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You Probably Had A Better Memorial Day Than Tiger Woods

Photo: TMZ

In the words of the famous Chris Rock, “Tiger, Tiger Woods, Ya’ll.”  It seems Tiger may be falling off the wagon.  First it was his beautiful wife, and now he’s going to lose his license (sad face).  Woods was arrested last night and was pretty arrogant and uncooperative with the law according to the always truthful and reliable TMZ.

Woods refused a breathalizer, which means your lawyer can’t really help you.  At least if he blew, an attorney would be able to say he has a rare genetic condition that amplifies the toxicity of the alcohol in his blood where he really only was a .006 but it blew well over .01

His “people” have been calling the cops asking if the arresting officer had a bodycam.

Woods has a previous DUI arrest that was caused by an unfortunate mixture of Ambien and his ex wife Elin Nordegren.  That resulted in the infamous “YOU CHEATED ON ME!” blowout.

Woods is sad.  It’s obvious.  He can’t play golf because he’s injured, but at this point he’s a danger on the road, or the road may be a danger to him.  We’ve all driven drunk, but don’t drive drunk, sad – that’s how you drive into a tree.

We hope Woods gets the help that he needs and we’d like to extend an Average Nobodies Hoorah for his support — “Hoorah!”

Woods has released a statement saying the erratic driving was due to a mixture of pain medications. Hopefully the truth will set Eldrick free.

Till we meet again folks, stay fucking classy, and remember, if no one else loves you like Tiger, Jesus/Muhammed/Allah/Jah loves you.

~ The Doctah

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Will Patton Proves That Even American Heroes Who Save The World From Extinction Can Get DUI’s

ArmageddonActor Will Patton, of the movies “Remember the Titans” and “Armageddon” and the current TNT series “Falling Skies,” was charged Tuesday with driving under the influence in his native South Carolina.

Patton, 60, was stopped on the Isle of Palms on Tuesday night and charged with first offense driving under the influence with a blood alcohol content of less than 0.10, court records show. The legal limit for driving is 0.08.

Patton was driving a pickup truck seen veering over the center line of the main road through the beach community northeast of Charleston, according to an incident report.

The arresting officer asked Patton whether he had been drinking, and he replied, “Not too much, a couple bottles … er … couple of glasses of wine,” the report said.

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I guess South Carolina cops don’t give you any credit for saving the world. Will Patton, the scene stealer in Remember The Titans and Armageddon, was arrested for DUI after he was .02 over the legal limit, which kind of sucks. I’ve always been under the impression that if you get pulled over and your BAC is that low then you’re just a bad driver. If a 60 year old man has a BAC of .10 he’s not drunk. If Patton was “veering over the  center line” then he’s probably just a shit driver. While informing the officer who pulled you over that you had “a couple bottles…er…couples glasses of wine” is good in theory and probably a fun story to tell your friends later, you probably shouldn’t say that. Also, if Will Patton’s BAC was only .10 after he had a couple bottles of wine, maybe he should cool off on the drinking for awhile. At least we know he’ll never have to pay taxes.

– Ryan

Florida, Where Drunk Drivers Get Run Over By Their Own Trucks

DU Bye – A man in Florida apparently got a dose of road rage karma when police say he was run over by his own pickup truck after getting out to bang on another driver’s window.

It happened Tuesday evening in Gainesville, Florida.

The Gainesville Sun (http://bit.ly/1rDishr) reports 48-year-old Joseph Carl had been drinking and drove into a vehicle stopped at a red light. He got out of his truck without putting it in park and began banging on the window of a woman’s car. When the frightened woman drove away, there was nothing holding his truck in place.

The truck rolled into Carl. A police report says he was taken to the hospital where he was treated for fractures in his hand and foot.

He’s charged with DUI and DUI property damage. It isn’t known whether he’s obtained a lawyer.

Jonah Hill – The F?

