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Your Average Guide To President Trump’s Impeachment

Around the holidays, there’s nothing that brings people together quite like talking politics. On Wednesday night, the House of Representatives voted to impeach President Donald Trump. Because we’re all living in hell, everyone with a Facebook or Twitter account decided to post what their interpretation of that meant. The media gladly played along with headlines such as this:

Twitter

While that’s technically true, there’s so much more to it than just saying he’s been impeached and moving on to the next cute dog video. Most people seem to think this infographic has been helpful:

Facebook

That might be helpful for some people, but here’s what everyone is really thinking:

I’d be happy to. Since ‘President Trump’ tends to be a divisive term, I’ve replaced it with ‘Daddy’ moving forward.

What You Need To Know

Back in July, Daddy was on a call with the President of Ukraine discussing promised military aid. During the call, Daddy asked the President if he could announce an investigation into Joe Biden and his son Hunter, labeling it as a ‘favor’. The former just so happens to be one of the main Democratic candidates for President next year. Why would Daddy ask this?

If that call and request for an investigation into a political opponent were kept secret, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Unfortunately for Daddy, there was a whistle blower who reacted to the call like:

Once the details of the call were whistle blown (?), Democrats and Republicans had different reactions. The Democrats, who have long been looking for a way to take down Daddy, were elated:

The Republicans, who hitched their wagon to Daddy, were not as happy:

Once impeachment talks started to heat up, Daddy went straight to Twitter to set the record straight. In other words:

To make things worse for Daddy, he allegedly tried to obstruct the ongoing investigation into the Ukraine call. I have to imagine staff and allies tried to persuade him to keep quiet, to which he responded:

Armed with two articles of impeachment, the Democrats were ready to bring the case to the House of Representatives. A debate regarding the legality of the articles would ensue with each side stating their points:

Nancy Pelosi made her argument. The Republicans reacted accordingly:

The Republicans made their argument, including an interesting comparison of the proceedings to Jesus’s treason trial and the reasonableness of Pontius Pilate. Only question remained:

After all the debating, the House voted to impeach Daddy and move the trial to the Senate. But wait, there’s more! The Democrats may hold off on bringing the articles to the Senate citing the Senate Majority Leader’s statement that he would coordinate the trial with the White House counsel. The Democrats had only one response:

Daddy, on the other hand, was very happy about McConnell’s statement:

The saga continues. While this entire process has us feeling like this:

I know we’ll all be happy when we can finally say:

-Ryan

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Trailer Alert – Chappaquiddick

The Kennedy’s were an American institution. Starting with Joseph and his sons John, Robert and Ted, they ruled American politics during the 20th century. Unfortunately for the Kennedy’s and those close to them, any success or happiness they achieved was overshadowed by controversy and tragedy. Chappaquiddick details the controversial and tragic story that would come to define the Kennedy name.

Chappaquiddick – Trailer

The plot of the film focuses on the Chappaquiddick incident involving then US Senator Ted Kennedy. In 1969, he drove his car off a bridge and into water. While he swam to safety, his passenger and political campaign worker Mary Jo Kopechne drowned inside the car. The details are sketchy from there, and most of it depends on who believe. Do you believe Kennedy, who was trying to save his own ass and career? Judging by the trailer, Ted and his father Joseph are not painted in a positive light. At the very least, the film should give an honest take on such a tragic story.

Chappaquiddick stars Jason Clarke as Ted Kennedy and Kate Mara as Mary Jo Kopechne. The rest of cast is solid as well, including Ed Helms, Bruce Dern and Jim Gaffigan.

For all of our movie trailers, click on the trailer alerts tab on our home page.

-Ryan

 

Friday Fire Alert: FuckinSavage.Com Presents The Hottest T-Shirt In The Game: “Collusion”

It doesn’t matter if you love or hate politics, or if you voted for Trump or Hillary or wrote in your crazy neighbor who seems nice but you know there’s something going on there. Despite all of our differences, be it political, social or otherwise, I think there is one thing we can all agree on: we all love t-shirts.

I’m not a father, but I honestly can’t picture myself more excited for the birth of my son or daughter than I was when I won a free t-shirt at Boston Celtics game. It was the apex of my happiness here on Planet Earth. While this t-shirt isn’t free, it’s well worth you time and money, so open your wallets and your hearts and check out the majestic beauty that is “Collusion”.

Donald Trump “Collusion” Shirts Now Available on FuckinSavage.com, and They Are Going Viral!

