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Danica Patrick Will Drive A Wonder Woman Themed Car & I’ve Never Been So Conflicted

The most fierce woman on the NASCAR circuit will now be teamed with the most powerful heroine in the DC Universe as Danica Patrick will sport a Wonder Woman-themed car for two races prior to the release of the film. 

Code 3 Associates, a non-profit specializing in animal rescue and recovery in disaster areas, announced that it will sponsor three Cup Series races with Patrick in conjunction with the One Cure project as well as a fourth, standalone race.Comicbook.com
Wonder Woman Car

Photo: USA Today

First off, calling Danica Patrick ‘the most fierce woman on the NASCAR circuit’ is like calling me the fastest man on the planet. It’s just untrue. Danica Patrick stinks. Plain and simple. She’s a stinky NASCAR driver and an even stinkier person. She has zero NASCAR wins in her almost six year career, and is off to a sterling start this year with a whopping zero laps lead so far in 2017. I know we live in the age of participation medals, but Danica Patrick is downright bad at driving a car.

Professional racing aside, Danica is also a bad person. Her lawyers sued The Average Nobodies back in 2013 because we posted pictures of her Go Daddy Super Bowl commercial, and in doing so made enemies for life. There’s obviously not much I can do to affect her professional life unless they start awarding negative points for being such a shitty driver, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hate her personally too. That brings to me to the decision of having her drive the Wonder Woman car. I can’t think of a worse pick than Danica Patrick, a woman who embodies consistent and utter failure. I love the Wonder Woman character and Gal Gadot, and to throw a cherry on top an animal rescue non profit is sponsoring the races.

Damn you Danica Patrick, for making me root against Gal Gadot and animal rescue organizations. You’ll haunt me forever.

-Ryan

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How The Mighty Have Fallen: Danica Patrick Will No Longer Be Sponsored By GoDaddy

USASprint Cup driver Danica Patrick will lose her primary sponsor and longtime benefactor next season as GoDaddy will not return to NASCAR, USA TODAY Sports has learned.

Patrick, 33, is in the final year of her contract at Stewart-Haas Racing and now in search of a primary sponsor for next season.

GoDaddy is looking to sign her to a personal services contract but will no longer sponsor her No. 10 Chevrolet race car.

 

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The sun is shining a little brighter today. The grass seems greener, the sky seems bluer, and I have a little extra pep in my step. The demon known as Danica Patrick is starting her slow decline into obscurity and I could not be happier. Danica Patrick likes to pick on the little people and never expected the consequences to smack her directly in the face. She’s a terror and a plague to this world and now she’s getting what she deserves. I hope no one sponsors her (on a serious note why would they? she sucks) and she’s forced to sell hot dogs just so she can get into the Nascar races. Nobody sues The Average Nobodies and gets away with it. NOBODY.

– Ryan

Dear Danica Patrick: Hope You Have A Good Race Sunday, Sincerely, NO ONE!

There’s a little known beef between The Average Nobodies and Danica Patrick that many of you may not know about, so I’ll catch everybody up. In late 2013, a few images from Danica Patrick’s Super Bowl commercial with Go Daddy leaked on the internet, so I decided to do a post about it. Well APPARENTLY Danica Patrick’s lawyers didn’t like that those images were leaked and started suing websites who were publishing the copyrighted photos. Since The Average Nobodies are such a lucrative brand, her lawyers not only emailed us and asked us to take the post down, but also threatened to sue us if we didn’t pay a fine. Well two years later, I sign up for a fantasy NASCAR league, and then this video comes out of Danica getting into a beef with a fellow racer during qualifiers. Well, Danica, prepare to have the worst professional year of your life, because the Ryan Stink™ is coming for you. I’m going to have Danica Patrick on my team every second of this NASCAR season. And you know what? Since she’s already a pretty terrible driver, I’m going to be hoping and praying that the Ryan Stink filters into your personal life as well. Here’s to a terrible year, on and off the track, you terrible, terrible human being.

