In Case You Needed A Reminder That The World Is Ass Backwards, The Kardashians Just Signed A $100 Million Deal With E!
Momager Kris Jenner recently secured the astonishing deal for herself and daughters Kim,Khloé and Kourtney Kardashian and Kendall and Kylie Jenner. Bruce Jenner is not part of the deal, having previously agreed that he will be leaving after the upcoming 10th season of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Bruce has his own show at E! based on his sex transition.
The Kardashian deal, the highest in TV history for a reality brand, is being kept strictly under wraps. E!’s parent company, Comcast, says it plans to save by spending less on content if its proposed merger with Time Warner Cable goes ahead.
The deal covers at least four more seasons of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” as well as spinoffs, which have included “Kourtney and Khloé Take the Hamptons.” E! executives also believe the family’s huge social media following will fuel future digital projects. Jenner had previously been rumored to be in talks about a Kardashian YouTube channel.
EXCELLENT. This is exactly what the world needs. Not only are the Kardashians going to continue to be on television, but they’re going to be making even more money. Kourtney Kardashian is worth $18 million. Kim Kardashian is worth $65 million. Kris Jenner is worth $125 million. Typing literally made me throw up all over my keyboard. As someone invested in the future of humanity, this is a huge blow to the sanity of mankind. Honestly, it’s no wonder the younger generation wants to be a reality TV star. If you can have a net worth of $65 million for having sex with a black guy on tape and crying on television, why would you aspire to be anything else? God damn it all.
In Really Weird News, Former Wrestler Rikishi Has Challenged Kim Kardashian To Some Kind of Ass Competition
I’m not sure how Rikishi transitioned from talking about Mayweather/Pacquiao to an ass contest between him and Kim Kardashian, but add me to the list of people quietly saying to themselves “please God no”. I’ve seen Rikishi’s ass more than I care to mention, and I guess same goes for Kim Kardashian. I’m not mad I’ve seen Kim K’s ass, it’s a nice enough ass, but anything that draws more attention to a Kardashian seems unnecessary in my book. On the flip side, look for Rikishi in the crowd when Mayweather and Pacquiao finally fight on Mars in 2056!
Kim and Kanye are officially engaged. While the whole world has their own opinion on the engagement, the Nobodies are preparing for a wedding invitation that will never, ever come. That’s not going to stop us from brainstorming up the perfect wedding gift for the dynamic duo.
The Gift of Being Famous For No Reason
Since Hollywood won’t give her one, I figured I’d pull some strings* and get Kim her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. After all the sex tapes, and reality shows, and 10 day marriages, Kim will finally have the star that’s been eluding her all these years. Nobody deservers it less than you. Congrats!
*Matt spray painted her name on a star.
The Gift of Steady Video
I am giving the newlyweds a high quality tripod. Since Kim has been known to “star” in her own “films” and Kanye “the creative genius” West will not stand for any shaky hand-cam videos, I thought that this gift would be perfect. If these two are going to be making them, might as well do it right.
Too bad Ray J didn’t have one of these back when he was taking Kim to pound town. Hey, at least he can sleep at night knowing he hit it first*.
*what a dumb fucking song
In every group there are bound to be varying personalities. Here are my playing card equivalents. Try to match up your friends and families to one, or more, of the following!
1.) The Full Deck
This deck can be assigned to the most “normal” of the group. Always on time, smooth to the touch, clean cut, ready for anything, and can turn a dull moment into party city. Full decks can often be the most outspoken of the group, and have the mental capacity to back it up.
i.e. George Clooney is a “Full Deck”
2.) House Party Deck
This deck is slightly off. It might be a few cards short of the full deck, but who cares when you’re playing drinking games so much that you can’t see the table anyway! Fun, carefree, broken in, this deck can be the focal point of colleges parties and pre-game warmups.
i.e. James Franco is a “House Party Deck”
3.) The Wildcard Deck
The wildcard is the guy or girl who cannot be trusted with anything. Yea sure, they appear to be playing with a full deck, but then BAM, they deal out the jokers and steal money from your grandma.
i.e. Gary Busey is a “Wildcard Deck”
4.) The Insane Wildcard Deck
Take the “Wildcard Deck” and add in a little, or a lot of crazy. With this deck, not only are you playing with the jokers, but the sick son of a bitch left the instruction card in the shuffle as well. Don’t try to decipher what they are saying, just re-shuffle and move on.
i.e. Amanda Bynes is a “Insane Wildcard Deck”
5.) The Weathered Deck
Like an old couch, this deck is sturdy, sticky, and rough around the edges. Always reliable and fun to be around.
i.e. Betty White is a “Weathered Deck”
You want to play hi-low jack, but all you see is colors, shapes, and arrows. This deck can’t read.
i.e. Kim Kardashian is a “Uno Deck”