Who doesn’t love a nice night out on the town at a fancy (Chilis) restaurant? I’m talking about going out with some friends and enjoying good food, ice ice ice ice cold drinks, and maybe a little entertainment. That’s the American dream in a half shell (see what I did there?). So what is this week’s Monster Blog? It’s simple: The Average Nobodies come up with restaurants. The object is to channel our favorite things about our favorite restaurants into one mega-eatery that will be the crowning achievement off all the “testing” we have done over the years. Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Flay ain’t got SHIT on us.
Matt’s Taco Emporium
At “MTE” we have one motto: “If you like tacos then you better come here or else you are a dumb idiot who actually does’t like tacos and should probably just stay home anyway.” I know what you are thinking, kind of a long motto, well if you think that then my tacos aren’t for you. At MTE we use only the most mediocre ingredients we can find, because since when have you gone to a really good taco place that used grade A meat and fresh veggies? Exactly. Our minimalistic menu includes two items, Tacos and Beer, which cost $2 each. Substitutions will not be allowed and our beer selection is minimal, to say the least, but what we lack in personal touch we make up for in bold tastes and a live mariachi band that plays every minute that we are open. Don’t sleep on Matt’s Taco Emporium, because we will find you.
Ryan’s Soup Shack
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it one thousand times: restaurants need more soup. I go to a nice, fancy pub and what are my soup options? Chicken soup. That’s it. Where’s my broccoli cheddar? Where’s my tomato bisque? Where is my motherfucking clam chowder? At Ryan’s Soup Shack, we’ll have all that and more. If you’re a restaurant in Rhode Island and you’re not taking advantage of all the fresh seafood at your fingertips then you’re a moron. At Ryan’s Soup Shack™, we have a portion of the menu dedicated to marine life, because after all, we are the Ocean State. Red and White clam chowder, lobster bisque, crab soup, shrimp gumbo; always fresh, always delicious. We’ll also have your mama’s favorite soups, such as chicken noodle, French onion, Italian wedding soup, minestrone, lentils, and beef stew. Feeling oriental? We’ll have Vietnamese Pho, Miso soup and anything else that tickles your soup bone. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes, we will be using top notch advertising:
So come on down to Ryan’s Soup Shack if you want good soup, and if you want anything else, you can go to hell.
Monsterblog Wednesday: Would You Rather Have a One Time Payment of $1,000,000 Or Your Favorite Food For Free Anytime You Want it For the Rest of Your Life?
Now I know what everyone is thinking: give me the $1 million and leave me alone. If that’s your thought process, you’re probably in the majority for this hypothetical question. But remember this: if you take the money, not only are you a greedy, money grubbing jerk, but your also giving up the ability to have your favorite food for free whenever you want it for the rest of your life. Here’s what we’d choose..
Give Me My Favorite Food or Give Me Death
Money is temporary. Chicken parm is forever. Literally. I choose having chicken parm whenever I want for the rest of my life. Now I’ve actually mentioned that I could eat chicken parm for every meal more than once, and every time I say it people tell me I’m crazy. My response to them is chicky chicky parm parm. I love chicken. I love cheese. I love sauce. While whoever chose the $1 million is out buying house boats and watching their money slowly disappear, I’m laughing with my best friend: chicken parm. Game, set, chicken parmigiana.
Tacos Tacos Tacos
When Ryan and I proposed this hypothetical question to each other I knew right away it would be a no contest: We were both going to pick foods. How could you not?! But where we differ is the choice of food. While Ryan is whipping out his fork and knife to enjoy a nice chicky chicky parm parm, I’m casually devouring these delicious treats with my hands. See, not only are tacos my absolute favorite food, but they are the most convenient to eat anywhere, at anytime. Sitting at home? Taco me. Waiting in line at the movies? Taco me. Driving on the highway? Taco me. Scuba diving? Well, maybe not scuba diving, but you bet your ass when I’m back above the surface i’m ordering up a taco to eat while I tread water. Money may buy nice things, but i’d rather be in Mexican food heaven everyday until I die. Me encantan los tacos.