Robert Kraft, King Of Prostitutes, Has Been Offered A Free Night At A Dominican Sex Resort
By now I’m sure you’ve heard the news about Robert Kraft. The Patriots owner was caught on tape at a Florida spa engaging in “sexual acts”, which is grown up speak for hand and mouth stuff. The opinions on this have ranged from “who cares” to “blind outrage” with some in the middle probably only upset because Kraft owns the Patriots and everybody needs a reason to hate the Pats.
I’m not here to be the moral authority on this subject. I personally could care less, but it’s definitely not a good look for Kraft’s public image. That’s the bad side. The good side? I’ll have Dave from King Savage media explain.
So I received a cool tip today about Robert “Bob” Kraft, the owner of the New England Patriots. Or as he shall henceforth be know: the guy who was arrested for prostitution.
As you may or may not know, prostitution is legal in the Dominican Republic. With that knowledge, I pulled a few strings and called my friend Marco over at DR Nights, a sex resort in the Dominican Republic, and made him aware that Bob Kraft was arrested for prostitution.
DR Nights would like to offer Robert Kraft a complimentary night at it’s world famous sex resort.
“There is no reason to get arrested for solicitation of prostitution, Mr. Kraft,” said Marco, a representative of DR Nights. “Here, in the Dominican Republic, prostitution is legal, and part of the tourism economy. We would like to offer Mr Kraft a complimentary night to show him all of what our luxurious resort has to offer.”
DR Nights will include multiple companions and a luxurious setting for Mr. Kraft to sample, free of any possible arrests.
“We would never like to see something embarrassing like this happen again to Mr. Kraft,” Marco continued. “Don’t get arrested in your home country; come visit DR Nights in the Dominican Republic, and stay in our resort, not a jail cell. We have real-life sisters, I’d choose that over jail everyday.”
Well there you have it folks, DR Nights is officially the best place on earth for sex if sisters is your thing.
Marco told me to tell Bob Kraft to call him and he would take it from there. So I’m telling the Internet to make it happen so Bob Kraft calls Marco, the charges get dropped, Bob gets a polite rendezvous with sisters, the PATRIOTS WIN THEIR 7th SUPERBOWL, and hell doesn’t freeze over.
Kraft, or any member of his team, is welcome to contact DR Nights, at https://www.drnights.com/2841.html .
DR Nights said anyone is welcome to enjoy the packages as well: https://www.drnights.com/2841.html.
Airfare is not included.
Hands down my favorite part of that press release is the “airfare is not included” part, as if that is the biggest worry when you’re contemplating going to a Dominican sex resort.
Robert Kraft may soon be a convict, but thanks to Doctah Dave and DR Nights, he may also be a international sex hero.
It’s Not Officially Football Season Until Tom Brady Puts Out An A+ Social Media Post #NFLKickoff2017
Leave it Tom Brady to get me pumped the fuck up for the NFL season. I guess it’s not enough that the Patriots are favored to win every game this year. They also need to have their most likely GOAT QB put together a goose bump inducing video package to get everyone jacked up. I’m not even a Patriots fan and I want to run through a goddamn wall right now. If you need me, I’ll be watching Brian Hoyer and Pierre Garcon highlights while I wait for the 49ers game on Sunday. I’m so sad.
The Patriots Undrafted Free Agent Signings Included Twins Jake & Cody Hollister
Patriots have also signed twins – TE Jake Hollister and WR Cody Hollister. That’s pretty wild.
— Mark Daniels (@MarkDanielsPJ) April 29, 2017
This is pretty cool, the New England Patriots are in the process of signing undrafted free agents and just stumbled upon two great athletes that love nothing but competition. Cody is a 6’3″ WR out of Arkansas and his twin brother Jacob is a 6’4″ TE out of Wyoming. I like the sounds of that, wowzahs!
The twins trained for the draft in Fayetteville, which helped Jacob produce some eye-catching results at Wyoming’s Pro Day, where at 244 pounds, he clocked a 4.64 40, vertical jumped 36.5 inches and broad-jumped 10-1. Cody, coming off toe surgery before the Hogs bowl game, didn’t have his Pro Day until earlier this week. He weighed in at 208 pounds and, not shockingly, he produced almost identical workout numbers: running a 4.53 40; vertical-jumping 36 inches and broad-jumping 10-0. – Off The Monster Sports
In a true Grinch moment, Bill Belichick found some love in his cold, black heart and signed twin brothers Jake and Cody Hollister. Both Jake and Cody were undrafted free agents so it remains to be seen how far they’ll make it with the Patriots, but this is as feel good a story as you’ll get coming out of Foxborough. It also gives me a reason to throw in some of my favorite ‘twins’ gifs, including the Bella Twins. If Belichick and McDaniels don’t utilize twin magic then they’re insane.
