Watch at your own risk of spoilers
I knew it! You all told me I was dumb, that I had my head in the clouds, that i’ll never be able to eat a whole family sized turkey…well that last one is has noting to do with this, but it doesn’t matter! THE HOUND is coming in HOT! I can’t wait until The Hound makes his triumphant return, chops The Mountain’s stupid head off, gives Arya her sight back, and gives the new king is patented catchphrase….
VIVA LA HOUND!
In case you need a back story, Salma Hayek is a pretty famous actress who married a god damn French Billionaire, Francois-Henri Pinault. What did she do with her billions of dollars? She built an animal sanctuary, created an Instagram account and pretty much is making the world a better place. The videos above include her thanking the chickens she has for giving her fresh eggs for breakfast, hugging a llama that was born in her sanctuary and eating a cricket because she has billions of dollars and she’ll do whatever the hell she pleases. If I’m being honest, she’s my new favorite person on Instagram. Salma Hayek has always been easy on the eyes, and now that llamas and conversations with chickens are being thrown in the mix, my heart is exploding with joy. There’s also a 100% chance I purchase a llama now.
Krystal Henderson, 29, and 7-year-old Oliver Hallam purchased takeout from a KFC branch in Killingsworth, according to the Express. At home, Oliver took a bite out of what he assumed was chicken, but recoiled seconds later.
“He pulled it out of his mouth and when he did, it pulled away the batter – you could see the blue roll inside,” Henderson said, according to the Daily Mail.
Henderson said that realizing Oliver had bitten into a paper towel was worse than if it had just been bad chicken.
“If it was bad chicken they might have just had a bad batch or something,” she said. “But the blue roll could have been used for anything – it could have bleach or disinfectant on it … Had someone wiped their hands on it, had it been used to wipe the floor?”
Nothing like a fried piece of paper towel to ruin your entire life. How does this even happen? I feel like you really have to go out of your way to fry a paper piece towel instead of a piece of chicken. They are two very different things. This might’ve happened in England but now it’s making me look at KFC completely different. A KFC in my hometown just closed down after being there for a long time. At first I thought it just a drop in sales, but now that this story leaked, I have a funny feeling it had something to do with paper towel chicken. Have we ruled out a global sabotage effort from Taco Bell? Taco Bell spies around the world infiltrating KFC and stuffing their famous fried chicken with used paper towel? Let’s just say it if comes out that that’s happening you should remember where you heard it first. And for the time being, maybe everyone should stick to the cornbread and potato wedges at KFC.
Monsterblog Wednesday: Would You Rather Have a One Time Payment of $1,000,000 Or Your Favorite Food For Free Anytime You Want it For the Rest of Your Life?
Now I know what everyone is thinking: give me the $1 million and leave me alone. If that’s your thought process, you’re probably in the majority for this hypothetical question. But remember this: if you take the money, not only are you a greedy, money grubbing jerk, but your also giving up the ability to have your favorite food for free whenever you want it for the rest of your life. Here’s what we’d choose..
Give Me My Favorite Food or Give Me Death
Money is temporary. Chicken parm is forever. Literally. I choose having chicken parm whenever I want for the rest of my life. Now I’ve actually mentioned that I could eat chicken parm for every meal more than once, and every time I say it people tell me I’m crazy. My response to them is chicky chicky parm parm. I love chicken. I love cheese. I love sauce. While whoever chose the $1 million is out buying house boats and watching their money slowly disappear, I’m laughing with my best friend: chicken parm. Game, set, chicken parmigiana.
Tacos Tacos Tacos
When Ryan and I proposed this hypothetical question to each other I knew right away it would be a no contest: We were both going to pick foods. How could you not?! But where we differ is the choice of food. While Ryan is whipping out his fork and knife to enjoy a nice chicky chicky parm parm, I’m casually devouring these delicious treats with my hands. See, not only are tacos my absolute favorite food, but they are the most convenient to eat anywhere, at anytime. Sitting at home? Taco me. Waiting in line at the movies? Taco me. Driving on the highway? Taco me. Scuba diving? Well, maybe not scuba diving, but you bet your ass when I’m back above the surface i’m ordering up a taco to eat while I tread water. Money may buy nice things, but i’d rather be in Mexican food heaven everyday until I die. Me encantan los tacos.
Furious doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel right now. Let me set the scene…I walk into one of my favorite lunch establishments by my work, walk up to the counter, and order my “usual” (My “usual” happens to be a egg salad sandwich). The woman–nay, demon temptress– behind the counter informs me that they don’t carry egg salad anymore. You’re kidding right? How is a deli not going to carry egg salad? it’s like McDonald’s putting the kibosh on hamburgers! Oh, and this isn’t the first time this has happened to me, no way, this shit happens to me all the time! I’m not sure what problem people have with eggs and mayonnaise, or what member of the chicken salad mafia is paying them off, but it has to stop.
Increasing the population of egg salad sandwiches starts with you! Stand up to your local deli counter and explain that you will not take this lightly, and that egg salad is here to stay. Pack egg salad for your kids lunch’s and make it as a snack for the neighborhood punks. Only you can bring egg salad back from the brink of extinction. If my numbers are correct, and they are, the last egg salad sandwich will be crossed off menus sometime next year. This is Gods work, and i’m privileged to do it.
PS- And don’t tell me you hate eggs! You sound like an idiot. Liking eggs should be a requirement for citizenship.