Talk about adding insult to injury. Not only are you driving around drunk, but then you get run over by your own truck. That is a bitch. Although is anyone really surprised that the drunk guy who rammed his truck into another car forgot to put his car in park? Seems like a logical thing to forget. I think this is how normal people who live in Florida feel on a daily basis. They sit at a red light like a normal person and then a drunk driver comes plowing into them from behind. The drunk driver, who is clearly in the wrong, then gets out of his truck and starts banging on the normal person’s window. A normal reaction would be to just get the hell out of there, which the normal person does, and then the drunk drivers truck, which was never put in park, runs over the drunk driver. I have to imagine surviving a day in Florida as a normal person is like your own personal hunger games, except it never ends.

– Ryan

Ain’t no Party Like a Jim Irsay Party

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Irsay was arrested late Sunday night for driving while intoxicated and possession of a controlled substance. The 54-year-old owner could be disciplined by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell under the league’s personal conduct policy. –NY Daily News

Jim, Jim, Jim…you party ANIMAL. Look at you go, just not giving a fuck about the law. I mean what do you have be responsible for? Just an NFL team? That’s no biggie.  Keep being you and leave Andrew Luck to play the moral role model of your organization.

-Matt

PS- He claims to be clean and sober for 15 years.

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Taken after the Super Bowl win in 06. Sober as a bird.

Chris Kattan’s Mugshot is Not Pretty

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Not looking great, Chris. But I guess that’s what happens when you get a DUI and smash into a parked Department of Transportation car. What is love? Apparently it’s gaining 100 pounds in your head and neck area.

– Ryan

Goodbye Justin Bieber

Source – Justin Bieber is in trouble – again.

The pop star was arrested early Thursday for drag racing and DUI in Miami Beach, police confirmed on Twitter. Police say R&B artist Khalil was also arrested.

Bieber was charged with resisting arrest and had consumed alcohol and marijuna, reports AP.

Bieber, 19, was in a rented yellow Lamborghini.

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A while ago I wrote about the slow and steady downfall that Justin Bieber was going through. Now before I get started here, I want it to be clear that I could care less if this guy fails. He’s 19 and he’s already made more money than me, slept with more girls and is one of the most recognizable people on the planet. I’m just here to call a spade a spade. You want to know why Justin Bieber is going to fail? Because he lacks the one thing that every famous person had who fucked up and got their life back together: resiliency. He got discovered on YouTube by Usher, made a cute popsy song that attracted literally the easiest audience to attract (young girls) and got a boatload of fame and fortune thrown in his face. Now that the shit is hitting the fan, he wants his bodyguards and inner circle to make everything go away like it’s a bad dream. Unfortunately for him, it’s real life.

Do you ever wonder why so many child actors/musicians have fucked up lives? Because a 16, 17, 18, 19 year old shouldn’t be living in Los Angeles or Hollywood where the vices outnumber pretty much anything good or moral you’re trying to accomplish. That’s why it’s always great to see someone like Justin Timberlake, who got famous young (17 when NSync started taking off), but kept his head above water and turned into an other worldly talent. DUI’s are becoming so common for celebrities that Bieber may get off the hook for this one, go back to making his music for teenage girls, and have a good career. But if I were a betting man, I’d say this is just the beginning of something bad.

Back to the resiliency angle. Does Justin Bieber strike you as someone who deals with animosity well? The same kid who had his bodyguards carry him up the Great Wall of China doesn’t seem like he’s taking the backlash in stride. Again, his bread and butter IS MAKING SONGS FOR TEENAGE GIRLS. Even at the peak of his fame, no one took this guy seriously. So now that everything is going wrong, who does he lean on to get his shit right? If I had cameras in my face 24/7 while websites like TMZ were dissecting my every move, I’d probably lose my mind too. In a way, its kind of sad to see a 19 year old with the world by the balls just be such an idiot and an asshole. Between the constant bad press, on and off retirement and the general dismay people my age or older have for him, it’s going to be a long road back to the top. Like I said, I’m not rooting for him to fail, but at this point, I don’t see any other outcome.

– Ryan

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