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Californian James Wertz Punched & Choked His Girlfriend’s Pet Rabbit Over a Women’s Right Argument. Just Kidding He’s From Florida

Of CourseA Florida man is behind bars after allegedly punching and choking his girlfriend’s pet rabbit.

James Wertz, 28, was arrested June 27 in connection to an incident that started over an argument about women’s rights with his girlfriend, Dana Jongeward at their Boynton Beach home.

At one point, tempers flared and Wertz yelled that it was a man’s world, according to the police report.

While Jongeward hid in her bedroom to get away from Wertz, she claims one of her two pet rabbits screamed.

Jongeward came out and allegedly saw Wertz punching and choking one of her rabbits, a 9-month-old named “Bun Bun.” She told police she could see blood coming from the rabbit’s eyes.

“It was shocking, the most horrible thing I could walk out of bedroom to see,” she told the Florida Sun-Sentinel.

Wertz allegedly became enraged and threw her across the living room when she tried calling 911, according to a police report.


Nothing like beating up a rabbit to get your July 4th weekend started. I write these posts so many times that I feel like I’m becoming immune to them. Oh some guy beat up his girlfriend’s rabbit after they argued over women’s rights? That makes sense. The only thing I’m mad about is that we’ll never get to hear James Wertz’s thoughts on women’s rights. You gotta figure a guy who beats up/chokes a rabbit is probably a very well spoken, sincere guy. He probably had a very rational opinion on women’s rights that naturally spawned into the attempted mutilation of a rabbit. Just another day in the Sunshine State.

– Ryan

Everything is Apparently Not OK At Home For Shia LeBeouf

UmmAccording to prosecutors, a pair of witnesses identified the 27-year-old actor as the person hauled out of the show at intermission.

“Do you know who I am?” he reportedly shouted at cops.

Once in cuffs, LeBeouf called one officer “a f—-t” and told another to “suck his d—,” according to charges read aloud in court. It reportedly took a half-dozen cops to take him into custody.

Once in the Midtown North Precinct, where he bizarrely did pushups and jabbered non-stop, LeBeouf allegedly told an officer, “I’ll end your life.”

The erratic actor threatened cops and spit in the air while unleashing a foul-mouthed tirade after a full day of drinking at a nearby bar, law enforcement sources and a witness said.

“He said something like, ‘F— you. I will f— you up,’” the sources said.

shia lebeouf snl magic saturday night live gif

Hasn’t this happened to all of us? We drink at the bar all day then go to a performance of ‘Cabaret’ and cause such a disturbance that the cops have to show up and arrest us then we yell homophobic slurs at the cops and do push ups in the jail cell? If that doesn’t sound like a typical Thursday night then I don’t know what does. Shia LeBeouf is obviously slowly losing his mind and just turning into a cynical, horrible person. Something is obviously wrong here, and whatever it is that is wrong has been going on for a long time. This unfortunately is not an isolated incident, but the latest in a string of incidents where he just loses his shit. I’m going to out on a limb and say that someone with Shia’s history shouldn’t be drinking all day in a bar. Probably not the brightest idea. My suggestion is that Shia befriends a horse and moves to the mountains somewhere. Gets in touch with nature and leaves showbiz behind. Only logical solution.

– Ryan



Don’t You Dare Ask a Mayor in Florida For Directions – Don’t YOU DARE

FloridaAlachua Mayor Gib Coerper is under investigation for an altercation with a tractor-trailer truck driver who was backing up his truck on a city street.

The truck driver, Timothy Dixon of Memphis, Tennessee, said Coerper appeared drunk when the incident happened Tuesday night.

“I got lost when the GPS gave the wrong way. I was getting ready to back up when he pulls up,” Dixon said. “He got out and said he was tired of dumb truck drivers. I was like, what? He went off on me. He got up onto my truck and told me he would get me fired. He pushed me. They were telling me he was the mayor, and I said, ‘He’s the mayor acting like this?’ ”

Coerper could not be reached for comment Thursday afternoon.

