pretty equally from top to bottom. The winner here will be dependent on who’s more headstrong and which goalie doesn’t get rattled. I’m going with Boston in 6.

However, one thing I look forward to after every NHL playoff series is the handshake. Pure respect after beating the shit out of each other for 4-7 games. These are two great hockey towns so I expect if one team should win the cup on enemy ice there will be an applause. But you have to account for the boo’s of that Antichrist, Gary Bettman.

Words cannot describe how psyched the home crowds will be. The fact that no team from the east has played a team from the west even adds an element of mystery. RL Stine couldn’t have written a better script. Anyways, I hope this got at least 3 people pumped for the series and if you wanna talk hockey hit me up.

+Berno

PS last time the Bruins won the cup I got black out drunk at the parade and was 4 hours late for my own college graduation party, boom.

My Biased Opinion On Why Hockey Players Are The Toughest Athletes In Sports

Last night the Boston Bruins beat the Pittsburgh Penguins in double overtime to take a 3-0 series lead in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. It was a great team effort, top to bottom, Tuukka Rask was outstanding for Boston, but the real hero here is Bruins forward Gregory Campbell.

On a penalty kill in the 2nd period Campbell took a slap shot to the leg as he blocked a shot toward the Boston net. He went down for about 10 seconds and hobbled around for another 60, giving his team everything he had in what would be his last minute of the 2013 season. Campbell broke his leg on the play.

Which brings me to my point, hockey players are the toughest athletes in sports. Any other event, NFL, NBA, or MLB there would’ve been an immediate stoppage with everyone and their brother from the medical staff out there to carry him off the field of play. But not in hockey. Campbell got back to his feet, played another 60, and skated off on his own power. That. Takes. Balls. A similar incident happened to Nicholas Hjalmersson of the Chicago Blackhawks the other night, same heart to stay out and finish your shift. Fortunately for him no serious injury occurred.

Baseball players miss weeks or months with a broken finger. Hockey players don’t miss practice. Basketball players can’t bump each other. Hockey players level each other. If there’s a fight in football, call the federal government. You’re allowed to fight in hockey.

To wrap this up, if you’re not a fan of hockey, watch these playoffs and you’ll be hooked. Hop on a teams bandwagon and see where it takes you because the respect you develop for these guys night in and night out is more than enough to grow the fan base of the NHL and hockey everywhere.

+Berno

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