Freestyle Canoeing with Marc Ornstein

American Freestyle Canoeing, as defined by Battenkiller’s YouTube, is…

“American Freestyle canoeing is the art of paddling a canoe on flat water with perfect control of its movements. The canoe is usually leaned over to the side to help the boat turn sharply and efficiently and paddle strokes are taken on either side of the canoe depending on the individual move. Balance, paddle placement and turn initiation are a few keys to this control. Since the movements seem dance-like, some practice this art timed to music, which is the ultimate in control.”

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

The last line in the definition above, “which is the ultimate in control,” troubles me a little bit. Does this guy look like he’s in control? In the canoe, yeah, sure, he’s in control, but Marc is definitely the kind of person who paddles around a lake to Lady in Red (great song) because he has exactly zero control in his regular life. His wife is constantly breathing down his neck, his boss is slapping TPS reports on his desk left and right and his daughter is constantly in a state of shame from having to explain to her friends why daddy is gently caressing a wooden canoe to the sweet sounds of Chris De Burgh. He’s in the least bit of control…except when he’s on the open water. Just him, his canoe and his music. What a world.

I want everyone to find their “freestyle artistic canoeing” this weekend.

–Matt