Freestyle Canoeing with Marc Ornstein
American Freestyle Canoeing, as defined by Battenkiller’s YouTube, is…
“American Freestyle canoeing is the art of paddling a canoe on flat water with perfect control of its movements. The canoe is usually leaned over to the side to help the boat turn sharply and efficiently and paddle strokes are taken on either side of the canoe depending on the individual move. Balance, paddle placement and turn initiation are a few keys to this control. Since the movements seem dance-like, some practice this art timed to music, which is the ultimate in control.”
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…
The last line in the definition above, “which is the ultimate in control,” troubles me a little bit. Does this guy look like he’s in control? In the canoe, yeah, sure, he’s in control, but Marc is definitely the kind of person who paddles around a lake to Lady in Red (great song) because he has exactly zero control in his regular life. His wife is constantly breathing down his neck, his boss is slapping TPS reports on his desk left and right and his daughter is constantly in a state of shame from having to explain to her friends why daddy is gently caressing a wooden canoe to the sweet sounds of Chris De Burgh. He’s in the least bit of control…except when he’s on the open water. Just him, his canoe and his music. What a world.
I want everyone to find their “freestyle artistic canoeing” this weekend.
We honestly don’t know how to preface this week’s monster blog. Let’s just say that while Del Fuego started his journey on YouTube, we wouldn’t be surprised if he ended it playing at the Grammy’s/some guy’s basement. While the Average Nobodies technically didn’t discover him, we want to be the one to push him to the top. Be the Usher to his Justin Bieber, the Sonny to his Cher, the Dr. Dre to his Eminem. Now, onto our favorite freestyles:
After Gym Freestyle
My favorite part of the After Gym Freestyle (and ever other freestyle for that matter) is the way he clearly looks at the scenery around him and creates his freestyle from there. You really need to watch this one to the end so you can hear him name drop Luxury Cleaners and Hess. Bad ass city, population Del Fuego. The bad news from this rap: Del Fuego is apparently a public masturbator, which is really just a haunting image. He also does not care about red lights or speed limits, and the strip club took away his knife :(. The good news from this rap: Del Fuego will still fuck you even if you’re A.) Fat or B.) Ugly. Also, just so we’re all clear, he’s only at the gay bar for the hay.
Drivin to Work Freestyle
I get it, some mornings you wake up and say “I feel like freestyling on my way into work”. For BDog, that morning was just one of those days. You’ve done it, I’ve done it, I’m pretty sure my grandma and her friends drop a sick beat on the way to church, but what makes this freestyle different from all the others are the lyrics. Pure, raw, creative, unfiltered, and real are a few words you could use to describe these rhymes. I wouldn’t use those words to describe them, but I guess you could. Let’s get one thing straight, I’ve watched pretty much all of his videos and there is one overarching theme, masturbation. Public, private, on drugs, all types of masturbation. I can’t say I’ve ever included masturbation into any of my casual at home freestyles but I can’t knock the hustle. Another key part of his fresh rhymes is his clear disregard for the law. Lines like “I shoot weapons at your wife, YA!” and “I don’t give a fuck, sign says stop, Ima keep going” show that BDog is clearly not a man to be messed with. I wouldn’t step to him on my best day.
I leave you with this, the one line that will forever be burned into my brain. “i’m peeing, I wear a diaper, I drive a Viper”
Keep doing you, BDog.
PS- So Bdog drives around with CD’s in his car of just rap instrumentals? Savage move.
I am a huge fan of sketch comedy, have been for quite some time. All That, Chapelle’s Show, Kroll Show, Madd TV, you name it, I probably have watched it. But no sketch comedy show even touches the caliber of Saturday Night Live. Saturday NIght Live has been a titan in the Sketch comedy industry since the 70’s. Every great comedy star has come from SNL roots, and you haven’t made it in this world unless you have hosted or were a musical guest on the show. With that being said, SNL is seriously dropping the ball on Jay Pharoah. The guy, who me and me friends joke, does his quota of one sketch and then thats it. The video below shows that he is more than just a Obama impersonator. Check him KILL a Lil Wayne Impression on the XM Radio Show ‘Sway in the Morning’.
P.S. That was better than anything Lil Wayne has put out since the ‘No Ceilings’ mix tape