Blog Archives

It’s Officially Impossible To Parody The US Government

When Donald Trump was elected President, I knew there were going to be a lot of changes. Before Trump, even if you didn't like or agree with the President, you respected the office and the fact that he was the most powerful man in the free world. That is no longer the case. When Trump goes to Twitter before notifying his Secretary of Defense or the Pentagon about his new ban on transgender people serving in the military, it sparks reactions like that of the Governor of Nevada, who said he won't make changes to the National Guard unless instructed to do so by the Secretary of Defense. In other words, what the President says doesn't matter.

To people like me and you, the President's words haven't mattered since January. But for other elected officials to basically say "this guy is nuts, I'll wait to hear from a sane voice" is pretty crazy when you're talking about the POTUS.

Because we now live in a dystopian, idiotic world, the President's transgender tweet barely stayed in the news cycle for 48 hours. A lot of that has to do with healthcare, which as of early this morning, is still unchanged. But what I'm choosing to focus on is the White House's new communication director, Anthony 'The Mooch' Scaramucci. The New Yorker ran a piece yesterday on him where he talked ON THE RECORD about a whole host of things, and it's beyond parody. Here are some excerpts:

 Scaramucci, who initiated the call, did not ask for the conversation to be off the record or on background.

Always a good sign when the communications director doesn't know how to speak to the press off the record.

“They’ll all be fired by me,” he said. “I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you. Reince Priebus—if you want to leak something—he’ll be asked to resign very shortly.” The issue, he said, was that he believed Priebus had been worried about the dinner because he hadn’t been invited. “Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,” Scaramucci said. He channeled Priebus as he spoke: “ ‘Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.’ ” (Priebus did not respond to a request for comment.)

If those aren't the words of a level headed guy then I don't know what is. Always an uplifting sign when the new guy in the White House threatens to fire literally everyone over something he can't prove. This is also foreshadowing the rest of the conversation, as we see The Mooch has an affinity to saying the word 'cock'.

Scaramucci also told me that, unlike other senior officials, he had no interest in media attention. “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock,” he said, speaking of Trump’s chief strategist. “I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the President. I’m here to serve the country.” (Bannon declined to comment.)

BINGO! So much to dissect in that statement. Comparing wanting media attention to sucking your own cock, inferring that since he doesn't suck his own cock, he's here to serve the country, and my personal favorite 'Bannon declined to comment'. Oh you don't say? He didn't want to comment on the statement from the White House communications director that says he sucks his own cock? Shocking! This is all extremely disheartening, but at least we'll always have this tweet:

The article goes on and on and on, and while Scaramucci might not like to suck his own cock, he sure likes to hear himself talk. This is the world we live in, folks, and these are the people in charge of our country. Happy Friday?



Kid Rock Might Be Running For Senate, Because Nothing Matters Anymore

This honestly didn’t shock me. Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, so it’s going to take a little more than Kid Rock running for US Senate to actually shock me. The reason I want to bring this to everyone’s attention is because the Kid Rock for Senate website is a NATIONAL TREASURE. First off, here’s the header image:

I appreciate Kid Rock asking if we’re scared right off the bat, and the answer is yes, I’m petrified that someone like him would wield any true power. Back to the picture. As we talked about on last night’s podcast, this is a picture you could look at for hours and continually find something new to talk about. He’s wearing typical Kid Rock clothes, which consists of a leather shirt/jacket, jeans and some type of terrible hat. I say shirt/jacket because it’s clearly not just a shirt, but it’s also too thin to be a jacket. As you may have already noticed, he’s sitting next to a taxidermy moose.

I was going to try and find some type of symbolism for the moose, but I really just think it’s something he owns that was put there. Under the moose is a picture of George Washington, and above him are old timey looking documents that I’m sure have no relevance whatsoever. He definitely just got those at a yard sale. By far the best part of the picture is the trophy case behind him, clearly showcasing his little league baseball trophies. I don’t know what that has to do with running for senate, but if his slogan turns out to be ‘Make Little League Baseball Great Again’ you know where it all started from.

The current slogans on his site range from ‘In Rock We Trust’ (not bad) to ‘Pimp of the Nation’ (oh God why) and he’s also selling t-shirts, lawn signs, trucker hats and bumper stickers. What I’m saying is you need to go check out his website right now.