Donald Trump’s Obsession With Pictures Has Infected The @Patriots
We all know Donald Trump is obsessed with being right. He’s also obsessed with pictures, which started after his inauguration in January. As you can see in the picture below, Trump’s inauguration was not as well attended as his predecessor’s:
Now you can argue that the picture has been altered and that the sun sets in the East and rises in the West, but let’s just say that the above picture is accurate. Fast forward three months and we have another picture controversy on our hands thanks to the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots visiting Trump at the White House. The Patriots already announced that less players were showing up compared to 2015 but that the overall number of personnel and players would be about the same. Then, this picture happened:
Instead of just letting it go, the official Patriots Twitter account decided to chime in and give their take on the picture, which not only seems unnecessary, but seems like something that was directed by Trump himself:
The Patriots are a team that rarely officially comment on anything, so to have them come out and tweet something like that is odd. Kraft and Trump are butt buddies, and Belichick even wrote Trump a letter during the campaign, so you have to imagine that friendship and Trump’s obsession with being popular has a lot to do with it. Of course, Trump also weighed in on the picture, because he apparently has nothing better to do:
Failing @nytimes, which has been calling me wrong for two years, just got caught in a big lie concerning New England Patriots visit to W.H.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 20, 2017
If you’re looking for some fresh reasons to hate the Patriots, you know have some ammo.
Tom Brady Created A Suspect Board For His Missing Jersey & God Damnit Now I Like Him
Full disclosure: I’m not a Patriots fan, but after these last few months, it’s getting harder and harder not to like Tom Brady. Not only does he lead the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history, but he breaks the passing yards record for a single Super Bowl and wins me a nice sum of money. On top of that, he gave football fans what will probably go down as one of, if not THE greatest Super Bowl in NFL history (unless you live in the Atlanta area). Off the field he owns social media, and the main reason are posts like this. For those that don’t know, Brady’s game worn jersey went missing the night of the Super Bowl and has yet to be found. While it’s currently valued at over $500,000, it’ll probably never be found, because it’s impossible to sell it publicly without getting arrested. That’s not stopping Tom from building a suspect board and trying out a little bit of vigilante justice. The suspects include Julian Edelman, Lady Gaga, Pyat Pree from Game of Thrones, Norm Snively from Air Bud, O’Doyle from Billy Madison, Gollum, Tom Brady’s own handsome dog and my personal favorite, Prison Michael Scott. If this suspect board doesn’t find the thief, then I’m afraid all hope is lost.
Your Average Pick For Super Bowl 51
There are three things the Average Nobodies don’t partake in: drinking low fat milk, wearing the same two socks and using roman numerals. That’s why this is a Super Bowl 51 prediction blog, not a Super Bowl random capital letters blog. Anyway, we’re finally here. The wild card, divisional and championship rounds of the playoffs are complete and we’re down to the last two surviving teams. Will Tom Brady win his record breaking 5th Super Bowl or will Matt Ryan win his 1st? No matter the outcome, this game should be fantastic. Both teams are playing great football, as the Pats just ended Pittsburgh’s 9 game win streak to advance and the Falcons ended Green Bay’s 8 gamer. Here’s how I picture fans of both teams dealing with lead changes throughout the game:
The story of this game in most preview posts is about the Falcons top ranked offense versus the Patriots top ranked defense, but the beauty of both these teams is how balanced they are on both sides of the ball. The Falcons defense has been ferocious in the playoffs, blitzing teams constantly and refusing to let opposing offenses get into a rhythm. While the Seahawks offensive line has been in shambles all season, the Atlanta defense was especially impressive last week versus the Packers. Rodgers and Green Bay dominated opposing defenses over the last half of the season and into the playoffs, but thanks to constant pressure from the Falcons, they were never able to get going and faced a 24-0 deficit at halftime. The Falcons did this against an offensive line that was giving Rodgers all day to either scramble or find open receivers during their 8 game win streak , and they’ll need to be even better against Tom Brady.
While the Pats defense was ranked #1 this year in points allowed, their offense hasn’t been too shabby either, and most of that credit has to go to the ageless Tom Brady. The only way the Falcons are going to win is if they mimic and execute the game plans of the Giants and Broncos from playoff game’s past. In the 2008 Super Bowl, the Giants sacked Brady eight times and pressured him pretty much all game. In the 2012 Super Bowl, the Giants only sacked Brady twice, but they again pressured him all day, even forcing a 1st quarter intentional grounding penalty that lead to the first nine points of the game for New York. The Broncos did more of the same in the 2016 AFC Championship game, sacking Brady four times, picking him off twice and allowing him to complete only 48% of his passes. While the stats paint a picture of those three games, watching them live tell the whole story. Brady was unable to hit his running backs or receivers because of constant pressure, and even if he wasn’t sacked or picked off, he was getting knocked down or rushed.