 

Photo: FuckinSavage.com

 

Photo: FuckinSavage.com

Over the past year, there have been accusations of multiple government officials “colluding” with Russia.

Of these officials, these accusations are focused primarily on President Donald Trump’s administration.  sourcehttp://www.cnn.com/2017/08/03/politics/mueller-investigation-russia-trump-one-year-financial-ties/index.html

However, in light of recent revelations, it seems Hillary Clinton is being accused of collusion too.  source:  http://thehill.com/policy/national-security/355749-fbi-uncovered-russian-bribery-plot-before-obama-administration

On Monday night, the website FuckinSavage.com appeared on the Internet.  On this site, there are 2 versions of shirts focused on “collusion” and the 2 people who are most likely involved in the “collusion”:  Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

The shirts simply say:  “Who Are You Colluding With?” and feature silhouettes of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

“We haven’t chosen a side,” said Dave Sunshine, owner of FuckinSavage.com.  “We hope to see the American people choose the shirt with the side they agree with most.  We are anticipating selling millions of Trump “Collusion” Shirts.  We put the shirts online Monday night as a joke, and they have instantly started going viral.”

FuckinSavage.com hopes that it can provide the American people with what they need to satisfy their “collusion” accusation, no matter what side they are on.

The shirts are available on FuckinSavage.com, which is a Google Trusted Store, provided by Spreadshirt.com.

“Please remember that this is satirical humor,” said Dave.  “The reason why we made both shirts is to provide the offended candidate with ammunition to offend.”

FuckinSavage.com is the home of the most controversial shirts on the Internet, and is preparing to release more shirts this month.

It’s Officially Impossible To Parody The US Government

When Donald Trump was elected President, I knew there were going to be a lot of changes. Before Trump, even if you didn't like or agree with the President, you respected the office and the fact that he was the most powerful man in the free world. That is no longer the case. When Trump goes to Twitter before notifying his Secretary of Defense or the Pentagon about his new ban on transgender people serving in the military, it sparks reactions like that of the Governor of Nevada, who said he won't make changes to the National Guard unless instructed to do so by the Secretary of Defense. In other words, what the President says doesn't matter.

To people like me and you, the President's words haven't mattered since January. But for other elected officials to basically say "this guy is nuts, I'll wait to hear from a sane voice" is pretty crazy when you're talking about the POTUS.

Because we now live in a dystopian, idiotic world, the President's transgender tweet barely stayed in the news cycle for 48 hours. A lot of that has to do with healthcare, which as of early this morning, is still unchanged. But what I'm choosing to focus on is the White House's new communication director, Anthony 'The Mooch' Scaramucci. The New Yorker ran a piece yesterday on him where he talked ON THE RECORD about a whole host of things, and it's beyond parody. Here are some excerpts:

 Scaramucci, who initiated the call, did not ask for the conversation to be off the record or on background.

Always a good sign when the communications director doesn't know how to speak to the press off the record.

“They’ll all be fired by me,” he said. “I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you. Reince Priebus—if you want to leak something—he’ll be asked to resign very shortly.” The issue, he said, was that he believed Priebus had been worried about the dinner because he hadn’t been invited. “Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,” Scaramucci said. He channeled Priebus as he spoke: “ ‘Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.’ ” (Priebus did not respond to a request for comment.)

If those aren't the words of a level headed guy then I don't know what is. Always an uplifting sign when the new guy in the White House threatens to fire literally everyone over something he can't prove. This is also foreshadowing the rest of the conversation, as we see The Mooch has an affinity to saying the word 'cock'.

Scaramucci also told me that, unlike other senior officials, he had no interest in media attention. “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock,” he said, speaking of Trump’s chief strategist. “I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the President. I’m here to serve the country.” (Bannon declined to comment.)

BINGO! So much to dissect in that statement. Comparing wanting media attention to sucking your own cock, inferring that since he doesn't suck his own cock, he's here to serve the country, and my personal favorite 'Bannon declined to comment'. Oh you don't say? He didn't want to comment on the statement from the White House communications director that says he sucks his own cock? Shocking! This is all extremely disheartening, but at least we'll always have this tweet:

https://twitter.com/wyatt_privilege/status/890702212858511361

The article goes on and on and on, and while Scaramucci might not like to suck his own cock, he sure likes to hear himself talk. This is the world we live in, folks, and these are the people in charge of our country. Happy Friday?