Melissa McCarthy Is Rolling Around Manhattan On A Podium Dressed As Sean Spicer #SNL

Melissa McCarthy is hosting SNL this weekend, and it looks like we have at least one sketch to look forward to where she’ll be performing her spot on Sean Spicer impression. The one in the videos above will be a pre taped sketch, so it remains to be seen how many live sketches we’ll get with Spicer. The makeup process for the transformation has to be crazy, so I can’t imagine SNL would be able to get her ready during a commercial break. McCarthy is so great at sketch comedy that I know it’ll be a wonderful episode no matter what the content is, but a few timely Spicer burns are always fun to watch.


Glad To See Randy Quaid Is Doing Well


It’s honestly shocking to me that Randy Quaid knows how to upload a video to Twitter. Look at that guy. He is the dictionary definition of insane. The fact that he’s allowed to walk around and film himself yelling into a camera and also knows how to upload that video to Twitter is kind of astounding. I didn’t dig too deep into his Twitter profile because I don’t feel like hanging myself today, so I’m not sure who he plans on voting for, but I’d bet a large sum of money it won’t be Hillary Clinton. If I’m someone who’s on the fence going into this election, watching this video might make me vote for Hillary just so Randy Quaid disappears back into the abyss.


Donald Trump Is Having Mike Tyson, Mike Ditka & Bobby Knight Appear At The GOP National Convention Because No One Know What Is Happening

TRUMP – Donald Trump’s campaign aides are lining up a slate of iconic sports figures to appear at the national convention in Cleveland next month—including former undisputed world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, legendary Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka, former Indiana University basketball coach Bobby Knight and NASCAR chief Brian France, people familiar with the planning told Bloomberg Politics.

First of all, in any other scenario, bringing Mike Tyson, Mike Ditka and Bobby Knight to the same place at the same time is a borderline genius move. Three legitimately insane guys who all have done questionable/horrible things but who America refuses to show anything but love to are three guys who you want on your side. The only scenario I can think of where this would inappropriate/insane is if you were the Republican nomine for the POTUS and you were bringing them to a national convention. And that is exactly what Donald Trump is doing. The most sane person in that group is Bobby Knight. Do you know how crazy that sounds? Tyson is a convicted rapist. There has to be hundreds of people Trump could have gotten to come speak at a national convention who are not convicted rapists. But nope, he goes with Tyson. Mike Ditka has gone on the record as saying that being gay is a choice, because apparently it’s 1922 and nobody told me. I don’t know of any radical social opinions that Bobby Knight has, but this is a guy who used to throw his chair on the basketball court when a call didn’t go his way and who used to choke his own players, so I have to imagine there’s a few bat-shit ideas rattling around in that brain of his. I know Trump is really stressing the anti government platform, and you have to assume Hillary is going to trot out the same old politicians that every other person does at these conventions, but Jesus Christ, there had to be a better group of people that Trump could get. While this movie will most likely backfire, I will say this: I won’t be voting for Trump, but if you think I’m going to miss Bobby Knight, Mike Tyson and Mike Ditka talk politics, you’re out of your goddamn mind.


You’ll Be Fined $500 If You Live in Rhode Island & You Don’t Rake Your Leaves Because Everyone Is Apparently Insane

Wait, What – Pine needles belong in the forest, not on a neighbor’s lawn, according to a Rhode Island lawmaker who wants to compel residents to trim unruly twigs and trees.

The state Senate passed a bill Tuesday that would require homeowners to prune their shrubbery and trees or face a $500 fine if plant litter lands on someone else’s property.

The bill’s sponsor, Democratic Sen. Frank Ciccone, said he introduced the legislation after listening to concerns about pine trees from residents in his Silver Lake district of Providence.

Pine trees are “nice in the forest, nice in certain areas, but they shed these pine needles and sap onto adjacent vehicles and driveways,” he said.

Senators voted 26-6 to pass the bill that would require homeowners to maintain and control any debris created by a tree or shrubs if it causes a nuisance to an abutting property owner.

