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Insane People in Seattle are Testing Dog Shit for DNA to Catch Shitty Dog Owners

SEATTLE (AP) — Frustrated with dog owners who refuse to clean up after their pets, an increasing number of apartments in Seattle are opting to use DNA testing to identify the culprits.

The Seattle Times reports (http://bit.ly/1HxGgb2 ) that a company called BioPet Vet Lab from Knoxville, Tennessee, is providing its PooPrints testing kits to 26 apartment and condo complexes and homeowners associations in the region.

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Seattle residents clearly have WAY too much time on their hands. If your biggest concern of the day is trolling the neighborhood for fresh dog shit to test for DNA then you need to reevaluate how you spend your time. Where are your kids while you do this? Sitting at home unattended? Going with you on these fece safaris? Either way it shouldn’t be happening. Not to mention this sounds expensive as hell. I’m no expert, but something tells me that getting DNA tests done don’t cost a shiny nickel. What happened to the old fashion method of sitting at your window and waiting until the culprit strolls up to your house and you just yell obscenities at the from the window? Those days are long gone I guess. Next steps in this insane behavior is having one of these crazies on Maury….”YOU ARE NOT THE SHITTER!”

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-Matt

**Update** This was originated in Florida…..makes perfect sense now.

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Stupid Sayings – I Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass

Why would you? Stupid saying.

– The Average Nobodies

Stupid Sayings – The Pen is Mightier Than The Sword

Can’t think of one scenario where the pen is actually MIGHTIER than the sword. Stupid saying.

-The Average Nobodies

The NFL Needs to Rethink Their Instagram Person

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Is the NFL even trying anymore with their marketing? I don’t know what a “Carhawk” is, but I know that’s not one. You know why? Because they don’t exist! In my head I see a Carhawk being an old VW Beetle mixed with a Turkey Vulture. Car body with wings and a huge Vultures head sticking out of the windshield.

-MattyV

Sticking it to the Cops Has Never Been Funnier

Here is a short “revenge” video this guy made in response to getting a ticket for not biking in the proper bike lanes. I’m not sure if this is just another d-bag or if he makes a valid point. All I know is that videos of people hurting themselves are funny. That’s the bottom line.

What do you think?

-MattyV

PS- I could never bike anywhere because by the time I get to my destination I will need a shower. I’m not sure how long this guy’s commute is, but if it is more than 10 feet then I would be sweating.

Sorry I’m Not Sorry That #SorryImNotSorry is the Stupidest Saying in the History of the World

You know what makes you sound like an idiot? Saying or hashtagging “Sorry i’m not sorry”.  Let me let you in on a little secret: it’s not cute, it’s not trendy, It’s not funny, and it sure as hell isn’t clever. There is no redeeming quality to this saying. You know what happens when someone dials up this horrible phrase? Children all across the world drown themselves in fear of living in a future where people like YOU have any kind of power or influence.

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There is no reason to apologize for being “not sorry”. That is just lunacy! Be sorry or don’t apologize. If you do both….

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-MattyV

10+ Million Views For “What Does The Fox Say”?!

So this video is probably the hottest thing on the internet right now. “What Does The Fox Say”? It says fuck you, this shit is stupid. I hope all the Fox in the area rise up and kill all the people that had a hand in this video. I love stupid videos as much as the next YouTuber; David After Dentist, A Sheep Sings Taylor Swift, you name it, but this video won’t fly with me.

Someone who has the technology to freeze people, come by my house after work. I’ll be ready for the big chill. Just promise you will defrost me when the Bucs make the playoffs.

-MattyV

Matching Up Playing Cards with Human Personalities

In every group there are bound to be varying personalities. Here are my playing card equivalents. Try to match up your friends and families to one, or more, of the following!

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1.) The Full Deck

This deck can be assigned to the most “normal” of the group. Always on time, smooth to the touch, clean cut, ready for anything, and can turn a dull moment into party city. Full decks can often be the most outspoken of the group, and have the mental capacity to back it up.

i.e. George Clooney is a “Full Deck”

2.) House Party Deck

This deck is slightly off. It might be a few cards short of the full deck, but who cares when you’re playing drinking games so much that you can’t see the table anyway! Fun, carefree, broken in, this deck can be the focal point of colleges parties and pre-game warmups.

i.e. James Franco is a “House Party Deck”

3.) The Wildcard Deck

The wildcard is the guy or girl who cannot be trusted with anything. Yea sure, they appear to be playing with a full deck, but then BAM, they deal out the jokers and steal money from your grandma.

i.e. Gary Busey is a “Wildcard Deck”

4.) The Insane Wildcard Deck

Take the “Wildcard Deck” and add in a little, or a lot of crazy. With this deck, not only are you playing with the jokers, but the sick son of a bitch left the instruction card in the shuffle as well. Don’t try to decipher what they are saying, just re-shuffle and move on.

i.e. Amanda Bynes is a “Insane Wildcard Deck”

5.) The Weathered Deck

Like an old couch, this deck is sturdy, sticky, and rough around the edges. Always reliable and fun to be around.

i.e. Betty White is a “Weathered Deck”

6.) Uno!

You want to play hi-low jack, but all you see is colors, shapes, and arrows. This deck can’t read.

i.e. Kim Kardashian is a “Uno Deck”
-MattyV

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