Alachua Police Department spokesman Detective Jesse Sandusky said an officer took a report on the incident, adding that the investigation was turned over to the Alachua County Sheriff’s Office to avoid the appearance of a conflict of interest.


The nerve of Timothy Dixon to ask the Mayor of Alachua for directions. He’s got balls the size of grapefruits approaching an elected official for directions. Probably not the best move here by the Mayor though. Not only are you assaulting a guy just asking for directions, but you’re doing it while informing him that you are in fact the Mayor. Nobody is going to mistake this guy for a rocket scientist, but this is a pretty stupid move. Also, are lost truck drivers an epidemic in Florida? It’s not like this guy was asking the Mayor for a kidney; he just wanted to know where the goddamn highway was. Florida, you crazy bitch. Don’t ever change (please change).

– Ryan

P.S. Gip? Get a better name, buddy.

Of Course The Situation Got Into a Fight With His Brother at a Tanning Salon

Tan FightGym. Tan. Situation!

Mike Sorrentino, also known as The Situation on MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” had a brawl in a New Jersey tanning salon Tuesday that led to his arrest, reports TMZ.

The reality star was getting his tan on at Boca Tanning Salon in Middletown, N.J., when cops were reportedly alerted to a “fist fight” taking place.

Interestingly enough, Sorrentino’s throwdown was with his own brother Frank, a source told the gossip site.

The current situation is that Sorrentino reportedly remains in custody and is getting booked.

Ironically, the former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant is returning to the small screen in “The Sorrentinos,” a reality show that follows his family as they open a tanning salon and share meals, which premieres July 15 on the TV Guide Network.

“This year I was really focusing on my sobriety and getting myself healthy and it feels great to be back on TV,” he told the Daily News in a recent interview about being sober after his 2012 stint in rehab.

A rep for The Situation has yet to respond to the Daily News’ request for comment.

Boca Tanning has declined to comment on the matter, but offered information about tanning packages to The News.

I immediately regret this decision. (Will Ferrell)


Old habits die hard, I guess. If you were to tell me that ‘The Situation’ got into a fight and gave me three guesses on the location I’d guess a tanning salon three times. People like ‘The Situation’ don’t evolve. They don’t learn from their mistakes. Their brains function on a primal level, except instead of looking for food and shelter, they go tanning and look at themselves in the mirror. And fight their brothers at tanning salons. I usually try to stay away from negative town on here, but I can not be rooting harder for his reality show to fail. Please stop with the reality shows. For the love of Bill Paxton. Just bury that shit on HGTV or something so the younger generation doesn’t watch and try to imitate him.

– Ryan

P.S. How about the hustle swag from the tanning salon? Sorry can’t talk about the fist fight, but have you seen our summer specials?


Aaron Hernandez Released by Pats

Sources have confirmed that Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez has been released.  This comes after Hernandez was taken into custody earlier today.

A statement from the Patriots on releasing Aaron Hernandez: “At this time, we believe this transaction is simply the right thing to do.”


Here is the full statement released by the Patriots:

A young man was murdered last week and we extend our sympathies to the family and friends who mourn his loss. Words cannot express the disappointment we feel knowing that one of our players was arrested as a result of this investigation. We realize that law enforcement investigations into this matter are ongoing. We support their efforts and respect the process. At this time, we believe this transaction is simply the right thing to do.


Monster Blog Wednesday: My Own Personal Hell

This weeks monster blog is a subject that hit me like a ton of bricks. I started thinking about how much I hate certain things, and what I would do to avoid them. So here at average nobodies we decided to tell you about our own personal hells.

Rules: there are no rules, what is the most excruciating situation you can put yourself in for all of eternity. No way out, just living through it every day. Be as detailed and graphic as you want. It could be situational or involve torture. I don’t know all I can do is explain my own.