Confused Ice Cube.gif

It’s nice to see that in times like these, where the American people might have to choose between Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton for President of the god damn United States, that RI politicians are focusing on the important things. The important things, in this particular situation, are pine needles and leaves. What’re we really doing here? Is this the apocalypse? I always thought it would be fireballs and chaos, but maybe it’s Donald Trump as President and getting fined if you don’t rake your leaves. Who’re the people who are REALLY complaining to politicians about pine needles? They’re not toxic waste. If you don’t like them on your lawn, pick them up. If you can’t muster the strength and energy to pick them up, hire a landscaper. I’m not going to pretend to be into politics and list a bunch of issues that are more important than this, but when pine needles a priority, there is something wrong.


Netflix Must Watch – Gore Vidal: The United States of Amnesia

They probably could’ve picked a better screen grab for the trailer

I’ve been on a documentary kick for the past 25 years or so, and last night I stumbled upon the United States of Amnesia, a documentary about renowned author Gore Vidal. A documentary about an author and casual screenplay writer might not be your idea of a good time, but I implore you go to give this one a shot. Gore Vidal is hands down the most interesting person I’ve ever learned about. He associated and/or was friends with, in no specific order: Tennessee Williams, Norman Mailer, Truman Capote, Paul Newman, Tim Robbins, Sting and pretty much every other famous Hollywood or literary name from the mid to late 20th century. He was also one of the most intellectual men in modern history, especially when it came to politics, and he matches his intellect with a wit that is impossible to steer away from. The documentary is made up of interviews with Gore himself, both semi modern day (he died in 2012) and from his past, as well as interviews with his contemporaries. He basically predicts 9/11 and what has happened since, and his views on women’s liberation, religion and equal rights were so far ahead of his time it’s incredible. Take an hour and a half out of your weekend and check out this documentary. It’s well worth it.

– Ryan

Monster Blog Wednesday – Hypothetical Countries

The great countries of the future won’t be Russia or Japan or the US. They’ll be the NEW countries created by future generations. With our genetics and the advancements in modern science, the Average Nobodies plan on living to at least 200-250 years old. That should give us plenty of time to develop a new country that will challenge any world superpower. Any powerhouse country needs a plan, fancy flag, motto, animal and food and beverage. That’s where we come in.

Ryan Flag jpeg

The Land of Ryan

Motto: To be the man, woooo, you have to beat, the man.

National Animal: Rhinoceros 

National Food & Drink: Meatloaf and Arnold Palmer’s

The Land of Ryan is like The Land of Oz except it’s completely different. We’re stationed on planet Earth, right in between Italy and Denmark (my geography is rusty). The occupants of The Land of Ryan are a simple people, a noble people. Our cars operate on beer and our chief export is wrestling action figures. Rhinoceros roam free, which makes The Land of Ryan consistently dangerous, but on the bright side, we have a lot of meatloaf and Arnold Palmer’s. We’re not modern day Switzerland, but we try to get along with everyone, except of course, the creatures of Colonizar. They can go to hell.

– Ryan

Matt Flag Jpeg


Motto: To Infinity, and Beyond

National Animal: Chimpanzee

National Food & Drink: Tang and freeze-dried ice cream

Colonizar means “Colonize” in Spanish. You probably will recognize Colonizar on a U.S. map. It is a large southeastern peninsula located on the continental United States that was once filled with crazy people. Yes, Colonizar is located on the land that was once the sunshine state, Florida. After President Schwarzenegger awarded me the land (He owed me one) I immediately got to work on fulfilling our country motto. I establish Disney World as the capital and setup shop at the Vieira Space Center (Kennedy has no meaning in Colonizar). Chimpanzees were the first animal in space so naturally they are our countries national animal. Chimpanzees are so loved in Colonizar that they almost outnumber people 3 to 1 in the capital, which is fine, because they are more helpful, and smarter, than the workers we adopted.

We are a nomadic people that look to the stars as a way of expansion…and a way to get away from the leftover Floridians. We have two foreign policies: 1) We don’t deal in money. If we want something we trade for it. Wheeling and dealing is kind of our thing. And 2), Land of Ryan is filled with a bunch of jerk faces that will not be able to ride into space with us.


%d bloggers like this: