Category Archives: The Doctah
People Are Actually Upset That Michael Phelps Didn’t Race An Actual Shark #SharkWeek
Michael Phelps, a shark and the race that never happened.
Yeah. I said it. Oh my god, there wasn’t an actual shark. It was a scam. Oh my.
Fans of Discovery’s Shark Week were thrilled when they learned Michael Phelps would be racing a great white shark on Phelps vs. Shark: Great Gold vs. Great White. The widely publicized race garnered lots of attention on social media and was a trending topic on Twitter.
Unfortunately for Discovery, most of the viewer feedback from the show was frustration. It seems that many viewers thought Phelps was going to literally race a great white shark. But the behavioral ecologist leading the experiment, Dr. Tristan Guttridge, disappointed thousands when he said, “Clearly, we can’t put Michael in one lane and a white shark on the far lane. We have to do simulation.” – Yahoo
The world reacting to our collective stupidity
But look on the bright side, off the marketing and viewing alone, Michael Phelps and the producers made a pretty penny. Think about it, he only has to get you to watch the show, not to like it. He did what he had to do. And he did it well. For that Michael Phelps, we salute you. I didn’t watch it. I don’t care to. You didn’t get me, Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps will never be on another Shark Week. That’s ok, his career is over, and he has enough Olympic money to pay for him and 1,000 simulated sharks to drink pina coladas on the beach all day. And if he ever goes broke, he can sell the Olympic Gold. Savage, I know. But like I said, he does what he has to do when he has to do it.
My Nobodies (I capitalize you like the Gods you are), do you think you think Michael Phelps would beat a real shark? Odds are that as soon as that shark bumped into the wall, he would freak the fuck out and not continue. Hence why there was a simulation. So don’t be mad. Be glad he’s not dead. Oh and be glad that one day you too may have the power to buy his Olympic Gold.
~The Doctah~
The Doctah Diaries: R. Kelly Is Apparently Holding Aspiring Female Musicians Hostage
Before we begin, let’s all hope Dave Chappelle is hard at work on a new R. Kelly scandal song. I’m thinking ‘I’ll Never Let You Fly (The Hostage Song)’ to the beat of ‘ I Believe I Can Fly.
And now, back to the drama.
It has been a longggggggggggggg while since we heard from R&B singer, R. Kelly, and I think I know why.
Kelly has been pleasantly, or unpleasantly, keeping women in a cult.
Couple of things on my mind here before we continue about Mr Kelly
- I didn’t know that cults provided food, shelter, and clothing. I thought they only provided Kool-Aid
- What’s stopping women from leaving Mr. Kelly if they live in Chicago and Atlanta? It’s not like they are next door neighbors
But, that’s neither here nor there …
Here’s an excerpt from the article:
Three former members of Kelly’s inner circle—Cheryl Mack, Kitti Jones, and Asante McGee— provided details supporting the parents’ worst fears. They said six women live in properties rented by Kelly in Chicago and the Atlanta suburbs, and he controls every aspect of their lives: dictating what they eat, how they dress, when they bathe, when they sleep, and how they engage in sexual encounters that he records. – Vice
First of all, keywords here are RENT, PARENTS, SEXUAL. I’ll explain why.
- Kelly is renting. I guess “I Believe I Can Fly” didn’t make enough royalties to buy a home? Can’t you leave rent agreements freely by calling the police? What ever happened to that idea? “Hi Officer, I’m being detained against my will because I won’t pay the rent, will you come arrest somebody.” Try that.
- Parents normally fear for their children’s lives. Understandable. However, they don’t go to the press – they go to the cops. This is why I believe this is just terrible PR management and R. Kelly is just trying to make a comeback, and his publicist was just like “hey Rob, let’s run with the sex thing, tell your [expletives] they each get 50k.”.
- Let’s see. How about if he’s really being a dick, you can technically bite his tallywacker right off and claim temporary insanity, domestic abuse, and self defense all in one defense and BAM you’ll be that girl, but you’ll be … how do you say it … FREE
The truth is, this R. Kelly mess is just a big made up scam by his publicist in a desperate attempt to free R. Kelly’s soul.
