We watched both Kill Bill movies this weekend, which should be the only explanation you need for this Monster Blog. If you haven’t seen either of the Kill Bill movies, then maybe you should re examine your life goals and watch them because they’re amazing. If we ever happened to switch professions from moderately handsome bloggers to cold blooded assassins, these would be the names and styles to look out for.
My assassin code name can be deceiving, because as Papa Shango a lot of people will be expecting me to use witchcraft to get the upper hand on my victims. Just to make this clear, I will not be using witchcraft. Instead, I will use my appearance as a mildly out of shape, normal guy to sneak up on my victims and end them. If you were to see me walking down the street the last thing you’d think was that I’m a secret assassin coming to ruin your life, which is the exact thought process I want you to have. What I lack in fighting skills and overall intelligence I make up for with an unlimited amount of piano wire. My trademark black sunglasses hide my lifeless eyes, and my jacket with many, many pockets hide my piano wire. So next time you see an average nobody walking down the street, maybe you should give them a second look, because it could be me, with a lot of piano wire , fulfilling my next assignment.
As Short Circuit I am know as the greatest technological assassin on the planet. I can strike form anywhere with ease by using the world against you. Tapping into security systems allows me to always have the upper hand and while i’m not the fastest assassin this gives me all the speed I need. Maybe I blow up your cell phone, or maybe I take control of your car and drive it off a bridge, no matter how I do it one thing is for sure, you will have no idea when or how Short Circuit will strike.
WrestleMania XXX is only 5 days away, so there’s really no other topic to dedicate this week’s monster blog too. Over the last 29 WrestleMania’s, hundreds of matches have been on the card, but only 29 have been the main event, and even fewer “stole the show”. Here are our picks for our favorite WrestleMania match of all-time.
Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle – WrestleMania 21
The cool thing about WrestleMania is that a lot of times the match that sticks with people the most isn’t the main event. Steamboat/Savage, Undertaker/HBK I, and my personal favorite, HBK vs. Kurt Angle. No title was on the line here. Just two guys having one hell of a wrestling match. It’s no coincidence that at 27:25, this was the longest match of the night: Angle was in his wrestling prime, and Shawn Michaels kinds of defies logic because he never got out of his prime. A lot of people rank HBK/Undertaker I as the best WrestleMania match ever, and I’m not here to dispute that, but I always enjoyed HBK’s matches with smaller guys more than the Undertakers of the wrestling world. He matched up well with everyone, but people of similar stature, especially submission specialists, always brought out the best in HBK, who was an underrated mat worker. After HBK’s slap this match gets moving and never slows down, pretty much taking the air out of the crowd for the remaining two title matches. You can virtually insert HBK vs. anyone onto this list, but I’m going with the Olympic gold medalist here. It’s true. Its’ DAMN true.
The Rock vs. Stone Cold – WrestleMania 17
First, how awesome was this promo? Probably the best of all time. Kudos to Limp Bizkit for the killer track that will forever be related to this match and promo. Legend…….wait for it…….
Heyman says it best: “This is the match that both men need to win, and neither man can afford to lose” and that pretty much sums it up doesn’t it? Two of the biggest superstars of their generation, in their prime, going head to head in their second of three Wrestlemania matches. This was one of those good old fashion brawl matches. Both guys were absolutely out for blood and it show with every punch, suplex, and bell shot. Bonus alert: who doesn’t love a match where Vince interferes.
The great countries of the future won’t be Russia or Japan or the US. They’ll be the NEW countries created by future generations. With our genetics and the advancements in modern science, the Average Nobodies plan on living to at least 200-250 years old. That should give us plenty of time to develop a new country that will challenge any world superpower. Any powerhouse country needs a plan, fancy flag, motto, animal and food and beverage. That’s where we come in.
The Land of Ryan
Motto: To be the man, woooo, you have to beat, the man.
National Animal: Rhinoceros
National Food & Drink: Meatloaf and Arnold Palmer’s
The Land of Ryan is like The Land of Oz except it’s completely different. We’re stationed on planet Earth, right in between Italy and Denmark (my geography is rusty). The occupants of The Land of Ryan are a simple people, a noble people. Our cars operate on beer and our chief export is wrestling action figures. Rhinoceros roam free, which makes The Land of Ryan consistently dangerous, but on the bright side, we have a lot of meatloaf and Arnold Palmer’s. We’re not modern day Switzerland, but we try to get along with everyone, except of course, the creatures of Colonizar. They can go to hell.