-Ryan

Kid Rock Might Be Running For Senate, Because Nothing Matters Anymore

This honestly didn’t shock me. Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, so it’s going to take a little more than Kid Rock running for US Senate to actually shock me. The reason I want to bring this to everyone’s attention is because the Kid Rock for Senate website is a NATIONAL TREASURE. First off, here’s the header image:

I appreciate Kid Rock asking if we’re scared right off the bat, and the answer is yes, I’m petrified that someone like him would wield any true power. Back to the picture. As we talked about on last night’s podcast, this is a picture you could look at for hours and continually find something new to talk about. He’s wearing typical Kid Rock clothes, which consists of a leather shirt/jacket, jeans and some type of terrible hat. I say shirt/jacket because it’s clearly not just a shirt, but it’s also too thin to be a jacket. As you may have already noticed, he’s sitting next to a taxidermy moose.

I was going to try and find some type of symbolism for the moose, but I really just think it’s something he owns that was put there. Under the moose is a picture of George Washington, and above him are old timey looking documents that I’m sure have no relevance whatsoever. He definitely just got those at a yard sale. By far the best part of the picture is the trophy case behind him, clearly showcasing his little league baseball trophies. I don’t know what that has to do with running for senate, but if his slogan turns out to be ‘Make Little League Baseball Great Again’ you know where it all started from.

The current slogans on his site range from ‘In Rock We Trust’ (not bad) to ‘Pimp of the Nation’ (oh God why) and he’s also selling t-shirts, lawn signs, trucker hats and bumper stickers. What I’m saying is you need to go check out his website right now.

-Ryan

Melissa McCarthy Is Rolling Around Manhattan On A Podium Dressed As Sean Spicer #SNL

Melissa McCarthy is hosting SNL this weekend, and it looks like we have at least one sketch to look forward to where she’ll be performing her spot on Sean Spicer impression. The one in the videos above will be a pre taped sketch, so it remains to be seen how many live sketches we’ll get with Spicer. The makeup process for the transformation has to be crazy, so I can’t imagine SNL would be able to get her ready during a commercial break. McCarthy is so great at sketch comedy that I know it’ll be a wonderful episode no matter what the content is, but a few timely Spicer burns are always fun to watch.

-Ryan

Glad To See Randy Quaid Is Doing Well

 

It’s honestly shocking to me that Randy Quaid knows how to upload a video to Twitter. Look at that guy. He is the dictionary definition of insane. The fact that he’s allowed to walk around and film himself yelling into a camera and also knows how to upload that video to Twitter is kind of astounding. I didn’t dig too deep into his Twitter profile because I don’t feel like hanging myself today, so I’m not sure who he plans on voting for, but I’d bet a large sum of money it won’t be Hillary Clinton. If I’m someone who’s on the fence going into this election, watching this video might make me vote for Hillary just so Randy Quaid disappears back into the abyss.

-Ryan

Donald Trump Is Having Mike Tyson, Mike Ditka & Bobby Knight Appear At The GOP National Convention Because No One Know What Is Happening

TRUMP – Donald Trump’s campaign aides are lining up a slate of iconic sports figures to appear at the national convention in Cleveland next month—including former undisputed world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, legendary Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka, former Indiana University basketball coach Bobby Knight and NASCAR chief Brian France, people familiar with the planning told Bloomberg Politics.

First of all, in any other scenario, bringing Mike Tyson, Mike Ditka and Bobby Knight to the same place at the same time is a borderline genius move. Three legitimately insane guys who all have done questionable/horrible things but who America refuses to show anything but love to are three guys who you want on your side. The only scenario I can think of where this would inappropriate/insane is if you were the Republican nomine for the POTUS and you were bringing them to a national convention. And that is exactly what Donald Trump is doing. The most sane person in that group is Bobby Knight. Do you know how crazy that sounds? Tyson is a convicted rapist. There has to be hundreds of people Trump could have gotten to come speak at a national convention who are not convicted rapists. But nope, he goes with Tyson. Mike Ditka has gone on the record as saying that being gay is a choice, because apparently it’s 1922 and nobody told me. I don’t know of any radical social opinions that Bobby Knight has, but this is a guy who used to throw his chair on the basketball court when a call didn’t go his way and who used to choke his own players, so I have to imagine there’s a few bat-shit ideas rattling around in that brain of his. I know Trump is really stressing the anti government platform, and you have to assume Hillary is going to trot out the same old politicians that every other person does at these conventions, but Jesus Christ, there had to be a better group of people that Trump could get. While this movie will most likely backfire, I will say this: I won’t be voting for Trump, but if you think I’m going to miss Bobby Knight, Mike Tyson and Mike Ditka talk politics, you’re out of your goddamn mind.

-Ryan

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