The great countries of the future won’t be Russia or Japan or the US. They’ll be the NEW countries created by future generations. With our genetics and the advancements in modern science, the Average Nobodies plan on living to at least 200-250 years old. That should give us plenty of time to develop a new country that will challenge any world superpower. Any powerhouse country needs a plan, fancy flag, motto, animal and food and beverage. That’s where we come in.
The Land of Ryan
Motto: To be the man, woooo, you have to beat, the man.
National Animal: Rhinoceros
National Food & Drink: Meatloaf and Arnold Palmer’s
The Land of Ryan is like The Land of Oz except it’s completely different. We’re stationed on planet Earth, right in between Italy and Denmark (my geography is rusty). The occupants of The Land of Ryan are a simple people, a noble people. Our cars operate on beer and our chief export is wrestling action figures. Rhinoceros roam free, which makes The Land of Ryan consistently dangerous, but on the bright side, we have a lot of meatloaf and Arnold Palmer’s. We’re not modern day Switzerland, but we try to get along with everyone, except of course, the creatures of Colonizar. They can go to hell.
Motto: To Infinity, and Beyond
National Animal: Chimpanzee
National Food & Drink: Tang and freeze-dried ice cream
Colonizar means “Colonize” in Spanish. You probably will recognize Colonizar on a U.S. map. It is a large southeastern peninsula located on the continental United States that was once filled with crazy people. Yes, Colonizar is located on the land that was once the sunshine state, Florida. After President Schwarzenegger awarded me the land (He owed me one) I immediately got to work on fulfilling our country motto. I establish Disney World as the capital and setup shop at the Vieira Space Center (Kennedy has no meaning in Colonizar). Chimpanzees were the first animal in space so naturally they are our countries national animal. Chimpanzees are so loved in Colonizar that they almost outnumber people 3 to 1 in the capital, which is fine, because they are more helpful, and smarter, than the workers we adopted.
We are a nomadic people that look to the stars as a way of expansion…and a way to get away from the leftover Floridians. We have two foreign policies: 1) We don’t deal in money. If we want something we trade for it. Wheeling and dealing is kind of our thing. And 2), Land of Ryan is filled with a bunch of jerk faces that will not be able to ride into space with us.
This world is full of hate and uncertainty. But, among the rubble of a society tearing itself apart there are beacons of hope I look to. Once these are gone then we have truly lost our way.
- The High Beam Flash – Your speeding down a road when suddenly someone coming from the opposite way flashes you with their high beams. You immediately slow down and sure enough right around the corner is a cop, just waiting to tag you will a $100+ dollar speeding ticket. EVEN IF YOU WERE ONLY GOING 8 OVER TH…….never mind, I digress. This is the ultimate “help thy neighbor” move. Not to mention I’m pretty sure it’s one of the Ten Commandments. Yeah, something like: “Thou shalt always warn a fellow driver when a pig layith in wait around a bend”. I read that…in a book.
- YouTube Videos – Here’s the scenario, you are setting up your new wifi router and cant get it to work. Obviously you already threw out the manual (who reads those fucking things anyway) so you are kinda screwed. But wait! The best resource on how-to’s since Google is right in front of you; YouTube. The amount of tutorial videos on Youtube is insane to me! How in the world do these people have the time to build and review a piece of furniture they got from Ikea?! Don’t get me wrong, i’m not complaining. I use these videos all the time and I salute the people who make them. Maybe i’ll start making some helpful Youtube videos and stop posting videos of my friends getting hurt. I said MAYBE.
- Halloween – (Credit to Tom Pags) Halloween is the one time of year when people can go door to door to complete strangers house and get free candy! And on the flip side people are opening up their doors to complete strangers dressed at David Bowie and giving them free stuff! Any other time of the year and you are telling those people to take a hike, or in some parts of the country, blowing their heads off with a .22. Other holidays you are only giving to people you know but on Halloween you give to everyone. When Halloween goes, thats when you know its time to panic. A little “FYI” for ya. If your house gives apples you are not participating in Halloween; take a hike.