Motto: To Infinity, and Beyond
National Animal: Chimpanzee
National Food & Drink: Tang and freeze-dried ice cream
Colonizar means “Colonize” in Spanish. You probably will recognize Colonizar on a U.S. map. It is a large southeastern peninsula located on the continental United States that was once filled with crazy people. Yes, Colonizar is located on the land that was once the sunshine state, Florida. After President Schwarzenegger awarded me the land (He owed me one) I immediately got to work on fulfilling our country motto. I establish Disney World as the capital and setup shop at the Vieira Space Center (Kennedy has no meaning in Colonizar). Chimpanzees were the first animal in space so naturally they are our countries national animal. Chimpanzees are so loved in Colonizar that they almost outnumber people 3 to 1 in the capital, which is fine, because they are more helpful, and smarter, than the workers we adopted.
We are a nomadic people that look to the stars as a way of expansion…and a way to get away from the leftover Floridians. We have two foreign policies: 1) We don’t deal in money. If we want something we trade for it. Wheeling and dealing is kind of our thing. And 2), Land of Ryan is filled with a bunch of jerk faces that will not be able to ride into space with us.
Monsterblog Wednesday: Would You Rather Have a One Time Payment of $1,000,000 Or Your Favorite Food For Free Anytime You Want it For the Rest of Your Life?
Now I know what everyone is thinking: give me the $1 million and leave me alone. If that’s your thought process, you’re probably in the majority for this hypothetical question. But remember this: if you take the money, not only are you a greedy, money grubbing jerk, but your also giving up the ability to have your favorite food for free whenever you want it for the rest of your life. Here’s what we’d choose..
Give Me My Favorite Food or Give Me Death
Money is temporary. Chicken parm is forever. Literally. I choose having chicken parm whenever I want for the rest of my life. Now I’ve actually mentioned that I could eat chicken parm for every meal more than once, and every time I say it people tell me I’m crazy. My response to them is chicky chicky parm parm. I love chicken. I love cheese. I love sauce. While whoever chose the $1 million is out buying house boats and watching their money slowly disappear, I’m laughing with my best friend: chicken parm. Game, set, chicken parmigiana.
Tacos Tacos Tacos
When Ryan and I proposed this hypothetical question to each other I knew right away it would be a no contest: We were both going to pick foods. How could you not?! But where we differ is the choice of food. While Ryan is whipping out his fork and knife to enjoy a nice chicky chicky parm parm, I’m casually devouring these delicious treats with my hands. See, not only are tacos my absolute favorite food, but they are the most convenient to eat anywhere, at anytime. Sitting at home? Taco me. Waiting in line at the movies? Taco me. Driving on the highway? Taco me. Scuba diving? Well, maybe not scuba diving, but you bet your ass when I’m back above the surface i’m ordering up a taco to eat while I tread water. Money may buy nice things, but i’d rather be in Mexican food heaven everyday until I die. Me encantan los tacos.
This weeks Monster Blog focuses around our favorite TV characters. But wait! There’s a twist. We pick someone who is currently on TV. Either in a new season of his or her show, or in between seasons. That means no Tony Soprano, no Walter White, no Corey Matthews, no Jerry Seinfeld, and no Michael Scott! Not so easy, is it? Without further adieu, here are our picks.
Ron Swanson, the uncrowned king of meat and scotch is my pick. Hailing from the hit comedy, Parks and Recreation, Ron delivers big laughs from tiny lines. A true American who hates Europe, Banks, and the internet, Ron Swanson embodies everything that is manly in this world. He fishes (not for food, but for sport), is a master wood worker (in real life as well), and can play saxophone with the best of em (Duke Silver makes the panties drop). While a softer side of Ron has been known to show through, especially for his new wife and coworker Leslie, Ron always stays stubborn as a mule and tough as nails.
I hope you’re noticing the facial hair theme here. Saul Berenson, a.k.a Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, is the heart and soul of the hit show Homeland. In between scenes of Carrie crying and Dana sucking, Saul is the moral compass that keeps the CIA afloat after an incredible number of government shortcomings. Add in the fact that his beard is fantastic, he’s sharp as a samurai sword and he has the best one liners on the show (you are the smartest and the dumbest fucking person I’ve ever met), and you have my favorite character on television today.
Who are your favorite TV characters?