The key for the Falcons will be blitzing and getting to Brady frequently, but that’s easier said than done. A lot of that has to do with this stat I found in Bill Barnwell’s Super Bowl preview: “when defenses blitzed him this year, Brady went 61-of-99 for 838 yards with 11 touchdowns and zero interceptions, taking just two sacks in the process”. That has to be a depressing stat if you’re a Falcons fan, because it basically tells you there’s no stopping Tom Brady. You can’t sit back and coverage without pressure, because he’ll pick you apart. You also can’t blitz him every down, because he’s been almost perfect against those packages this year. Assuming the Falcons blitz consistently, Brady won’t have a lot of time to find receivers down the field. If that’s the case, the key for Brady is going to be Dion Lewis and James White out of backfield, as well as pounding the ball inside with Blount. LeGarrette will be especially important because of the presence of NFL sack leader Vic Beasley, who will be looking to pressure Tom Brady on passing downs. Another stat to pay attention to from Barnwell’s article: “When opposing teams have three or more wideouts on the field, Beasley has played 74.6 percent of snaps. When they have two wideouts or fewer, Beasley’s playing time dips to just 19.7 percent of snaps”. If the Pats can keep Beasley off the field AND have success with Blount, this game will be over by halftime.
Working in the Falcons favor is their supremely talented offense, but they’ll be going against a Bill Belichick defense that has had two weeks to prepare. That sounds like a cliché, but the guy has already won 6 Super Bowls as a defensive coordinator or head coach, so it’s safe to say he knows a little bit about preparing for an offense. Belichick specializes in taking away the best player or part of an opposing teams offense, and that will start and end with Julio Jones. Julio has had a quiet postseason so far, combining for only 15 catches, 247 yards and three touchdowns. While New England neutralized Antonio Brown last week, with all respect to AB, Jones is a different kind of monster and has a better quarterback. AB is listed at 5’10 180 while Jones is listed at 6’4 220, and Julio is able to be a dual threat at all times. He’s bigger and stronger than most corners, which is invaluable around the goal line, but he’s also a menace after the catch which he showed on last week’s 73 yard touchdown vs. Green Bay. Much like neutralizing Brady, shutting down Jones is easier said than done. Similar to Lewis and White for the Pats, Atlanta has a 1-2 punch of their own in Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman. Both are great pass catchers and excel at YAC, so if New England starts to get pressure on Matt Ryan, expect a lot of screens and dump offs.
The only thing left to do is play the game. Pats are favored by 3 points with an over/under sitting at 58. I’m going with Tom Brady to win his fifth ring, and I think it’s time we have a serious discussion about renaming the Lombardi Trophy the Belichick Trophy.
Pick: Patriots 41 Falcons 28
The Taiwanese Animation of The Patriots/Broncos Game Might Be The Best Thing I’ve Ever Seen
The Patriots and Broncos played for the AFC Championship yesterday afternoon, and by now you probably know the Broncos won. Brady was rushed all day, and the Denver pass defense just proved too much for the Patriots offensive line. Out of that game we were treated to this incredible Taiwanese animation, including Rob Gronkowski running like a elementary school Forrest Gump and Peyton Manning getting around with the assistance of a walker. A+ stuff all around.
Preveiwing Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning – Part XVII
I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, both two of the greatest quarterbacks of their generation and of all time, will face each other for the 17th time this Sunday with a trip to Super Bowl 50 on the line. As AFC rivals their entire career, the stakes literally could not be higher. Brady is 11-5 in his career vs. Manning, but in their 4 career playoff meetings, each man has come away with two victories. In those four seasons, either Brady or Manning’s team have gone on to win the Super Bowl three times.
Living in New England, Tom Brady, now in his 16th NFL season, has taken on an almost God-like status. Whether you love him or you hate him, you cannot deny how superior the man is at football. Over a 15 year period, the team that represents the AFC in the Super Bowl has almost exclusively gone through Foxboro. Since the 01-02 season, this will be the 10th time (!) that Tom Brady and the Patriots have played in the AFC Championship game. Of the previous nine, they’ve won six, and gone on to win four of those Super Bowls. Brady has a career record of 22-8 in the playoffs, but is only 3-3 on the road, which goes to show how dominant his Patriots teams have been in the regular season. He’s Batman in football form, dispensing his enemies with relative ease all while keeping up the poster boy charm.
Peyton Manning, now in his 18th NFL season, has been the Joker to Brady’s Batman. Manning holds 15 NFL regular season passing records, including the most yards and touchdowns of all time. Manning’s success in the regular season is only rivaled by Brady’s, and where Brady thrives (playoffs) Manning has faltered. Manning is 12-13 in his career in the playoffs, and the only postseason stat in which he equals Brady is in the amount of Super Bowls he has lost (2). Now for a guy to play in 25 playoff games (and counting), win a Super Bowl and have all those regular accolades is an amazing career. But Peyton Manning was put on this Earth to play football at the same time as Thomas Brady, and they will forever be entwined.
While stats are fun for casual conversations with friends, all that matters to Patriots, Broncos, Brady and Manning fans is the outcome of Sunday’s matchup. From now until Sunday you’ll see a million articles about how the game is so much more than Brady and Manning, but when it comes down to it, it really isn’t. It’s all about Brady and Manning. It’s about two guys who love the game of football and are really, really good at it, and for the 17th time they get to duke it out to see who is the better man. I can confidently say we will never see a quarterback rivalry at this level again, and I’m just glad I got to be a fan during their tenures. As for Sunday’s game? Patriots 23 Broncos 16.