Hell 1

At my (previous) job the other day I realized how much I hate my former boss’ ringtone. It’s just a standard droid ringtone but it goes right through me, especially because he never answers it. It is also the sign of “get off your ass and look busy”. I am also deathly afraid of spiders. I hate them. All kinds. They turn me into a child more than the hunter from jumanji would. My own personal hell would be trapped in a doorless, windowless room full of big hairy nasty spiders, with that god forsaken ringtone blasting for all of eternity. I would rather be trapped in a room with a lion than spiders. At least he’s got some sense and maybe we can form a pact, but spiders?! Fuck that. Also to make it an ounce worse, I’d throw a tv in there with nothing but the breakfast club playing. I’d rather not have eyes than see that movie. I hate that movie and everyone that likes it, can’t stand it. And that ladies and gents is my own personal hell


Wahlberg Hell

Drop me in the middle of the rainforest. Now i’m not talking about the rainforest you see on TV, no, i’m talking about the dense, hot, rainy, covered in animals ready to kill you rainforest.  Now give me an ipod and load that shit with Enya.  I realize that i’d rather listen to the shitty music then hear monkeys plot my murder in the canopy above me so I go to put the headphones on.  Now drop in Carlos Mencia, right behind me, and every time I go to put the headphones on he starts talking to me.  I take the head phones off and he stops, I got to put them on and he starts yapping again.  I get a call on a random cell phone.  Mark Wahlbergs on the other end.  He proceeds the tell me that everyone on my Fantasy Football team is on IR, that he got cleared to make a Shooter 2 & 3, Norah Jones made a hate song about me, everyone on Earth got to travel to the moon except me, and that Mr Lemon closed down.  A hell I wouldn’t wish upon the worst of my enemies.

– Matty V

Ryan’s Hell (Social Media Whores feat. Claustrophobia)

I hate people who use social media to throw their lifestyles in your face and act as if you’re not living like them then you suck. I’m glad you go to the gym, and eat healthy, and go to the beach. But guess what? So does everybody else, so you’re not as special as you think you are. Also, YOLO and “eating at Sonic” don’t belong in the same sentence. YOLO and skydiving maybe, or YOLO and wire walking across the Grand Canyon. Just because you took a week long trip to Disney World doesn’t automatically make you the poster child for excitement. I’m fully aware that I can un-friend or un-follow these people, but it’s been personal hell fantasy, and I’m gonna make it as hellish as possible. I’m deathly afraid of being in an enclosed space that’s slowly filling up with water and I’m powerless to stop it. Its a recurring nightmare of mine. With that said, my personal hell would consist of being in a room that is slowly filling up with water while constantly being fed status updates of people I hate. Somehow the Devil created a waterproof computer and he’s draining the life out of me. The only solace is one day I might meet those same people who put me through social media hell and make them listen to Fast Car for all of eternity.

Sean’s Hell (Ft. David Tyree)

My own personal hell? Hmm, that’s kind of a tough one.  I don’t hate a lot of things worth mentioning, and I’m in a really good place right now, but I guess I’ll just let it all hang out.  So as far as a personal hell/nightmare situation for me is concerned it would take place in deep space, I’d rather go to the depths of the deepest ocean than deep space.  In a lot of people’s hell they’d be alone,  not me, I’d be with David Tyree.   I’d rather be alone for a thousand eternities than listen to that guy talk about himself for half a second, he’s definitely chats it up about himself non-stop, that’s how I picture him.   And it would be scorching hot, not hot enough to kill you, just fucking hot all the time along with zero ways to cool down.  The only sustenance would be jalapeno peppers and alcohol-free keystone light (alcohol would be too much of a luxury in this situation).  A movie would constantly be playing, The Road with Viggo Mortenson; I promise that you will never witness a more depressing hour and fifty-one minutes in your life. To recap, it’s me and David Tyree floating in deep space, it’s 100 degrees out (and humid I’ve decided), only food is jalapeno peppers and drink is non-alcoholic keystone, while watching The Road on repeat for all an eternity.  And I suppose to top it all if you tried to pause or stop the movie a recording would turn on of Elton John’s Benny and the Jets. Normally a perfectly good son but in this case the only part that plays is “B-b-b-b-b-BENNY, BENNY,BENNY,BENNY,BENNY,… well you get the picture.

Shoot me now.

-Sean Lite-

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