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Danica Patrick Will Drive A Wonder Woman Themed Car & I’ve Never Been So Conflicted

The most fierce woman on the NASCAR circuit will now be teamed with the most powerful heroine in the DC Universe as Danica Patrick will sport a Wonder Woman-themed car for two races prior to the release of the film. 

Code 3 Associates, a non-profit specializing in animal rescue and recovery in disaster areas, announced that it will sponsor three Cup Series races with Patrick in conjunction with the One Cure project as well as a fourth, standalone race.Comicbook.com
Wonder Woman Car

Photo: USA Today

First off, calling Danica Patrick ‘the most fierce woman on the NASCAR circuit’ is like calling me the fastest man on the planet. It’s just untrue. Danica Patrick stinks. Plain and simple. She’s a stinky NASCAR driver and an even stinkier person. She has zero NASCAR wins in her almost six year career, and is off to a sterling start this year with a whopping zero laps lead so far in 2017. I know we live in the age of participation medals, but Danica Patrick is downright bad at driving a car.

Professional racing aside, Danica is also a bad person. Her lawyers sued The Average Nobodies back in 2013 because we posted pictures of her Go Daddy Super Bowl commercial, and in doing so made enemies for life. There’s obviously not much I can do to affect her professional life unless they start awarding negative points for being such a shitty driver, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hate her personally too. That brings to me to the decision of having her drive the Wonder Woman car. I can’t think of a worse pick than Danica Patrick, a woman who embodies consistent and utter failure. I love the Wonder Woman character and Gal Gadot, and to throw a cherry on top an animal rescue non profit is sponsoring the races.

Damn you Danica Patrick, for making me root against Gal Gadot and animal rescue organizations. You’ll haunt me forever.

-Ryan

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How The Mighty Have Fallen: Danica Patrick Will No Longer Be Sponsored By GoDaddy

USASprint Cup driver Danica Patrick will lose her primary sponsor and longtime benefactor next season as GoDaddy will not return to NASCAR, USA TODAY Sports has learned.

Patrick, 33, is in the final year of her contract at Stewart-Haas Racing and now in search of a primary sponsor for next season.

GoDaddy is looking to sign her to a personal services contract but will no longer sponsor her No. 10 Chevrolet race car.

 

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The sun is shining a little brighter today. The grass seems greener, the sky seems bluer, and I have a little extra pep in my step. The demon known as Danica Patrick is starting her slow decline into obscurity and I could not be happier. Danica Patrick likes to pick on the little people and never expected the consequences to smack her directly in the face. She’s a terror and a plague to this world and now she’s getting what she deserves. I hope no one sponsors her (on a serious note why would they? she sucks) and she’s forced to sell hot dogs just so she can get into the Nascar races. Nobody sues The Average Nobodies and gets away with it. NOBODY.

– Ryan

Dear Danica Patrick: Hope You Have A Good Race Sunday, Sincerely, NO ONE!

There’s a little known beef between The Average Nobodies and Danica Patrick that many of you may not know about, so I’ll catch everybody up. In late 2013, a few images from Danica Patrick’s Super Bowl commercial with Go Daddy leaked on the internet, so I decided to do a post about it. Well APPARENTLY Danica Patrick’s lawyers didn’t like that those images were leaked and started suing websites who were publishing the copyrighted photos. Since The Average Nobodies are such a lucrative brand, her lawyers not only emailed us and asked us to take the post down, but also threatened to sue us if we didn’t pay a fine. Well two years later, I sign up for a fantasy NASCAR league, and then this video comes out of Danica getting into a beef with a fellow racer during qualifiers. Well, Danica, prepare to have the worst professional year of your life, because the Ryan Stink™ is coming for you. I’m going to have Danica Patrick on my team every second of this NASCAR season. And you know what? Since she’s already a pretty terrible driver, I’m going to be hoping and praying that the Ryan Stink filters into your personal life as well. Here’s to a terrible year, on and off the track, you terrible, terrible human being.

– Ryan

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