On the other hand, let’s talk about the happy days when you didn’t know R. Kelly liked to perform golden showers and make females hang out with him against their will. Remember little Michael Jordan’s dad saying “And when you’re all done with that … I suppose … youre gonna fly, huh?” and Jordan dunking the ball? Oh the times, they have changed. But now you know where all that Space Jam money went, and obviously it’s not enough for Mr. Kelly because he can’t purchase a damn mansion and store his collective females there.
Oh, Lord, this has been one hell of a day. I need a ZIMA. Google it.
Stay Classy my Nobodies. Until we meet again.
~The Doctah~
This Australian Guy Is Playing Tug Of War With A SHARK Like It’s No Big Deal
This man. Show no fear, for fear shall get you killed. This guy was pissed that the shark had it’s net, and he showed him. There was no way that a shark was fucking with this guy today, or it seems, any day for that matter. Australians are a different breed, and I think a lot of that has to do with the insane animals they deal with on a daily basis. If I went fishing this afternoon I might run into some medium sized fish. Maybe a crab or a jellyfish. In Australia, you run into an enormous shark. If you’re not ready to fight a shark on a Friday afternoon, then you better get your ass out of the water in Australia.
On a ego system note, do you think the shark felt the pain?
~ The Doctah
@prattprattpratt – The Doctah Has Your Back
First things first, if you think Chris Pratt is an asshole for offending the deaf, then check this video out about something a deaf person is glad not to hear:
Now, if you don’t think Chris is an ass, and is pretty cool for apologizing to 1 of 343 million global fans, then don’t watch the video above. Chris, we salute you. Cool movie, good job.
~ The Doctah
H/T Daily Wire
The Doctah Has Some PR Advice For Steve Harvey
Yesterday Ryan posted an article that painted Steve Harvey in a not so pretty light. In a Donald Trump light. An email that he sent to his staff leaked out and Steve’s once lovable image was tarnished. Well The Doctah is here to right the Steve Harvey ship, because Mr. Harvey is not a dick for wanting some personal time. I present to you, exhibit A:
Oh, what’s that you say? Steve Harvey ISN’T that bad? Well, Mr. Harvey, this is the way to redeem yourself. We all feel for terminally ill people, and this is why Spiderman was told “with great power, comes great responsibility.”
Harvey did the coolest thing for that terminally ill man, and it’s something that he should be proud of. When fortunate human beings help less fortunate human beings, it brings a special warmth to my soul.
Just throwing Steve some love. He may want personal time in his leaked email, but that’s understandable, considering he helped someone who couldn’t get the help they needed.
Steve, the Average Nobodies Salute You!
Stay Fucking Classy My Friends.
~ The Doctah
Donald Trump Is Clearly Losing His Mind
President Donald Trump sent out a series of tweets Wednesday morning attacking Democratic Sen. Richard Blumenthal, who had repeatedly criticized the president’s firing of FBI Director James Comey.
“Watching Senator Richard Blumenthal speak of Comey is a joke. ‘Richie’ devised one of the greatest military frauds in U.S. history,” Trump tweeted of the senator from Connecticut. “For years, as a pol in Connecticut, Blumenthal would talk of his great bravery and conquests in Vietnam — except he was never there.
“When caught, he cried like a baby and begged for forgiveness … and now he is judge & jury. He should be the one who is investigated for his acts.”
Blumenthal appeared on CNN on Wednesday morning, saying there was “really a looming constitutional crisis that is deadly serious.”
The senator also was a guest on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” on Wednesday, calling for a special counsel to investigate the Trump campaign’s alleged ties to Russia; Comey had been leading the FBI’s investigation into the matter when he was fired. – Yahoo
Trump’s firing people, tweet-storming & drinking Coca-Cola on command – sounds just like an average somebody.