– Ryan

If Nick Offerman & His Mustache Want Me To Watch NASCAR Then I’m Going To Watch NASCAR

The more I see Nick Offerman outside of Parks & Rec the more I think that Ron Swanson is not a character. I’m pretty sure that Nick Offerman just shows up on set and they call him by a different name. Monsieur Offerman is now the face of NASCAR on NBC Sports, and as the title of this post suggests, if he and his beautiful mustache want me to start watching NASCAR then I am all sorts of in. My friends have already talked about this summer being the ‘Summer of NASCAR’ (my words not theirs) and I used to go watch the races at New Hampshire every year so this commercial just puts it over the top for me. Any sport that challenges you to drink as many beers as you can while seated has my support. In the words of Nick Offerman, ‘Sure everybody in NASCAR gets a trophy, as long as they win the fucking race’. Pure poetry.

– Ryan

Miller Lite, You Have My Attention

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Awesome. Just awesomeness all over Brad Keselowski’s Nascar. The retro look, on anything, will get me every time.

-Matt

Top 10 [Active] Sports Nicknames

Few things give me more of a stiffy than a good nickname.  I’m not just talking about willy-nilly handing out monikers.  The kind i’m talking about are the ones that always stay with you, the ones that have deep meaning and just roll off the tip of your tongue.  So here is my list (in no specific order) of the best nicknames in sports today.  I tried diversifying between sports as best I could or else they all would have been NFL players.

1.) J.J. Swatt

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The man with tennis rackets for arms, J.J. Watt

2.) The Freak

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Tim Lincecum, the kid who looks like he shouldn’t even be able to reach home plate, never mind 100mph.

3.) The Muscle Hamster

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As much has Doug Martin wants to shake this nickname, he never will and we won’t let him! FEED HIM

4.) The Little Ball of Hate/Nose Face Killah

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The small pup who’s ready to take on any big dog that steps in his yard. (He also has a huge schnoz)

5.) Smoke

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The Bass Pro Shop car is the most badass ride in all of racing

6.) Beast Mode

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Give this guy some skittles and let him run free.

7.) The Durantula

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The only spider I like

8.) Megatron

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Transforms into a touchdown machine when he steps his cleats on the field.

9.) The Flying Tomato

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Red headed, Olympic and X-Games gold medalist? This tomato has got some grapes.

10.) The King of Kings

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HHH aka “The Three H’s”

-MattyV

P.S. The greatest nickname of all time, without contention, is “The Great One”.

Geometry At NASCAR?

Just another normal day at the track.  NASCAR fans drinking, swearing, and slapping each other up side the head.  That’s why I don’t find the following video out of the ordinary……unless you look closer

This is a video from the NASCAR All-Star race earlier this month.  Jimmie Johnson captures the checkered flag, which upsets a lot of people including this guy who throws a beer in JJ’s general direction.  After the beer hits the asphalt the girl to the left of him turns to him and delivers some verbal strikes followed up with a mighty bitch slap. But like I said, nothing out of the ordinary in this type of environment.  The thing that I am shocked about is that she has the awareness to know that HE threw that beer. Go ahead, watch it again, he is standing slightly behind her line of sight and she only reacts when the can hits the pavement! She didn’t even flinch when he threw it! Is she a fucking geometry savant trapped in a white trash body? I picture a CSI moment happening in her head in that exact moment.  She does all the math in her head, runs through evidence, enhances a few pictures, makes a graph, bangs Gil Grissom, and comes to her conclusion. “The speed and angle at which the can struck the road could only come from one place…this dick head behind me!” SLLLLLAAAAAPPPPP.

Get this chick an IQ test, could go either way.

-MattyV

P.S. Flag on the play, the beer isn’t empty! Come on man, you’re better than this.  This isn’t a ballet, this is NASCAR, finish your beer!

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