Oh Mama! This is the Trumpstravaganza and unless you’re white, have white hair, you better not get on his shitty list. 2 Days ago, Trump fired Comey, director of the FBI, and that doesn’t stand for Female Body Inspector. Today, after being the big man on campus, he rose to the “grande” man on campus, when Richard Blumenthal had some sharp words about El Presidente de Trump.
Blumenthal was hit with Trump’s Savage response. Love him or hate him, don’t fuck with him because his words will tear you limb from limb, and when there’s nothing left, he just might get hungry. But Trump, the possible fraud, told Blumenthal that he’s a fraud.
Ladies and Gentlemen, my Nobodies, my Dom Perrignon’s, I wouldn’t criticize the man. I’m waiting for him to pour his can of Coke on someone, and then that possibly may just be Judgement Day. But, until that day my friends, stay fucking classy like Ron Burgandy and make sure you stay off Trump’s Twitter and out of his way, because he just might fire you, and you probably don’t even have a job. Think about that one.
~ The Doctah
The Doctah Weighs In: Science Says The Broken Heart Can Be Mended…By The Placebo Effect
Researchers at the University of Colorado Boulder found that simply believing you’re doing something positive to get over your ex can influence brain regions associated with emotional regulation and lessen the pain you’re feeling. In other words, remaining open to the possibility that what you’re doing could potentially make you feel better works like a placebo effect.The participants were asked to bring in two photos: one of their ex and one of a close friend. Inside a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, the heartbroken parties were shown images of their exes and asked to reflect on the breakup.
Then they saw the images of their friend (the control variable).They were also given a jolt of physical pain (a hot stimulus on their left forearm).As these stimuli were alternately repeated, the participants were asked how they felt on a scale of 1 (very bad) to 5 (very good). Meanwhile, the fMRI machine tracked activity in the brain. The machine showed similar areas of the brain lit up during both emotional pain (reminiscing and looking at the ex pic) and physical pain — suggesting that the heartache you feel after a breakup is very real and not just in your head. – Huff Post
Holy Shit! First of all, now science has decided to inflict pain on humans to distinguish heartbreak. Does anybody not find this alarming? Let’s look quick: electronic pain to determine how heartbroken you are?
Ok. Now that we are over the woes of humanity. They also found a solution: Fake it until you make it. Now, I may not technically be a doctor, but some say I may be a doctor of “LOVE”, so I could technically give you some unofficial breakup advice for men by a/the MAN.
You love your girlfriend, you buy her a gift, she breaks up with you. Let’s keep the synopsis’s general and short. Best way to handle this is, according to science, do not attempt to gain her back.
Instead, go to the mall, and tell every girl you see that you need to take a picture of them kissing your cheek to make your ex girlfriend jealous. Two things will happen: You will get a lot of kisses which will make you feel more loved which will slowly decrease the heartbreak (there are reasons why I am considered a Doctah, rather than a Doctor). You will also post them on Facebook and Instagram, and this will bring more females into your life, as well as bring her back.
Whala! Eureka! No one gives break up advice for MEN, so I’m going to do it.
Stay Classy My Friends.
~The Doctah~
Gregg Popovich & Restaurant Servers Continue To Be A Match Made In Heaven
Photo: @Rubethedude
Papa Greggy P, or Mr. Popovich to you, decided that today would be the day to buy a young man a nice pony. Mr. Popovich, not being the pony-buying type of man, decided that with his mysteriousness, he’d leave a little bit of love to a helpful waiter in an expensive restaurant, McEwens Memphis. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t just a “little bit of love”. Popovich tasted some fine wine, got a little tipsy, thought his waiter was the man, and left him a whopping $5,000 tip for a pony. Well maybe it wasn’t for a pony – but the dream was there. Anyways, Popovich, known to be a man of few words, and a force to be reckoned with in the NBA, made one of the classiest of moves. Who would of thought he was such a empathetic bro? Or maybe he’s not; maybe he’s just the HIGHEST PAID COACH in the NBA at 55 million denaros. Actually dollars, not denaros.
This was a classy move, Pop. Classy.
H/T Yahoo & @Rubethedude
– The Doctah
